Baby Beards – The Solution to Juvenile Contentment

Does this look like the face of a child in your life? 

If your answer is yes, you’re only 1 of thousands of adults suffering from the noxious effects of juvenile contentment.

When children are happy, they radiate positive energy that can be detrimental, even fatal, to nearby parents, neighbors, teachers, and others. Childhood happiness can distract adults from tasks such as:

• Paying bills
• Writing out detailed grocery lists
• Maintaining a furrowed brow
• Complaining about the price of oil
• Enforcing punishment such as groundings or no-TV

Thankfully, there is a solution to this problem that will literally wipe the smile off any child’s face. Introducing, the Baby Beard™

The Baby Beard™ is designed to mask and cover up the annoying aesthetic effects of juvenile contentment on a child. That is to say, it virtually erases all

• Smiles
• Grins
• Satisfaction with the moment

and as a bonus, will even

• conceal underdeveloped teeth and unsightly braces

How does the Baby Beard™ work?

The Baby Beard™ is constructed of crocheted yarn, and attaches to the face via loops for the child’s ears, or buttons which can be simply connected to an accompanying crocheted hat, as seen in the photo above. In recent research, the Baby Beard has been effective in both concealing the smiles, grins, and other outward signs of happiness. It has even had the effect of levelling a child’s jubilant mood to a more acceptable mood of sourness or mere neutrality. The Baby Beard is also a great natural solution for adults who dislike children, as it transforms an otherwise youthful face into the face of  a man aged 52.

Thanks for reading about my newest sponsor, and don’t forget to visit the Official Baby Beard store, where you can also find Beards 4 Babes, and Hipster Hair! Stay tuned for an upcoming installment about my other newest sponsor, Bump-It: The ORIGINAL Hair-Volumizing Insert.

Brought to you by Samantha McCormick.

This blog is sponsored by Bump-It, the ORIGINAL hair-volumizing insert, and the Baby Beard™

Next Year is DOOMED!

Here’s where I make fun of the classes I have to take next semester.

To find the probability that I will take 2 pencils, position them eye-width apart on the desk, then accelerate my head in a downward motion, I’ve signed up for a class called Statistics for Economics and Business.

Hm… I wonder how I will debit and credit the books for those golden parachutes and million dollar bonuses? I bet I’ll find out in Managerial Accounting!

Business Law. Isn’t that a contradiction?

For Sale: Poorly photoshopped white poster. Awkwardly positioned man not included.

So let me get this straight. I ring in the tee-shirt, take the money, put the money in the cash register, give you your change, put the tee-shirt in the bag, give you the bag — SLOW DOWN!!! I CAN’T HANDLE THIS! It’s just TOO MUCH! Looks like I need to take Sales Management.

Who am I? What is life? These questions, and many others, can* be answered in Fundamental Information Systems, a class so fundamental to life that it is saved until the last year of your optional college education.

*probably can’t

—

Tomorrow is the Campus Moviefest finale where Hannah mAntana: THE MOVIE will be shown to a whole bunch of college students. I’ll update on whether we’ve won big enough to be sent to NYC for the regional awards!

EDIT: We won the AT&T Mobile Phone award!

Hannah Mantana: THE MOVIE is being screened at the Northern Regional Finale in New York City on Saturday, May 2nd. Yay! The full movie will be posted on Campusmoviefest.com soon. I’ll post it on my blog when it is. :)

How to Get Famous in the 21st Century

(Famous)

Before I tell you how you can attain fame today, it’s important that we look at history first. In consideration of the average modern-day attention span, I have taken the liberty of summing up each century into three or less sentences.

1400s
Become bffls with the King and attain a ship. Find land (Christopher Columbus)

1500s
Paint Bible nonsense (Be generous with halos and doe eyes.) (Leonardo da Vinci, Raphael)
OR
Reject religion and vandalize the Church (Martin Luther)
OR
Invent stuff (Galileo Galilei, Copernicus, Leonardo da Vinci)

1800s
Throw money at things (Andrew Carnegie, John D. Rockefeller)
OR
Kill people (John Wilkes Booth, Jack the Ripper)
*Avoid this route if possible*
OR
Paint without glasses on (Vincent Van Gogh, Claude Monet)
OR
Join the science club (Charles Darwin, Madame Curie, Louis Pasteur)

After skipping several eventful or yawn-inducing centuries, we have arrived in the 2000s. We are but 9 special years into the 21st century, yet there have already been major discoveries in the field of Famosity. I give you…

Choose one of these three paths.

Aspire and attain pop stardom (Britney Spears, NSync)
Minimal talent and a remotely photogenic face will provide you with long-lasting fame and fortune. The gains are significantly greater than the small sacrifice of your childhood and private life.

Use steroids to break into professional sports (Barry Bonds, A-Rod)
A few years of bacne and lying to your closest friends is but a small price to pay for the multi-million dollar product endorsements you’ll soon be enjoying. And it doesn’t really matter when They find out. Just tell them you’re sorry, say you thought it was an energy supplement, then shed a single tear before you fly home to your five Benzes and ergonomically sound robotic wife.

Star on Reality TV (Lauren Conrad, Tiffany “New York” Pollard)
Either act rich and boring, or poor and entertaining. If you succeed in being the most hated or most loved, a couple of spin-off television series’ and a clothing line are in your future.

Good luck, Interneters, in your future endeavors. After following one of the above paths to ultimate Famosity, I anticipate reading each and every one of your autobiographies (written by an assistant, of course.)

With such accomplishments already under our belt in the 21st century, we are on our way to spectacular times ahead.

Think about it