Tag Archives: joke

Baby Beards – The Solution to Juvenile Contentment

16 Apr

happy child

Does this look like the face of a child in your life? 

If your answer is yes, you’re only 1 of thousands of adults suffering from the noxious effects of juvenile contentment.

When children are happy, they radiate positive energy that can be detrimental, even fatal, to nearby parents, neighbors, teachers, and others. Childhood happiness can distract adults from tasks such as:

  • Paying bills
  • Writing out detailed grocery lists
  • Maintaining a furrowed brow
  • Complaining about the price of oil
  • Enforcing punishment such as groundings or no-TV
Thankfully, there is a solution to this problem that will literally wipe the smile off any child’s face. Introducing, the Baby Beard™
baby-beard
The Baby Beard™ is designed to mask and cover up the annoying aesthetic effects of juvenile contentment on a child. That is to say, it virtually erases all
  • Smiles
  • Grins
  • Satisfaction with the moment
and as a bonus, will even
  • conceal underdeveloped teeth and unsightly braces
baby beards
How does the Baby Beard™ work?

The Baby Beard™ is constructed of crocheted yarn, and attaches to the face via loops for the child’s ears, or buttons which can be simply connected to an accompanying crocheted hat, as seen in the photo above. In recent research, the Baby Beard has been effective in both concealing the smiles, grins, and other outward signs of happiness. It has even had the effect of levelling a child’s jubilant mood to a more acceptable mood of sourness or mere neutrality. The Baby Beard is also a great natural solution for adults who dislike children, as it transforms an otherwise youthful face into the face of  a man aged 52.
Thanks for reading about my newest sponsor, and don’t forget to visit the Official Baby Beard store, where you can also find Beards 4 Babes, and Hipster Hair! Stay tuned for an upcoming installment about my other newest sponsor, Bump-It: The ORIGINAL Hair-Volumizing Insert.
Brought to you by Samantha McCormick.

This blog is sponsored by Bump-It, the ORIGINAL hair-volumizing insert, and the Baby Beard™

How you, too, can be an Online Content Writer

29 Mar online content writer

A sarcastic and tongue-in-cheek look at the world of online content writing.

online content writer

Yes, THIS MEANS YOU!

Do you have a computer? Are you capable of forming sentences? Congratulations, you are now steps away from being an Online Content Writer! If you like what you see on sensational websites like The Huffington Post, Fox News, CopyBlogger, and the Boston Herald, here’s how you, too, can become an online content writer JUST LIKE THEM!

Part I: How to make it look like you know what you’re talking about

Formatting is the key to making it look like you know what you’re talking about. The trick is to liberally use bullet points and bold, numbered lists, italics, and underline. Write anything in this paragraph. No one is going to read it, because it’s too long, and there are bullet points in bold below that are shorter and can be read quicker. If there is a particular topic in mind that you would like to highlight such as daisy dukes are back in fashion but this time for men, you can bold it, and the eye will probably travel straight to that phrase, so really, the only word that matters in this paragraph is that phrase, and maybe the last sentence of this paragraph. Daisy dukes are back in fashion because

  • The weather is getting warmer
  • Men’s shorts are just too longto keep them cool
  • All of the celebrities are wearing them!

copyblogger gold

Youre MINUTES away from churning out pure gold like this

Part II: Copying and paraphrasing your content

Welcome to the second part of your article. This is your chance to truly shine as an online content writer. Prior to this moment, you had listed bullet points of your opinions. Here is the part where you support those opinions with rigorous, original research. Your job is to paraphrase that rigorous, original research, as seen below (and remember the golden rule of Online Content Writing — NEVER CREDIT THE SOURCE! Because you paraphrased it, the content is, naturally, YOUR MATERIAL.)

This summer, daisy dukes are the hottest trend on the Paris and Milan runways – but this time around, MEN are wearing them. Celebrities seen wearing these hot cutoffs include: Charlie Sheen, Justin Bieber, Justin Timberlake, and even Will Ferrell! You can buy the newest daisy dukes at Express for Men, H&M, and Target. (Or you can fashion your very own pair of daisy dukes by cutting the pants off of a pair of faded jeans.) With the way this trend has caught fire in Hollywood, it’s safe to say that daisy dukes are here to stay.

how to tie a shoelace

Preschoolers: The little-known eHow audience

…Or maybe you just don’t know what to write. If that’s the case, simply think of what people want, or problems they need to solve.  Don’t worry if you don’t know how to do these things, or how to solve their problems; you can always copy the things other people have written and paraphrase it without giving credit. Remember: YOU ARE THE EXPERT! How to find content that you can copy and paraphrase:

  1. Google
  2. eHow
  3. Wikipedia
  4. News articles
  5. Personal web pages written by actual experts
  6. Blogs
  7. Social media (Twitter, Facebook, etc.)
  8. Other ways!!!

Part III: Mastering the art of the title

You have now arrived at the single, most important part of being an online content writer (other than not crediting your sources, of course!). If it doesn’t have a good title, no one is going to read it. That means no one is going to click on the Adsense ads embedded in your page or fill out your affiliate form for Hotels Combined.

the ultimate title

Fear, check. Size 700 font, check. Blood-like font color, check. Dramatic picture, check. SUCCESS!!

In their titles, the masters of online content use: fear, accusation, suspense, and the old standby of “10 ways to…” So you’re writing about The Adverse Effects of Watching Television in Juveniles. (This is actually the title of a Popular Science article — which you are paraphrasing.) By using the techniques I mentioned, here are some great ways to spin that crusty old title into something that PUNCHES YOUR AUDIENCE IN THE FACE:

  • Fear: “Why Your Child Could Perish in 5 Years”
  • Accusation: “How You’re Killing Your Children”
  • Suspense: “The Household Object That is Slowly Murdering Each and Every One of your Children”
  • 10 Ways: “10 Ways your Child Could Die in your Own Home”

By now, you should feel very comfortable with using bulletpoints and bold, copying content and paraphrasing it, and writing effective titles. Make sure to summarize your entire article here at the bottom to make it easy for people who do not have the time to read your entire article. You are now officially an online writing expert – set up a Twitter account, Facebook page, write your new professional title in your email signature and LinkedIn profile, and get ready to share that content!

Special thanks to the thousands of online content writers, bloggers, Moms Who Work from Home, Online Marketing Gurus and various Web Marketing Affiliates who were the inspiration for this article. Shout-0ut to The Content Farm, another source of mockery of online content.

10 Tips for Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

28 Oct

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
BBBBRRRRRAAAAIIIINNNNSSSS!

This post has been syndicated from ZombieZone.com.

zombie survival guideOkay, you may not have found that funny, but unfortunately it may be the new reality. Undisclosed sources say that Halloween 2010 will see the first zombie apocalypse.  BuyerZone wants you to be prepared!  Here are ten important tips that will help you stay alive until your local Zombie Removal & Extermination crew can come to the rescue.

  1. DON’T DIE: If this isn’t #1 on your list, then good luck. Are partially chewed-up people knocking at your door?  Don’t answer it! They are ZOMBIES and you, my friend, are walking, talking prime rib.  Zombies don’t talk, reason, or have any other functions besides eating.  So, STAY AWAY FROM THEIR MOUTHS!!!  Even if you aren’t devoured, a bite spreads the infection and is 100% deadly.  After about 24 hours, newly infected people die and rise to join the ranks of the undead.
  2. Kill Creatively: Guess who through a sniper scope. One might think that there are only so many ways to destroy the zombie brain.  Wrong!  Go into your shed, work room, or attic and find a sharp or blunt weapon. Use it to take your frustration out and split some zombie skulls!  With a friend?  Play a game.  Try guess who, but from a distance with a large caliber rifle.
  3. Play Time: Just because the world is ending doesn’t mean you can’t have fun. What is the point of being human if you can’t act it?  Take a break from killing creatively and play a game of Monopoly.  It will take your mind off the apocalypse …for awhile.
  4. Fitness: Lean, mean zombie-killing machine. If you can’t beat ‘em, practice running from them. Otherwise, you will be remembered as that aerobically-challenged member of the group who sacrificed himself so the others could escape.  When the apocalypse comes, cardio means everything. Weight training won’t make you look heroic as you lift a zombie over your head only to be devoured by the throngs of voracious zombies surrounding you.
  5. Hygiene: You don’t want to smell worse than they do. So, who knows how long you’ll be stuck wherever you are?  Prioritize the use of your water: set rations for drinking and cleaning yourself.  A week or two without a shower won’t kill anyone.  Also, long hair is a great way for a zombie to get a hold of you.  Sounds like crew cuts are in style!
  6. Food & Supplies: Shop before you drop…DEAD! A hungry survivor is a weak survivor.  Head to the nearest un-looted convenience store and grab as many non-perishables and bottles of water as you can. You don’t want to survive a zombie siege only to succumb to thirst and hunger.
  7. Attire: Does camo make your butt look big? Heels – lose them.  Burberry coat – useless.  In this fashion scenario, you don’t want to look like a ‘great catch.’  What you need are a good pair of boots and dark, earthy-colored clothes.  Form-fitted clothing is preferable for escaping the grasp of decaying hands.
  8. Home Sweet Home: Build your own warm, cozy fortress. Since zombies aren’t tactful or dexterous, they can be easy to outwit.  It may be possible to keep one out behind a door but don’t plan on leaning against it when a dozen zombies are trying to break through – that’s just cinematic suicide, as dozens of movies have shown. Instead, think height. Set up shop on the second floor or roof – but make sure to barricade or destroy your stairs so they can’t follow.
  9. On The Move: The ZTA – Zombie Transit AuthorityIgnore your impulses to jump into the nearest car. Cars need gas, and after the apocalypse, do you really think Shell will stay open?  Instead, steal a mountain bike and hit the trails.  Fast, quiet, and no gas required.
  10. Communication: Yes, without social media. No power, no computer, no Internet, and no phone networks.  If you’re fortunate enough to know Morse Code, you’re still probably out of luck.  It takes two for that tango.  The ideal communication device is a CB radio.  If all else fails, try a white board and a pair of binoculars.

Unless you’re an easy target, these tips should keep you alive and uninfected until trained zombie exterminators are able to reach your area.

Get your free Zombie Extermination price quotes today!

CASTING CALL for Average/Disappointing Bodies

28 Jul

CASTING CALL — Males & Female Models ALL AGES — $200 to $1000/day (Burlington)

Date: 2010-07-25, 3:08PM PDT

Reply to: job-swjp-1979722@craigslist.org

We are a camping supply website seeking fresh faces to model our new product line.
Must have photogenic facial features; ‘average’ or ‘disappointing’ body is okay**
No experience necessary, please email two or more headshots to info@vtarmynavy.com
Examples of past model work wearing our past styles are below
**We also have opportunities for ‘somewhat presentable’ bodies; please scroll down**

awkward family

The "Questionable Relationship"

awkward

The "Ninja"

emo kid

The "Zoloft 125 mg"

awkward couple

The "Contraceptive"

the unborn

The "Unborn"

apocalypse

The "Apocalypse"

one time in college

The "No One Hears About this at the Office, Ken, I Mean No One"

Or perhaps you think you think you have what it takes to be a poncho model. If so, please send us two or more body shots in addition to your two or more headshots ****PLEASE NO NUDITY, WE ARE A FAMILY COMPANY****

Examples of past poncho model work is below

the handlebar hero

The "Handlebar Hero"

the mean streets

The "Mean Streets of Burlington Vermont"

ridiculous

The "Ruthless Shoveler -What Is That Guy Doing with the Flashlight"

funny

The "Door-to-door TV Salesman"

the kute kid kape

The "Kute Kid Kape (KKK)"

gigolo

The "Gigolo"

ugly jacket

The "Lunchroom Target"

  • Compensation: $200 to $1000 for the day. Shoot compensation to be negotiated.
  • Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
  • Please, no phone calls about this job!
  • Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

									

The Apple iPad Parody

27 Jan

If the news hasn’t already been shoved down your throat yet — Apple just released its new tablet PC today. Here’s what immediately came to mind after hearing the name “iPad” for the first time:

Image by me. If you repost this image, please give credit where credit is due (Me, Samantha, at ummmmheyyyy.wordpress.com.) Better yet, why not just copy the whole link to share my blog with your friends and loved ones?

%d bloggers like this: