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How you, too, can be an Online Content Writer

29 Mar online content writer

A sarcastic and tongue-in-cheek look at the world of online content writing.

online content writer

Yes, THIS MEANS YOU!

Do you have a computer? Are you capable of forming sentences? Congratulations, you are now steps away from being an Online Content Writer! If you like what you see on sensational websites like The Huffington Post, Fox News, CopyBlogger, and the Boston Herald, here’s how you, too, can become an online content writer JUST LIKE THEM!

Part I: How to make it look like you know what you’re talking about

Formatting is the key to making it look like you know what you’re talking about. The trick is to liberally use bullet points and bold, numbered lists, italics, and underline. Write anything in this paragraph. No one is going to read it, because it’s too long, and there are bullet points in bold below that are shorter and can be read quicker. If there is a particular topic in mind that you would like to highlight such as daisy dukes are back in fashion but this time for men, you can bold it, and the eye will probably travel straight to that phrase, so really, the only word that matters in this paragraph is that phrase, and maybe the last sentence of this paragraph. Daisy dukes are back in fashion because

  • The weather is getting warmer
  • Men’s shorts are just too longto keep them cool
  • All of the celebrities are wearing them!

copyblogger gold

Youre MINUTES away from churning out pure gold like this

Part II: Copying and paraphrasing your content

Welcome to the second part of your article. This is your chance to truly shine as an online content writer. Prior to this moment, you had listed bullet points of your opinions. Here is the part where you support those opinions with rigorous, original research. Your job is to paraphrase that rigorous, original research, as seen below (and remember the golden rule of Online Content Writing — NEVER CREDIT THE SOURCE! Because you paraphrased it, the content is, naturally, YOUR MATERIAL.)

This summer, daisy dukes are the hottest trend on the Paris and Milan runways – but this time around, MEN are wearing them. Celebrities seen wearing these hot cutoffs include: Charlie Sheen, Justin Bieber, Justin Timberlake, and even Will Ferrell! You can buy the newest daisy dukes at Express for Men, H&M, and Target. (Or you can fashion your very own pair of daisy dukes by cutting the pants off of a pair of faded jeans.) With the way this trend has caught fire in Hollywood, it’s safe to say that daisy dukes are here to stay.

how to tie a shoelace

Preschoolers: The little-known eHow audience

…Or maybe you just don’t know what to write. If that’s the case, simply think of what people want, or problems they need to solve.  Don’t worry if you don’t know how to do these things, or how to solve their problems; you can always copy the things other people have written and paraphrase it without giving credit. Remember: YOU ARE THE EXPERT! How to find content that you can copy and paraphrase:

  1. Google
  2. eHow
  3. Wikipedia
  4. News articles
  5. Personal web pages written by actual experts
  6. Blogs
  7. Social media (Twitter, Facebook, etc.)
  8. Other ways!!!

Part III: Mastering the art of the title

You have now arrived at the single, most important part of being an online content writer (other than not crediting your sources, of course!). If it doesn’t have a good title, no one is going to read it. That means no one is going to click on the Adsense ads embedded in your page or fill out your affiliate form for Hotels Combined.

the ultimate title

Fear, check. Size 700 font, check. Blood-like font color, check. Dramatic picture, check. SUCCESS!!

In their titles, the masters of online content use: fear, accusation, suspense, and the old standby of “10 ways to…” So you’re writing about The Adverse Effects of Watching Television in Juveniles. (This is actually the title of a Popular Science article — which you are paraphrasing.) By using the techniques I mentioned, here are some great ways to spin that crusty old title into something that PUNCHES YOUR AUDIENCE IN THE FACE:

  • Fear: “Why Your Child Could Perish in 5 Years”
  • Accusation: “How You’re Killing Your Children”
  • Suspense: “The Household Object That is Slowly Murdering Each and Every One of your Children”
  • 10 Ways: “10 Ways your Child Could Die in your Own Home”

By now, you should feel very comfortable with using bulletpoints and bold, copying content and paraphrasing it, and writing effective titles. Make sure to summarize your entire article here at the bottom to make it easy for people who do not have the time to read your entire article. You are now officially an online writing expert – set up a Twitter account, Facebook page, write your new professional title in your email signature and LinkedIn profile, and get ready to share that content!

Special thanks to the thousands of online content writers, bloggers, Moms Who Work from Home, Online Marketing Gurus and various Web Marketing Affiliates who were the inspiration for this article. Shout-0ut to The Content Farm, another source of mockery of online content.

Live and let live.

18 Sep

If I had a nickel for every time I heard that I’d stab this hipster in the genitals

Plane Crashes Into IRS Office in Austin, Texas

18 Feb

Being that it is tax season and the aircraft was a small one-man plane, if you do not see the irony in this you need to be

SHOT

Apparently the guy had tax problems and thought that the best possible way to end his financial troubles was to set his house on fire and fly his airplane into a government building. Please note that I will be forced to abandon all prior commitments when the poster-boy of logic and reasoning, Mr. Joe Stack, appears as a guest on The Colbert Report. You can Become a Fan of Joe Stack here.

The Apple iPad Parody

27 Jan

If the news hasn’t already been shoved down your throat yet — Apple just released its new tablet PC today. Here’s what immediately came to mind after hearing the name “iPad” for the first time:

Image by me. If you repost this image, please give credit where credit is due (Me, Samantha, at ummmmheyyyy.wordpress.com.) Better yet, why not just copy the whole link to share my blog with your friends and loved ones?

Today’s Manifesto

9 Oct

When you are a child you cannot have a brownie before dinner. You cannot go to Katie’s house at 10pm when tomorrow is a Wednesday and there is school in the morning. You learn what is taught, and Miss Abbott tells you to get your coat and you go to recess. You move in a crowd with all the others. At fifteen, you fall madly in love for a boy who might as well be on the other side of the earth and your heart burns to be next to his. You grow and wait and grow and change and wait until it is possible to be in the same room as him, though it is never quite enough, and you like this feeling. You go to the wrong college and leave school entirely — it feels dirty and shameful and not like you at all, but then it is the first time in your life you have done something of your own will. You feel alive. Disappointment dwells on your doorstep, but, it is your doorstep and you fully believe that there is nothing anyone can do to take that away.

This is the happiest time of your life. Your life. Because it is uncontrollable, unpredictable, you are poor and hungry and live off of cigarettes and loud music and the company of your best friend and those that you invite inside to entertain you. You are indestructible. You have not changed yet.

It is three years later when you are sitting on a couch in a very different house which you have known since you were born. This is home now, textbooks carpet your bedroom floor, there is food in the pantry and you know exactly what you must do tomorrow and the next day and the next and the next and… You ask and you wonder why no one else hovers above themselves and watches their movements when they get up in the morning, feeling that being awake is no different from being in bed. This is a mid-life crisis at age 22. And aside from out-of-body experiences, you are an addict who is always searching for that perfect high (figuratively speaking), who never reaches climax. You vigorously exercise to feel something, and the closest you come to feeling anything inside is when you listen to music and remember being fifteen again.

At the end of the day you know you will wait until spring to graduate into the recession — which is unexciting. But after you will flee this boring comfort you have grown accustomed to and hopefully feel alive again, somewhere else and balancing with slippery feet upon the edge of a boat. And you cannot wait to fall in.

“Demain, le Bubblegum pour tout!”

2 Oct

“A very hard word. MASSACHUSETTS!”

I’ve dreamt about visiting Paris since January of seventh grade, when my foreign language teacher stopped teaching us Spanish (hated it) and began teaching French. She pulled down a map of the country and pointed out les Alpes, le Seine, and le big yellow star which was Paris. The first French word I learned: le crayon. French for pencil, in case you didn’t know.

louvre-museum-picture

In my third year of college, I signed up for an extra class to brush up on my conversational French. I planned to spend that spring’s semester in Paris. Two weeks into the class I realized only one class at a French university would apply towards my degree… It didn’t make sense.

I’m 22 and I’m still dreaming about walking up to the giant glass pyramid in front of the Louvre. I want to see the city as the Impressionist painters saw it (and I’m sure if I take out my contacts I very well could). I want to nibble on a croissant in a cafe like Gene Kelly did in An American in Paris (disregarding the fact that it was a cafe inside a Hollywood movie studio). I want to think fondly of my cute old high school French teacher and hum “Aux Champs-Elysees” as I walk down l’Avenue. I want to look up at the Eiffel Tower and imagine I am Sarah Jessica Parker except NOT sad about being away from my closest friends. Really, I just want to walk down the adorable little streets and hear people speaking that intoxicating language and see them going about their fabulous European-Union daily lives.

Paris_Street_on_a_Rainy_Day,_1877,_Gustave_Caillebotte

Homesick for Boston

24 Jul

I’ve been away from home for over 2 and a 1/2 months. With only 3 weeks left of my internship in North Carolina, it’s high time I started getting homesick for my hometown of Boston. Obviously, I miss my friends and family (Katie, Jess, Megan, Jenn, Devin, Mom, Dad, April, nephs, He Who Will Not Be Named…) Other than precious people, these are the things I miss the most…


1. Road Rage

Besides the drive-by shootings, I haven’t seen road rage once here. I actually miss getting cut off, then leaning on my horn and swearing at someone through two layers of glass and ample distance. It’s such a stress reliever.

IMG_0121

2. The North End

I’ve never had the money to go to Europe (hopefully that will change come next summer…), but there is no better local Italian than the stuff the families cook up in this little neighborhood. Dearest Mediterranean raviolis, a cannoli, and a cappucino, all for $20? I miss you.

3. Amvets

I tried shopping at the Goodwill here in North Carolina. It’s good if you’re looking for worn-out rayon clubbing -wear, I suppose. Shudder. I miss my Amvets, smack-dab in the middle of the ghetto, where I bought a J.P. Gaultier blazer and Vivienne Westwood jacket for $4 each. Because the average customer there doesn’t know Prada from Kathy Van Zeeland. It’s like stealing candy from a baby. :)

4. Wearing a sweatshirt in the middle of summer

Going camping in the summer in Maine, New Hampshire, Connecticut, Rhode Island, or Vermont means packing a coupla hoodies for rainy candy bar Bingo days and cool nights.

5. Bob’s Discount Furniture Commercials with 1980s Special Effects

Color me crazy, but I love waking up to a cup of coffee and a miniature Bob dancing in the the corner of my TV screen.

6. Dunkies

I don’t need a therapist. Just a little box to yell “A medium hazelnut iced coffee with cream and three Splenda” at.

7. People who think they’re wicked smaht

One of my favorite reasons to go to Harvard Square, the Institute of Contemporary Art, or the Museum of Fine Arts is to stand next to the bespectacled smarties or hipsters and listen to the ridiculous things they say. “Ah, this plywood table with a tennis shoe stapled to it must represent the poor and oppressed being stepped on by the wealthy and priveleged” — “Ah, yes, I concur.” Actually, my friends, you just stumbled into the supply closet where Mr. BeeBo the learning impaired janitor was working on a craft project.

Where am I?

"Where am I?"

8. Die-hard Red Sox fans

If I hear one more Tarheels comment I’m gonna throw up. I need me some red and white.

9. Serious Accents

I go into a gas station here and hear “Ha, how’re yu doin?” — I bump into someone, say I’m sorry, and without fail hear “Yer fahn, yer fahn.” VOMMMM. I miss walking into a gas station and hearing “Howaya, c’i getta packa Newports? ..Thanks take care.”

10. Being LOUD and being around LOUD PEOPLE!

Everyone here is quiet and proper. It’s really annoying because I often get shushed in the workplace, or on my lunchbreak, or in public, or in general. I’m loud – it’s who I am! Let me be who I am, North Carolina!

11. That Northeast sense of humor

Whether loud and obvious a la Chris Farley, or dry a la The Office, I miss the Northeast sense of humor. People just don’t joke around here like they do up North. One time I tried to sneak out early from a TERRIBLE improv show (don’t ask) and the magician intercepted my friends and I on our way out. His dress shirt was ridiculously wrinkly, so I told him “Good job ironing your shirt tonight.” My friends were APPALLED – and he was too. Don’t they know that, in the Northeast, making fun of someone is a playful way to engage in laughter? You must not take these insults seriously! (Regretfully, after I said this there was just awkward silence.)

August 20th I go meet up with the family for camping in New York (my sweatshirt will come in handy I’m sure), then I’m going home! :)

Next Year is DOOMED!

22 Apr

Here’s where I make fun of the classes I have to take next semester.

To find the probability that I will take 2 pencils, position them eye-width apart on the desk, then accelerate my head in a downward motion, I’ve signed up for a class called Statistics for Economics and Business.

Hm… I wonder how I will debit and credit the books for those golden parachutes and million dollar bonuses? I bet I’ll find out in Managerial Accounting!

Business Law. Isn’t that a contradiction?

For Sale: POORLY PHOTOSHOPPED WHITE POSTER

For Sale: Poorly photoshopped white poster. Awkwardly positioned man not included.

So let me get this straight. I ring in the tee-shirt, take the money, put the money in the cash register, give you your change, put the tee-shirt in the bag, give you the bag — SLOW DOWN!!! I CAN’T HANDLE THIS! It’s just TOO MUCH! Looks like I need to take Sales Management.

Who am I? What is life? These questions, and many others, can* be answered in Fundamental Information Systems, a class so fundamental to life that it is saved until the last year of your optional college education.

*probably can’t

Tomorrow is the Campus Moviefest finale where Hannah mAntana: THE MOVIE will be shown to a whole bunch of college students. I’ll update on whether we’ve won big enough to be sent to NYC for the regional awards!

EDIT: We won the AT&T Mobile Phone award!

Hannah Mantana: THE MOVIE is being screened at the Northern Regional Finale in New York City on Saturday, May 2nd. Yay! The full movie will be posted on Campusmoviefest.com soon. I’ll post it on my blog when it is. :)

Back to my Roots

18 Apr

Little did you know, this blog rocketed out of Mother Internet’s vagina as a blog about airbrushing. I decided to rename it “Escapism,” due to the culturally irrelevant nature of the posts I write. (For example, the critically acclaimed* Ode to the Short-Haired Girl, and one of my personal favorites, Old People: THEY’RE EVERYWHERE.)

Lately I’ve been getting back to my airbrushing roots.

dsc00520

Back:dsc00521

That’s a shark and a wave if you can’t tell:

dsc00518

For Hannah Mantana: THE MOVIE:

dsc00524
dsc005231

And now for the meat. Here’s a little ditty I wrote called “A Poem About Airbrushing.” It would be best to read it silently to the tune of “The Moment” by Kenny G.

A Poem About Airbrushing

Spray, paint, spray,dsc00528
not on my fingernails or skin —
Spray on the fabric that is
literally
right under your nose.
Spray, paint, spray,
Decided to take the day off?
No paint today?
Oh, because I could have sworn
(sworn)
that merely five minutes ago
I loaded $10 worth of fabric paint into your little
chamber
of
death.
Spray, paint, spray,
Or better yet, fling ugly blobs of paint
at my blank canvas of a teeshirt.
REAL MATURE.
Spray, paint, spray,
Oh guess what?
my dad heard my cacophonous frustration with you today
and guess who’s getting a NEW airbrush gun
for her birthday?
That’s right – me!
I’m throwing you away. :)

For more pictures of stuff I’ve airbrushed…

I lost my airbrushing v-card to this tshirt, and I attended President Obama’s Inauguration wearing the hoodie in this post

*Not really

ummmmheyyyy…PAUSE!

22 Feb

EDIT: I’m back

I’m taking a break from writing posts for awhile.

Because I’ve begun writing a children’s story. And yes, it will be a challenge to keep the sexual innuendo and violent imagery to myself when writing for this delightful age group.

Though I won’t be writing (posts), I’ll keep reading yours. (How could I ever stay away from the enthralling words typed by those in my Blogroll Extra Soysauce?)

Wish me luck,
Samantha

P.S. I welcome any advice or words of wisdom.

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