Tag Archives: diy

I’ve waited 27 days to write this

27 Aug

Today I felt inspired to do this:

Karma's a bitch.

You might be thinking “What, I did not subscribe to a crafting blog. What the eff is this?”

Don’t worry, this is NOT a crafting blog, nor will it ever be. So let me explain. Bit of background info: I am renting a bedroom in a sketchy, messy 3 bedroom house that’s occupied by a family. Why? I moved to Colorado and needed to lock down a random sublet so that I’d have a place to live while going on job interviews and just trying to make my way out here. I found this place on Craigslist, was stressed out and sick of searching for apartments and jobs, and mailed them a check, sight unseen.

I knew it wasn’t going to be ideal, but I didn’t know it would be like this.

Laundry room:

gross laundry room

I think they took the concept of a “laundry room” literally, because there are clothes EVERYWHERE. I’m assuming they’re still like that, because I haven’t been down there since my first time doing laundry. I’d be okay with wading through other people’s dirty clothes, but it also smells like cat pee and, on top of that, a few days ago there was a sewage leak. Once a personal preference, now a safety hazard. I’m out of clean underwear.

Living room: 

messy living room

Mostly uninhabitable, 2 points for irony! The one time I sat on the couch was the last time I sat on the couch, frankly because I’m afraid of whatever is lurking in the cushions that’s feeding off Cheetos from 2008.

Parents:

I met the mother, Buffy, when she was talking on a Nokia cell phone as she walked through the front door. She hung up and told her husband:

“We can’t use this cell phone, they can track it. We need to get another cell phone.”

Then she turned to me and explained that Hunter’s father was trying to find out where his son was because they just got custody of him (red flag #1). Then she introduced herself to me. Best first impression ever!

(Later, the mother told me that she’s a germaphobe. Several times, actually. Please refer to the previous pictures of the house, and let me know if you find this amusing too.)

Kids:

neenu

This is the 2 year-old girl who follows me around everywhere. She’s cute but she often stinks because her parents don’t bother changing her diaper or her clothes.

red head

This picture represents the 6 year-old BONUS child named Hunter. I don’t have a picture of him because I don’t like him, so this picture of a redhead should suffice. I say “bonus” child because the day I moved in, the father sat me down in the foyer (nearly gave me a heart attack — who “sits” their tenants down upon arrival?) and told me that, surprise, Hunter would be living with the family. I was informed that Hunter is the wife’s child from an abusive relationship that she “just got out of.” ..Red flag #2.

“The Wall”

Every wall in the living room is known as “The Wall,” which is a more spacious form of “The Corner.” As in “Hunter!??? GET ON THE WALL!” Said child stomps over to The Wall, faces it, and the parents continue watching TV. Child turns and watches the TV. Child stands there for 45 minutes, because he spoke while on The Wall and thus extended his initial “minute” on the wall by 44 minutes. Actually, even a well-behaved “minute” can last 20 minutes — I’ve seen it a couple times.

This is not a recommended form of parenting.

Sooooooo how does the Karma’s a Bitch mason jar fit into all this?

Well, for the past four or five days, the family’s been gone.

“I found out that they’re not coming back,” said the shirtless/hairy man that also rents a room in the house (another surprise). He was on his way to the bathroom holding a shower caddy. One perk of living with creepy older men is that you get to see them on their way to shower or use the bathroom, and then get visualizations of things to come. Ugh.

“What? Wait.. what? I thought they owned the house?” I was surprised, but also kind of amused at the same time. Nothing really shocked me at this point in the game.

“No, I guess they rent it.” Aha.. Renters were renting to renters. Quite clever of them. “Yea, Buffy’s sister came by earlier this morning when you were gone, and she said that they weren’t coming back, and she asked me if I wanted to keep the cats.”

The Cats:

love this cat

this cat's kinda nice

I wasn’t too surprised that they had skipped out on their own rent, left the place a complete mess, and left most of their belongings, but I was surprised that they were completely fine with abandoning two cats to basically die of starvation. Cool.

On one hand, their leaving might be an upgrade because the cats were neglected in the first place. My second week here, I noticed that their water bowl was empty and I filled it up. The black little guy ran right over and drank like he just stumbled across an Oasis on the Oregon Trail. I’ve been feeding them ever since. The family also has a puppy, who they apparently decided was worthy of bringing along. He spent most of his time on a chain in the dirt backyard or locked in the shed overnight.

I know this is a humor blog, and I was trying to keep a good sense of humor in a situation that I couldn’t control, but stuff like this just makes me hate humanity. Sure, there are some decent people out there, but there are way more pieces of sh*t who are completely irresponsible and assume that their actions don’t have consequences. Or worse, they know exactly what they’re doing but they don’t care. I feel like the past couple of years I keep meeting more of these people.

So.. telling myself “karma is a bitch” is sometimes the only thing that settles me down. I don’t believe in any god so I’m not capable of thinking that someday they’ll meet their maker in a firey pit of misery. I guess I believe that “you get what you give” and “what goes around comes around.” Actions have reactions. When you feed your 2 year old a steady diet of soda, chips, fried chicken, and pizza, she’s probably going to resent you when she hits 13 and gets picked on for being overweight. She’ll hate you even more when she realizes there’s no money for college because you skipped out on your rent 800 times. And in some mysterious way, when she runs away at 17, that’s karma coming back at you for when you decided to abandon two cats and leave them to starve and die. Karma’s a bitch.

DIY Jacuzzi Hot Tub Fails

19 Nov

I work at a website which, among other things, helps people buy hot tubs. Along the way, I’ve learned a couple of things about hot tubs that I wish I never knew. Firstly, “hot tub girl” is the most searched for phrase in Google in relation to hot tubs in general. Second, I stumbled across a girl who killed her baby in a hot tub, possibly after skipping several important English classes. Thirdly, it seems that public Health class curriculum does not include Safe Hot Tub Sex, as quite a few people seem to be Googling the sh*t out of hot tubs and STDs.’ Lastly, in that typically American way, there seems to be much interest in the hot tub world for DIY hot tubs. Yes, there are actually people out there who make their pickup truck into a hot tub using a garden hose, engine exhaust, and a pinch of redneck. Which leads me to… the ten most epic DIY hot tub fails.

1. Equal ratio hot tub fail

hot tub party

2. Flammable synthetic material fail

hot tub fail

3. Redneck soup fail

redneck fail

4. Homeless fail

homeless fail

5. Cute girl fail

wooden hot tub

6. Supportive beam fail

epic hot tub fail

7. Sobriety fail

sobriety fail

8. Hot tub home fail

hot tub family fail

9. Match.com fail

Match.com fail

10. Threesome fail

Threesome fail

Kindly excuse me while I drop some free hot tub PR for the site I work for… Now git yer hot tub prices, ya hear?

Not Crap Jewelry Opens its Doors!

5 Jan

Fueled by peanut M&Ms, I made 3 pieces of jewelry tonight. They’re up for sale at my shop called “Not Crap” on Etsy. I was inspired to make an Etsy shop by my friend Megan who makes awesome drum heads decorated with sexy ladies, and by my cousin Jenn who told me I make pretty good necklaces that people might actually pay money for. And money right now is much in demand because of my plans in May.

Which brings me to an announcement… I bought a round trip flight to Paris for my first ever Eurotrip!!! I’ll be leaving May 18th and coming back July 5th, and my plan is to visit France, Italy, Austria, the Czech Republic, and Germany.

I’m hoping to bring my iPhone along so I can check hostels and train times, and more importantly so I can blog a bit while I’m over there.

I’m very, very, very excited.

Bling

16 Nov

I made some jewelery this weekend…

Click each thumbnail for a closer look.

I think my atheist sister would appreciate the top right corner necklace…

I got the chains at Michael’s and the charms are from jewelery I picked up at thrift stores.

Back to my Roots

18 Apr

Little did you know, this blog rocketed out of Mother Internet’s vagina as a blog about airbrushing. I decided to rename it “Escapism,” due to the culturally irrelevant nature of the posts I write. (For example, the critically acclaimed* Ode to the Short-Haired Girl, and one of my personal favorites, Old People: THEY’RE EVERYWHERE.)

Lately I’ve been getting back to my airbrushing roots.

dsc00520

Back:dsc00521

That’s a shark and a wave if you can’t tell:

dsc00518

For Hannah Mantana: THE MOVIE:

dsc00524
dsc005231

And now for the meat. Here’s a little ditty I wrote called “A Poem About Airbrushing.” It would be best to read it silently to the tune of “The Moment” by Kenny G.

A Poem About Airbrushing

Spray, paint, spray,dsc00528
not on my fingernails or skin —
Spray on the fabric that is
literally
right under your nose.
Spray, paint, spray,
Decided to take the day off?
No paint today?
Oh, because I could have sworn
(sworn)
that merely five minutes ago
I loaded $10 worth of fabric paint into your little
chamber
of
death.
Spray, paint, spray,
Or better yet, fling ugly blobs of paint
at my blank canvas of a teeshirt.
REAL MATURE.
Spray, paint, spray,
Oh guess what?
my dad heard my cacophonous frustration with you today
and guess who’s getting a NEW airbrush gun
for her birthday?
That’s right – me!
I’m throwing you away. :)

For more pictures of stuff I’ve airbrushed…

I lost my airbrushing v-card to this tshirt, and I attended President Obama’s Inauguration wearing the hoodie in this post

*Not really

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