Baby Beards – The Solution to Juvenile Contentment

Does this look like the face of a child in your life? 

If your answer is yes, you’re only 1 of thousands of adults suffering from the noxious effects of juvenile contentment.

When children are happy, they radiate positive energy that can be detrimental, even fatal, to nearby parents, neighbors, teachers, and others. Childhood happiness can distract adults from tasks such as:

• Paying bills
• Writing out detailed grocery lists
• Maintaining a furrowed brow
• Complaining about the price of oil
• Enforcing punishment such as groundings or no-TV

Thankfully, there is a solution to this problem that will literally wipe the smile off any child’s face. Introducing, the Baby Beard™

The Baby Beard™ is designed to mask and cover up the annoying aesthetic effects of juvenile contentment on a child. That is to say, it virtually erases all

• Smiles
• Grins
• Satisfaction with the moment

and as a bonus, will even

• conceal underdeveloped teeth and unsightly braces

How does the Baby Beard™ work?

The Baby Beard™ is constructed of crocheted yarn, and attaches to the face via loops for the child’s ears, or buttons which can be simply connected to an accompanying crocheted hat, as seen in the photo above. In recent research, the Baby Beard has been effective in both concealing the smiles, grins, and other outward signs of happiness. It has even had the effect of levelling a child’s jubilant mood to a more acceptable mood of sourness or mere neutrality. The Baby Beard is also a great natural solution for adults who dislike children, as it transforms an otherwise youthful face into the face of  a man aged 52.

Thanks for reading about my newest sponsor, and don’t forget to visit the Official Baby Beard store, where you can also find Beards 4 Babes, and Hipster Hair! Stay tuned for an upcoming installment about my other newest sponsor, Bump-It: The ORIGINAL Hair-Volumizing Insert.

Brought to you by Samantha McCormick.

This blog is sponsored by Bump-It, the ORIGINAL hair-volumizing insert, and the Baby Beard™

The Science of Cuteness: Part Two

Welcome to the second installment of The Science of Cuteness: Baby Edition, soon to be a major motion picture starring Justin Bieber. If you’re new here, thanks for stopping by — I think the last time I got 70 comments on something was when I gave myself a boy haircut in the wee hours of a Saturday night. That being said, behold — the remaining laws of The Science of Cuteness.

The Science of Cuteness: Laws ONE-SIX

4 1/2 inches long for your playing pleasure.

SEVEN. Babies make cankles look good. Their legs are like those squishy tube water balloon things which years later you realized might have been a rejected sex toy prototype. We probably shouldn’t, but we poke and squeeze and tickle the crap out of that baby fat. Secretly, we probably envy them for fearlessly parading around their enormous milk-bloated tummies at the beach in a pink polka-dotted bikini. Without getting the stink eye.

EIGHT. Reactions to the sound of their own oral gas expulsion or flatulence. There are few things more hilarious than the look on a baby’s face after he rips a blanket bomb. (Yes, I did have to consult the Fart Thesaurus for that one). And remember, babies are the only ones who can get away with unleashing a trouser cough during that pivotal Church moment when Father Greg is breaking Christ in half. Remember that next time you “innocently” crop dust some poor innocent soul while muscling your way through the $5 DVD bin at Walmart, aight?

NINE. Attachment to inanimate objects. Linus and his blanket. Tommy Pickles and his screwdriver. My nephew and “his” kitty stuffed animal, which he totally stole from me, and I’m still pissed about. Bedtime just DOESN’T HAPPEN without their favorite little toy. There is a negative correlation between level of cuteness and age of the child. Exhibit A: 1 year-old clinging mercilessly to his Bankie. Subject achieves a cute coefficient of 10. Exhibit B: A 40 year old clinging mercilessly to his Bankie — cute coefficient of 1.

TEN. Tiny clothes. I’m not talking about the vomit-inducing (mine, not Jack-Jack’s) onesies that say “iPood,” but rather the miniature adult outfits such as the three-piece suit (which should work nicely at his job interview next week?) or my personal favorite, this little number

which pretty much guarantees the little guy’s future position as “Catcher” during kickball because he’s too fat to run from years of gorging himself on Twinkies after the kids at school made fun of his clothes. ‘Poop and pee’ must have been the color combination that Mom was shooting for when she knit 25 of these for Etsy. Poor kid. But I digress. Fact is, the U.S. baby apparel industry is estimated at $45.4 Billion dollars as of 2009 (see Yahoo Finance to support the fact that I made that number up) and growing. Women just love to buy mini-clothes with mini-buttons, mini-zippers, mini-pockets, mini-hoods… I think it’s safe to say that half the fun of having a baby is buying baby clothes.

ELEVEN. Belly buttons. At the risk of being accused of posting juvenile belly button porn:

TWELVE. They’re self-esteem machines. I can pretty much guarantee that even the C.E.O. of the Taliban has made a baby laugh at least once in his life. Due to embarrassingly bad cognitive skills (the baby’s not the terrorists’s), a baby will laugh at anything as long as it sounds musical and involves a peek-a-boo. Theoretically, you could even read Helter Skelter: The True Story of the Manson Murders as a bedtime story if you follow these techniques. However I would advise against this particular book as it could either cause your child to form a quasi-commune for aspiring murderers at KinderCare or cultivate an unhealthy adolescent obsession with The Beatles while other kids are listening to a mutated hybrid of late-90s Cher singles and Lady Gaga; two outcomes that are equally harmful.

And there you have it, the twelve laws of The Science of Cuteness. If you’ve made it to the end, thanks for reading! Figures that I’d get Freshly Pressed the week before I leave the country for a solo backpacking trip through Europe. In between dodging projectile lava from the Eyjwtfffffffff volcano and putting the finishing touches on my plan to shanghai Jake Gyllenhall at the Cannes Film Festival, I’ll be blogging. Topics may include: dirty hostel haiku, inappropriate photologues of whoever pisses me off at the hostels, and pictures of doodles I draw on napkins while on the train.

Not Crap Jewelry Opens its Doors!

Fueled by peanut M&Ms, I made 3 pieces of jewelry tonight. They’re up for sale at my shop called “Not Crap” on Etsy. I was inspired to make an Etsy shop by my friend Megan who makes awesome drum heads decorated with sexy ladies, and by my cousin Jenn who told me I make pretty good necklaces that people might actually pay money for. And money right now is much in demand because of my plans in May.

Which brings me to an announcement… I bought a round trip flight to Paris for my first ever Eurotrip!!! I’ll be leaving May 18th and coming back July 5th, and my plan is to visit France, Italy, Austria, the Czech Republic, and Germany.

I’m hoping to bring my iPhone along so I can check hostels and train times, and more importantly so I can blog a bit while I’m over there.

I’m very, very, very excited.