Tag Archives: marketing

How you, too, can be an Online Content Writer

29 Mar online content writer

A sarcastic and tongue-in-cheek look at the world of online content writing.

online content writer


Do you have a computer? Are you capable of forming sentences? Congratulations, you are now steps away from being an Online Content Writer! If you like what you see on sensational websites like The Huffington Post, Fox News, CopyBlogger, and the Boston Herald, here’s how you, too, can become an online content writer JUST LIKE THEM!

Part I: How to make it look like you know what you’re talking about

Formatting is the key to making it look like you know what you’re talking about. The trick is to liberally use bullet points and bold, numbered lists, italics, and underline. Write anything in this paragraph. No one is going to read it, because it’s too long, and there are bullet points in bold below that are shorter and can be read quicker. If there is a particular topic in mind that you would like to highlight such as daisy dukes are back in fashion but this time for men, you can bold it, and the eye will probably travel straight to that phrase, so really, the only word that matters in this paragraph is that phrase, and maybe the last sentence of this paragraph. Daisy dukes are back in fashion because

  • The weather is getting warmer
  • Men’s shorts are just too longto keep them cool
  • All of the celebrities are wearing them!

copyblogger gold

Youre MINUTES away from churning out pure gold like this

Part II: Copying and paraphrasing your content

Welcome to the second part of your article. This is your chance to truly shine as an online content writer. Prior to this moment, you had listed bullet points of your opinions. Here is the part where you support those opinions with rigorous, original research. Your job is to paraphrase that rigorous, original research, as seen below (and remember the golden rule of Online Content Writing — NEVER CREDIT THE SOURCE! Because you paraphrased it, the content is, naturally, YOUR MATERIAL.)

This summer, daisy dukes are the hottest trend on the Paris and Milan runways – but this time around, MEN are wearing them. Celebrities seen wearing these hot cutoffs include: Charlie Sheen, Justin Bieber, Justin Timberlake, and even Will Ferrell! You can buy the newest daisy dukes at Express for Men, H&M, and Target. (Or you can fashion your very own pair of daisy dukes by cutting the pants off of a pair of faded jeans.) With the way this trend has caught fire in Hollywood, it’s safe to say that daisy dukes are here to stay.

how to tie a shoelace

Preschoolers: The little-known eHow audience

…Or maybe you just don’t know what to write. If that’s the case, simply think of what people want, or problems they need to solve.  Don’t worry if you don’t know how to do these things, or how to solve their problems; you can always copy the things other people have written and paraphrase it without giving credit. Remember: YOU ARE THE EXPERT! How to find content that you can copy and paraphrase:

  1. Google
  2. eHow
  3. Wikipedia
  4. News articles
  5. Personal web pages written by actual experts
  6. Blogs
  7. Social media (Twitter, Facebook, etc.)
  8. Other ways!!!

Part III: Mastering the art of the title

You have now arrived at the single, most important part of being an online content writer (other than not crediting your sources, of course!). If it doesn’t have a good title, no one is going to read it. That means no one is going to click on the Adsense ads embedded in your page or fill out your affiliate form for Hotels Combined.

the ultimate title

Fear, check. Size 700 font, check. Blood-like font color, check. Dramatic picture, check. SUCCESS!!

In their titles, the masters of online content use: fear, accusation, suspense, and the old standby of “10 ways to…” So you’re writing about The Adverse Effects of Watching Television in Juveniles. (This is actually the title of a Popular Science article — which you are paraphrasing.) By using the techniques I mentioned, here are some great ways to spin that crusty old title into something that PUNCHES YOUR AUDIENCE IN THE FACE:

  • Fear: “Why Your Child Could Perish in 5 Years”
  • Accusation: “How You’re Killing Your Children”
  • Suspense: “The Household Object That is Slowly Murdering Each and Every One of your Children”
  • 10 Ways: “10 Ways your Child Could Die in your Own Home”

By now, you should feel very comfortable with using bulletpoints and bold, copying content and paraphrasing it, and writing effective titles. Make sure to summarize your entire article here at the bottom to make it easy for people who do not have the time to read your entire article. You are now officially an online writing expert – set up a Twitter account, Facebook page, write your new professional title in your email signature and LinkedIn profile, and get ready to share that content!

Special thanks to the thousands of online content writers, bloggers, Moms Who Work from Home, Online Marketing Gurus and various Web Marketing Affiliates who were the inspiration for this article. Shout-0ut to The Content Farm, another source of mockery of online content.


140 Characters That Will Never Die: A Twitter Story

17 Apr

twitter library of congressLibrary to acquire ENTIRE Twitter archive — ALL public tweets, ever, since March 2006! Details to follow.
11:36 AM Apr 14th via web

Without a doubt, April 14th, 2010 will be a day that will go down in history. The purpose behind the Library of Congress taking such an interest in, for the most part, a wealth of trivial information, is to preserve such monumental Tweets as President Obama’s Tweet about winning the 2008 election and the famous Hudson River plane crash Tweet, whose accompanying TwitPic, a mere iPhone snapshot, is STILL the most well-known piece of photography associated with the event.


(I guest-posted 14o Characters That Will Never Die: A Twitter Story on my SEO website, WhoaitsSEO.com. Such an honor. I blushed a little.)


“Hey Black Person, Buy Our Shit”

1 Dec

I love advertising that targets minorities. I was picking up some veggie burgers in my local grocery store today (I was told they didn’t order any so they could fit all the turkeys in the freezer — fail) when I spotted this exact display of Little Debbie snacks:



Note the very top of the display case, where two (black) people are ‘just chillin, son’ next to the Little Debbie logo. Also note the jumping (black) man, which is clearly an allusion to basketball players. Who are black. I guess in order to be good at basketball, you have to buy 1200-calorie Little Debbie cream pies. Healthy.

I’m sure you’ve noticed that the McDonald’s ads of today no longer target little kids with Ronald McDonald. Instead of a clown, their new mascot is the twenty-something black man or woman. And the settings for their commercials are almost always in urban locations. I’m lovin it. They even have a website for black people. I wish they would make ad targeting mid-Western white people. But it would probably would be boring and not have any of that funky hip-hop in the background.

There’s a good quote from this ad for KGB, some crappy 99-cent mobile phone Wikipedia-esque thing, below this screenshot…

“Oh No you bett’ not be putting no yak up in MAH weave”

Furthermore, American Apparel targets easy girls, Alex and Chloe targets dirty skinny hipsters, and Apple targets people who have to buy their individuality:






Next Year is DOOMED!

22 Apr

Here’s where I make fun of the classes I have to take next semester.

To find the probability that I will take 2 pencils, position them eye-width apart on the desk, then accelerate my head in a downward motion, I’ve signed up for a class called Statistics for Economics and Business.

Hm… I wonder how I will debit and credit the books for those golden parachutes and million dollar bonuses? I bet I’ll find out in Managerial Accounting!

Business Law. Isn’t that a contradiction?


For Sale: Poorly photoshopped white poster. Awkwardly positioned man not included.

So let me get this straight. I ring in the tee-shirt, take the money, put the money in the cash register, give you your change, put the tee-shirt in the bag, give you the bag — SLOW DOWN!!! I CAN’T HANDLE THIS! It’s just TOO MUCH! Looks like I need to take Sales Management.

Who am I? What is life? These questions, and many others, can* be answered in Fundamental Information Systems, a class so fundamental to life that it is saved until the last year of your optional college education.

*probably can’t

Tomorrow is the Campus Moviefest finale where Hannah mAntana: THE MOVIE will be shown to a whole bunch of college students. I’ll update on whether we’ve won big enough to be sent to NYC for the regional awards!

EDIT: We won the AT&T Mobile Phone award!

Hannah Mantana: THE MOVIE is being screened at the Northern Regional Finale in New York City on Saturday, May 2nd. Yay! The full movie will be posted on Campusmoviefest.com soon. I’ll post it on my blog when it is. :)

“Multi-Purpose Solution”

19 Mar

Tonight, something in my medicine cabinet inspired me. And no, it wasn’t a bottle of painkillers. And no, I have none to sell you.*

Rather, it was a boring old bottle of Equate Multi-Purpose Solution, which one might infer is used for contact lenses. Then again, one might not infer that. One might take an entirely different thought process.

Ah, Multi-Purpose Solution. An incredibly vague title for a product that is apparently useful in many ways:

  • Chicken broth substitution
  • Sports drink
  • Steak marinade

Equate is Walmart’s generic brand. Almost all Equate products are vaguely labelled. They even seem kind of Engrish in a way. (Which leads me to believe that Walmart cut costs by outsourcing product development to Asian countries.) Onto their other products…

Yea, you try fitting your baby into this so-called “bath.” I did. It wasn’t pretty. Wait, don’t tell anyone I said that, okay? She died during childbirth. DIED. DURING. CHILDBIRTH.

Way to fuck around with the blind, Equate… You reeeeally had my grandfather’s hopes up.

Brody Jenner in a box? Wait, where does he fit all his pairs of white sunglasses and Bromantic boyfriends?

No but really, Equate, this one’s pretty insensitive. Imagine a poor young woman, forced to shop generic, and ignorant of the hazards of douching, placing this box onto the conveyor belt at Walmart. Dozens of eyes watch as she turns the color of a tomato. Nice.

Hey Equate, thanks for the c*ck tease. When I brought this home, I was expecting a cute little Harajuku girl to pop out of this box and begin rubbing me down. Nope, just a tube of some white crap. Again, THANKS. Guess it’s back to Craigslist Missed Connections…


Getting Personal with Samantha

17 Feb

I apologize for skimping on the text lately. New England is boring me. I have travel fever, but I’m locked down by school and an ill-paying internship. And I don’t mean “ill” as in “That’s one ill muh fucka!”

I have been practicing various forms of escapism as a way to take my mind off of my mundane daily life. I have been reading this book:

which is very, very good (but the ultimate test will be   when I actually get to the city on March 8th.) I have been applying to summer jobs and internships. I have been jealously reading travel blogs, my favorite one as of late being Nomadic Matt, written by a guy that did the college thing, got his Masters, got a job, then quit everything and became a gypsy. A gypsy that owns a laptop and updates frequently from the road.

I have also been enjoying the company of this handsome fellow:

Last, I spend most showers and commutes fantasizing about future  occupations, most of them associated with travel. Oh man that sounds pathetic. Oh well. The most recurring occupational fantasies are

1. Me as Host of a TV show on the Travel Channel

<–Optional slogan: ‘Sit at home and watch people travel on TV’

2. Me as a Writer for a TV show on the Travel Channel (which leads to imagining a life of poverty and frequent writers’ strikes, not to mention getting taken advantage of by everyone in a suit – hey, isn’t that what happens? & THAT’s why I’m getting a business degree instead of an English degree)

3. Me as Author of assorted nonfiction bestsellers (don’t worry – I would NEVER curse the world with a book as shitty as Steven Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People)

4. Me as a Camerawoman for Anthony Bourdain’s show on the Travel Channel

<–“You’re a little close”

5. Me taking over Samantha Brown’s job on the Travel Channel (Let’s face it. Eventually she’ll age out of hosting)

It’s okay, I hate New England too—->

5. Me as Vice President of Viacom (you know, the keyholder to Comedy Central, MTV, VH1, Nickelodeon, Paramount Pictures, etc.)

6. Me as Marketing Extraordinaire for Viacom

7. Me as a Travel Writer (I suppose freelancing is a start..)

I’ll stop at seven.

My next trip is Brooklyn/Manhattan from March 8th – 12th. I haven’t written my Manhattan entry yet because I’m still planning the itinerary. (Yea, I’m one of those people.)

I just hate the thought of coming back home. :(

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