Tag Archives: walmart

WORLD PREMIER: Building 19 Commercial

2 Aug

building 19

In case you missed it during the season 2 premier of MTV’s Jersey Shore, now you can watch the new Building 19® commercial on YouTube, a Girls with Guns ProductionGirls with Guns is a production company that produces local commercials for such mom-and-pop stores as “Walmart, Inc.” and “The Burger King.”

Want to be FIRST to hear about new Girls with Guns commercials? Want to see our portfolio of past work; the stuff that got us where we are today?

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Even Homeless People Need a Coffee Break; and Other Things I Learned on my Eurotrip

13 Jul

That Fateful Day - see bulletpoint #3

Oh hello, I’m back from my 2-month Eurotrip. Back to reality where money has to be made rather than spent on French wine, inflated museum admissions, and Croatian conditioner, the latter which I mistakenly used as shampoo for about 2 weeks. Feats accomplished:

  • Accidently visited a male strip club/potential gay brothel in Rome
  • Realized that sour cream does not compliment a day at the Croatian beach (should have gone with the container that said “Jogurt”
  • Was homeless with a guy named Jeff for 22 hours in Croatia. He wasn’t homeless; we got separated from our two friends who had the address and directions to the apartment we rented. Though I write this now in good humor, let me just say that you would probably never want to get lost overnight in a foreign country while wearing a little black dress. That being said, here is the postcard that I wrote to my best friend while Jeff and I were taking a homeless coffee break.

Sunset over the Adriatic Sea - Photo by Me - For Actual Postcard Please Visit MyiPhoneDeletedHalfofMyEuropePictures.com

JUNE 12, 2010

The arrow that you see on the front of this postcard is where I slept this morning from 6 to 8am today. Yes, this means that June 11th, the day of my birth, was spent walking the streets of Zadar in Croatia (never go here) trying to find the location of the obscure

Aw, look how happy I was just hours before wanting to KILL MYSELF

“B&B” where we paid for 2 nights, without an address or street name, only the first name of the 62 year-old proprietor “Jozo” who we met at a bus station upon arrival in Zadar (don’t go here). The night began swimmingly with wine and bread and cheese, and I saw my first sunset over a sea — the Adriatic. Myself and a Canadian named Jeff left our 2 friends to use the banya, and that’s when we last saw them. However, our friends were kind enough to leave us our bottle of wine (minus half) and a pack of cigarettes, which would sustain us for the next 15 hours of wandering the city. We still haven’t found our friends. We don’t know where we’re sleeping tonight. I love you, wish I talked to you on my birthday. [Then I bought a phone card and called her]

  • Decided I hate Croatians At Work:

Croatian Taxi Driver: “My shift, it is over. You must go. I will leave you here” [at a random neighborhood bar miles away from town]

Croatian Train Worker, Job Description Unknown: [Enters train compartment, mutters something in Croatian, I pull out my ticket and give it to her]. “Passport.” [Eyes close halfway in annoyance. I give her my passport.] “You must take off your shoes before you put on the seat.”  I completely agree. These chairs are nearly spotless, there are definitely no pen marks or mysterious streaks of brown crud embedded into the casino carpet -colored upholstery.

And any attempt to order a coffee from a Croatian Barista has been an absolute sham. The response to “espresso with cold milk” or “espresso with milk and ice” — even spoken in Italian — is always “No.” Is there a run on ice in Croatia?

"Really? Did you really just flip me the bird? And get down from there, don't even pretend like we're the same height, because we're not"

  • Saw major French penis at a nude beach then bought some pretty perfume
  • Rode the train through Tuscany listening to this Ludacris song
  • Had an affair with Italian chips
  • Decided against kidnapping a stray dog in Venice and naming him Ciao

Of course, while travelling I Found Myself blah blah blah — no, but mostly the trip emphasized something I had learned a couple years ago while travelling within the US. No matter where you go, everything is exactly the same. Whether you’re in Massachusetts, North Carolina, or Arizona, shopping plazas are the watering hole of suburbia, Walmart is always down the street and you’re never completely lost until you don’t hit a Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts after 5 minutes of driving. It’s good to get the f–k out of the US every once in awhile, or at least once in a lifetime. I personally can’t wait to go back. :)

Manarola, one town in the Cinque Terre, Italy

Trevi Fountain, Rome

Hot Dog only 3,50 - Street Food in Paris

Cape d'Ail, my favorite beach in the South of France

Noli, a beach in Liguria Italy

The Science of Cuteness: Part Two

11 May

Welcome to the second installment of The Science of Cuteness: Baby Edition, soon to be a major motion picture starring Justin Bieber. If you’re new here, thanks for stopping by — I think the last time I got 70 comments on something was when I gave myself a boy haircut in the wee hours of a Saturday night. That being said, behold — the remaining laws of The Science of Cuteness.

The Science of Cuteness: Laws ONE-SIX

awkward toy

4 1/2 inches long for your playing pleasure.

SEVEN. Babies make cankles look good. Their legs are like those squishy tube water balloon things which years later you realized might have been a rejected sex toy prototype. We probably shouldn’t, but we poke and squeeze and tickle the crap out of that baby fat. Secretly, we probably envy them for fearlessly parading around their enormous milk-bloated tummies at the beach in a pink polka-dotted bikini. Without getting the stink eye.

EIGHT. Reactions to the sound of their own oral gas expulsion or flatulence. There are few things more hilarious than the look on a baby’s face after he rips a blanket bomb. (Yes, I did have to consult the Fart Thesaurus for that one). And remember, babies are the only ones who can get away with unleashing a trouser cough during that pivotal Church moment when Father Greg is breaking Christ in half. Remember that next time you “innocently” crop dust some poor innocent soul while muscling your way through the $5 DVD bin at Walmart, aight?


NINE. Attachment to inanimate objects. Linus and his blanket. Tommy Pickles and his screwdriver. My nephew and “his” kitty stuffed animal, which he totally stole from me, and I’m still pissed about. Bedtime just DOESN’T HAPPEN without their favorite little toy. There is a negative correlation between level of cuteness and age of the child. Exhibit A: 1 year-old clinging mercilessly to his Bankie. Subject achieves a cute coefficient of 10. Exhibit B: A 40 year old clinging mercilessly to his Bankie — cute coefficient of 1.

TEN. Tiny clothes. I’m not talking about the vomit-inducing (mine, not Jack-Jack’s) onesies that say “iPood,” but rather the miniature adult outfits such as the three-piece suit (which should work nicely at his job interview next week?) or my personal favorite, this little number

Asian baby

which pretty much guarantees the little guy’s future position as “Catcher” during kickball because he’s too fat to run from years of gorging himself on Twinkies after the kids at school made fun of his clothes. ‘Poop and pee’ must have been the color combination that Mom was shooting for when she knit 25 of these for Etsy. Poor kid. But I digress. Fact is, the U.S. baby apparel industry is estimated at $45.4 Billion dollars as of 2009 (see Yahoo Finance to support the fact that I made that number up) and growing. Women just love to buy mini-clothes with mini-buttons, mini-zippers, mini-pockets, mini-hoods… I think it’s safe to say that half the fun of having a baby is buying baby clothes.

ELEVEN. Belly buttons. At the risk of being accused of posting juvenile belly button porn:

Cute baby belly buttons

TWELVE. They’re self-esteem machines. I can pretty much guarantee that even the C.E.O. of the Taliban has made a baby laugh at least once in his life. Due to embarrassingly bad cognitive skills (the baby’s not the terrorists’s), a baby will laugh at anything as long as it sounds musical and involves a peek-a-boo. Theoretically, you could even read Helter Skelter: The True Story of the Manson Murders as a bedtime story if you follow these techniques. However I would advise against this particular book as it could either cause your child to form a quasi-commune for aspiring murderers at KinderCare or cultivate an unhealthy adolescent obsession with The Beatles while other kids are listening to a mutated hybrid of late-90s Cher singles and Lady Gaga; two outcomes that are equally harmful.

And there you have it, the twelve laws of The Science of Cuteness. If you’ve made it to the end, thanks for reading! Figures that I’d get Freshly Pressed the week before I leave the country for a solo backpacking trip through Europe. In between dodging projectile lava from the Eyjwtfffffffff volcano and putting the finishing touches on my plan to shanghai Jake Gyllenhall at the Cannes Film Festival, I’ll be blogging. Topics may include: dirty hostel haiku, inappropriate photologues of whoever pisses me off at the hostels, and pictures of doodles I draw on napkins while on the train.

We Like to Prank Call too

8 Dec

Call me immature if you wish, but sometimes I just love a good prank phone call with my best friend. This one’s just me, but the next blog I post will be my best friend calling CVS about some inappropriate photos. Enjoy!

Happy Holidays from the Christmas Tree Shoppes! (ish)

27 Nov

My friends and I made another movie in the holiday spirit. It’s pretty much a sequel to last summer’s Welcome to Walmart. Enjoy!

Happy holidays from Girls with Guns Productions!

With this [Walmart Bag] I Thee Wed

2 Aug

Inspired by a failed relationship, a couple cool-ass contemporary sculptors and an online sculpture class assignment, I fashioned a wedding dress out of several unconventional materials.

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Title: Disposable Love. 2009.

Feast your eyes on this couture garment built from plastic Walmart bags, two shades of trash bag and clear plastic packing tape. The assignment was to pick a site on my college campus and design a sculpture for that space. Here’s an excerpt from my paper:

The site of Disposable Love is located on the Bridgewater State College campus on mornings from Monday through Friday. The site is a student named Samantha McCormick, also the artist of the sculpture. I am five foot three inches tall and one hundred and ten pounds.

I will spare you from quoting the rest of the paper, but rather give you a blog version. Stop reading now if you if you have no interest in learning something new via Internets. Perhaps you will have better luck filling out a 408-question survey about yourself on ForwardGarden.com. I hear StuffOnMyCat.com is also looking for contributors.

IMG_0074

Inspirations

serra TTI LondonRichard Serra: “Shotty I don’t play dat game” Because his sculptures are not fully alive until someone is in the room. When designing public art, he doesn’t cater to a building’s function or needs – i.e. he would never design a sculpture of books for a library. He urges other artists to do the same. He’s got a bit of a Fountainhead complex going on. One of his sculptures was removed by New York City officials shortly after its construction (see right). The case of Tilted Arc was brought to court on the grounds that it was unattractive and disrupted people traffic, which was Serra’s intent. Can’t have that in New York, oh no.

Kristin Hassenfeld & Petah Coyne: “White America, I go to TRL look how many hugs I git” I have a simple aesthetic. I enjoy crisp, clean lines, few or muted details, decisive and simple colors. Below is Hassenfeld’s paper art.

hassenfeld Though a little elementary school art class with Mrs. Gruppy -esque, it’s still pretty to look at. I don’t know if I’d ever go to an exhibit of hers but regardless, she did inspire to create a luxury item out of a common material. Petah Coyne creates scenes out of white wax (see right), usually morbid or ironic, always one or two colors.

Nick Cave: “Look Mayne its a Hood Thang” He validated my itch to make a piece of clothing. I love to sew and experiment with fabric. He has created tons of Soundsuits (below) for performance art, but even standing alone with no inhabitant they are damn cool. He also uses trash for materials, which inspired me too. Human hair, patches of dryer lint, bone, these are a few of his favorite things.

Because I got such a good response on Facebook from pictures of Disposable Love, I’m thinking of making others like it. It was really dear to my heart so I don’t know if I could ever outdo it, but I had alot of fun making the dress and showing it to other people. Future fashion show? Or trashion show, if you will…?

COME ON DOWN to Walmart!

7 May

My friends and I recently filmed this local commercial for a Mom-and-Pop store called Walmart. (You probably haven’t heard of it.) Enjoy our exaggerated Boston accents!

What do you think?

Hannah Mantana: The Major Motion Picture

2 May

Here’s the full 5-minute comedy my friends and I made for Campus Moviefest. We won the AT&T mobile phone award (for using their phone in the movie in a creative way) and they’re showing our movie this weekend at an awards show in NYC.

Hannah Mantana: THE MOVIE

My plans for this weekend? Filming a local-style commercial at Walmart w/ my girls Megan and Katie. (“Welcome ta Walmaht, here we have ill-fitting clothes and Rubbermaid containers” etc).

Yours forever,
Samantha

“Multi-Purpose Solution”

19 Mar

Tonight, something in my medicine cabinet inspired me. And no, it wasn’t a bottle of painkillers. And no, I have none to sell you.*

Rather, it was a boring old bottle of Equate Multi-Purpose Solution, which one might infer is used for contact lenses. Then again, one might not infer that. One might take an entirely different thought process.

Ah, Multi-Purpose Solution. An incredibly vague title for a product that is apparently useful in many ways:

  • Chicken broth substitution
  • Sports drink
  • Steak marinade

Equate is Walmart’s generic brand. Almost all Equate products are vaguely labelled. They even seem kind of Engrish in a way. (Which leads me to believe that Walmart cut costs by outsourcing product development to Asian countries.) Onto their other products…


Yea, you try fitting your baby into this so-called “bath.” I did. It wasn’t pretty. Wait, don’t tell anyone I said that, okay? She died during childbirth. DIED. DURING. CHILDBIRTH.

Way to fuck around with the blind, Equate… You reeeeally had my grandfather’s hopes up.

Brody Jenner in a box? Wait, where does he fit all his pairs of white sunglasses and Bromantic boyfriends?

No but really, Equate, this one’s pretty insensitive. Imagine a poor young woman, forced to shop generic, and ignorant of the hazards of douching, placing this box onto the conveyor belt at Walmart. Dozens of eyes watch as she turns the color of a tomato. Nice.

Hey Equate, thanks for the c*ck tease. When I brought this home, I was expecting a cute little Harajuku girl to pop out of this box and begin rubbing me down. Nope, just a tube of some white crap. Again, THANKS. Guess it’s back to Craigslist Missed Connections…

*D.A.R.E.

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