Before I tell you how you can attain fame today, it’s important that we look at history first. In consideration of the average modern-day attention span, I have taken the liberty of summing up each century into three or less sentences.
Become bffls with the King and attain a ship. Find land (Christopher Columbus)
Paint Bible nonsense (Be generous with halos and doe eyes.) (Leonardo da Vinci, Raphael)
Reject religion and vandalize the Church (Martin Luther)
Invent stuff (Galileo Galilei, Copernicus, Leonardo da Vinci)
Throw money at things (Andrew Carnegie, John D. Rockefeller)
Kill people (John Wilkes Booth, Jack the Ripper)
*Avoid this route if possible*
Paint without glasses on (Vincent Van Gogh, Claude Monet)
Join the science club (Charles Darwin, Madame Curie, Louis Pasteur)
After skipping several eventful or yawn-inducing centuries, we have arrived in the 2000s. We are but 9 special years into the 21st century, yet there have already been major discoveries in the field of Famosity. I give you…
How to Get Famous in the 21st Century
Choose one of these three paths.
Aspire and attain pop stardom (Britney Spears, NSync)
Minimal talent and a remotely photogenic face will provide you with long-lasting fame and fortune. The gains are significantly greater than the small sacrifice of your childhood and private life.
Use steroids to break into professional sports (Barry Bonds, A-Rod)
A few years of bacne and lying to your closest friends is but a small price to pay for the multi-million dollar product endorsements you’ll soon be enjoying. And it doesn’t really matter when They find out. Just tell them you’re sorry, say you thought it was an energy supplement, then shed a single tear before you fly home to your five Benzes and ergonomically sound robotic wife.
Star on Reality TV (Lauren Conrad, Tiffany “New York” Pollard)
Either act rich and boring, or poor and entertaining. If you succeed in being the most hated or most loved, a couple of spin-off television series’ and a clothing line are in your future.
Good luck, Interneters, in your future endeavors. After following one of the above paths to ultimate Famosity, I anticipate reading each and every one of your autobiographies (written by an assistant, of course.)
With such accomplishments already under our belt in the 21st century, we are on our way to spectacular times ahead.