Tag Archives: celebrities

10 Things No One Gave a Shit About in 2010

28 Dec

What with the BP disaster, Chilean miners, Wikileaks, the Craigslist Killer Lifetime Movie and everything else that was important in 2010 getting a second wind of exposure, I’ve decided to put out my own list of Top 10 in 2010. It’s time to shine a light on those things that had no influence over anyone in 2010.

10. Poor hamburger phone connectivity

hamburger phone

I’m tired of all these wireless providers getting all the attention. I’m having a serious hamburger phone connectivity issue here! I can’t make outgoing calls, I can’t get incoming calls, and anytime I hear dialtone it sounds like an orca whale and a fire alarm are mating on the other end of the line. I do not appreciate prank calls, Hamburger Phone Network! If you had a Twitter account, I would not hesitate to Direct Message the shit out of your interns!

9. Rhett Akers’ basement videos

Rhett Akers is on the fast track to Internet Stardom with his Youtube videos, filmed in what appears to be the basement apartment of his parents’ house. And there’s more where that came from, ladies — follow @RhettAkers on Twitter for some more guitar/shirtless action! Red hot!

*If you’re insinuating that I found Rhett Candy by chance today, you are correct

8. Maatia Toafa is elected Prime Minister of Tuvalu

I know what you’re thinking. Tuvalu? Why didn’t this make headlines?!! Well, it’s likely that the news was slightly overshadowed by the record-setting billion-dollar campaign ad expenditures on the other side of the world.

7. Knitting with Dog Hair trend takes off

knitting with dog hair
Meredith Biggelsworth and son

Largely spurred by the 1997 publication of Knitting with Dog Hair: Better a Sweater from a Dog You Know Than from a Sheep You’ll Never Meet, the knitting with dog hair trend reached a pivotal point in 2010, with one final influx of midwestern stay-at-home-moms to the Internet. It was a historical day for the cult phenomenon when on November 23, 2010, 7 total pictures were uploaded to Twitter since 1997.* Says Anne Montgomery, author of KWDH,

“Buster passed on January 12, 1994. It was a painful time for me, as it was right after the holidays and I was also going through a separation period from my now ex-husband. I looked around the house and the solution was right there in front of me. I gathered up Buster’s fur, picked up my knitting needles, and began working away. Now I can have Buster close to my heart whenever I need him.”

Montgomery is currently working on a guide to making jewelry out of hamster feces.

*Source: Twitter Trends

6. How many times I wore these socks

socks

To estimate the number of times I wore these socks in 2010, I will multiply their level of softness by the approximate coldness of my apartment floor, divided by the number of pairs of other socks that I own, minus two days (days I have owned these equally warm slippers, thanks Mom), equals 17.6. I think it’s safe to say that they’ve paid for themselves!

5. It became okay to abort a twin

zach and codyWhat would the world be like if selective reduction had been around for the first trimester of Zach and Cody?* I do not care to imagine such a dark place… I remember exactly where I was when I read the editorial about selective reduction in the back of Elle Magazine. I don’t even know why I began reading the story, I tend to ignore all text in that magazine because it’s usually nonsense written by girls who have cotton balls for brains. Anyway. It was a story about a woman that found out she was pregnant with twins, and was considering the option of aborting one of them. Spoiler alert: she goes for it. Now, I’m fairly open-minded and have a range of liberal views (if you get my gist), but I was shocked, disgusted, and frankly, scared when I reached the end of the story. Regardless of what a parent may say, one way or another, the kid is going to grow up and find out that they should have had a brother or sister. Cue emotional destruction, stage one. What’s weird is that selective reduction is nothing new, the procedure was developed in the 1980s, but it’s becoming more popular. I give it 10 years to further unfold into a Brave New World dystopian scenario.

*It was around, just not popular yet.

4. Spanky resurfaces

spankyRemember the 90s Little Rascals movie, and that kid Spanky who was soooo cute? … That is all.

3. I slept with a bunny

bunny

2. MOBA acquires its newest piece

bad art

Hollywood Lips is about one woman’s inner battle between light and dark, partially owed to the fact that she resembles a palm tree and has weird, angry eyes. Kids can be cruel.

1. This roll of tape ran out

tape

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Me: This Year’s Made for TV Christmas Movie

15 Dec kill santa

Go ahead, sit back and relax with a bowl of Pop Secret. This Christmas, you won’t need to turn on your TV set to watch this year’s spectacular Christmas event. Because the way things are going, I am this year’s ABC Family Original Christmas Movie.

kill santa

Coming to theaters near you! Rated G

Siskel: “An unforgettable event”

Maybe you’re a bit unfamiliar with the concept of ABC Family Original Christmas movies. Let me help you out. For starters, starring in every ABC Family Christmas movie is a B-list TV actor on the downward slope of his or her career (such as Melissa Joan Hart and A.C. Slater in Holiday in Handcuffs). Each movie generally begins with a series of simply hilarious follies or mishaps such as leaving a perm in too long or having to run from the law because of a botched felony (Christmas Caper starring Shannen Doherty) — absolutely hilarious! The mishaps continue, at least two unrealistically matched people fall in love (Christina Milian and Chad Michael Murray in this year’s Christmas Cupid) and the family stops fighting to remember the true meaning of Christmas, etc. etc.

ice water

Upside: Didnt have to use ice in my ice water. Downside: Everything else

My Christmas Story begins in the wee hours of Thursday night, when a big pipe decided to become a deadbeat dad and neglect heating his entire family of apartment building pipes. (Or at least that’s how I see it, because the mechanics of hot water is Spanish to me.) Friday… Saturday… Sunday… Monday….. Tuesday night the hot water comes back on. What luck! Just in time for the worst day of the week!

Rewind to Saturday morning. I am sitting on my couch. My roommate Chad wakes up and comes out, telling me about a fight our other roommate picked with him last night. Chris (known inside my head as Loose Cannon Guy on The Real World) yells from his room that he’s coming out “to talk.” (Loose Cannon usually sleeps until 2pm most days — so this change in behavior leaves me scared). He busts into the living room zipping up his jeans and throws his finger in Chad’s face, using a certain N word in that special Texas way. Chad says nothing, and Chris goes back in his room. Chad and I start to clean up the kitchen. Chris barrels in again, this time appearing to quote directly from a poorly written screenplay about a disturbed youth. It was like watching a bad Real World audition tape.

Skip ahead to Monday. A series of Facebook messages and texts leaves me worried for two days that I might have to find another apartment in less than a month, and during the jolly, ever-so-warm Christmas season. Still no real update on this situation. I wait around for a landlord that never shows up (to address the hot water situation) and feel guilty for going in late to work, then arrive outside to find an orange Christmas card on the windshield of my car.

parking ticket

I hope a bird shit on you while you wrote this

After work on Tuesday, I head to the gym for my first real shower in 5 days. No, I do not put in a workout.

At home, I light a few candles in my room and go to wash my face for bed. I open my door to see flames shooting up from the poinsettia that is in a vase on my bookcase. It’s not even real poinsettia, so it’s not like the petals could have fallen off. Yes, I’m pretty sure I am being haunted by a Christmas ghost who wants to see me die in an ironic way. Luckily, I am able to smother the flames with an Ikea candle holder. They are useful in so many ways.

Poisonous, fragile, AND a fire hazard. What's the friggin POINT?

And so the story continues. I expect things to get increasingly worse over the next 11 days until Christmas (special thanks to Ebay for letting me know the countdown, assholes), with a final scene of me being on the street pushing a cart of bottles and cans like those Asians that I constantly grumble at for waking me up at night. And in case you were wondering about any potential love interests, I think it’s safe to say that my luck in that department will sally forth clear into the New Year.

Congratulations, Natalie Portman!

30 Jul

short hair girl

Short Hair Girl

for hitting NUMBER ONE in the Google image search “short hair girl.” A job well done!

Though she may wish to forget the past, the memory of her bad decisions lives on through Google
-Helen Keller

Whoever did this trailer needs to change professions

4 Mar

The Company Men.

I vote that it should have been a commercial for natural male enhancement. Special thanks to Ben Affleck, Kevin Costner, Tommy Lee Jones, and Chris Cooper for making out with my home city of Boston and hucking the loogy you call The Company Men.

10 of the Most Annoying Faces

22 Jan

10. Mario Lopez

  • Dimples. When a person has dimples, there is an inverse relationship of cuteness to frequency of smiling. The more frequently a person with dimples smiles, the less cute they appear. Other than the time A.C. Slater and Zach Morris fought, I don’t remember ever seeing Mario Lopez frown. Hence, a cute level of 0.
  • Perpetual tan. I’m Irish. You’re just making me jealous.

9. Perez Hilton

  • Unkempt eyebrows. You’re gay, you’re supposed to have that shit covered.
  • Falsies. Blue eyes are reserved for people that are intriguing and smart. Like me. You’re neither. Henceforth, those must be contacts.
  • Ironic smile. I’ll see your poor self-esteem and raise you a past unhealthy relationship with food.

8. Megan Fox

  • DSL
  • Dead eyes. Mostly affecting people with no intellect or talents. Don’t believe me? Go rent the Olsen Twins’ Holiday in the Sun and Lindsay Lohan’s Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen to see the real depth that Ms. Fox has put into her roles.

7. & 6. Heidi Montag (Pratt?) and Spencer Pratt

  • The blond beard and ‘stache. Not cute on anyone.
  • The wonders of science. Thank goodness for scientific discoveries. Without them, Heidi’s face, hair, and body as we know it wouldn’t exist.

5. Miley Cyrus

  • Self-explanatory

4. Ed Westwick

  • Nostrils. Do those things ever settle down?
  • Cheekbones crafted from the finest marble
  • Hair that’s better than mine

3. Justin Bieber

  • Baby face. Stop singing about girls and go build a tent-fort.

2. Lady Gaga

  • …Nothing exceptional going on here. Which must explain the ridiculous outfits they put you in.

taylor swift

1. Taylor Swift

  • Squinty eyes
  • Weird teeth
  • “Angry” eyebrows
  • Lips. Can you close them?!
  • Overall alien-resemblance

And there you have it. A thoroughly-researched, comprehensive list of today’s most annoying faces. I hope I haven’t hurt too many of your feelings, Interneters. Be gentle.

Hannah Mantana: THE MOVIE

30 Mar

Here is the preview* for the comedy short that my friends and I made for Campus Moviefest:

*Sorry it’s not the whole thing – but we need everyone we can to come see our movie (and then vote for it to win) at Campus Moviefest.

Wednesday April 22nd – Bridgewater State College – Campus Center – 7:30pm

FREE

If we win we get to go to NYC for Regionals & win some siqq prizes!! HELP A SISTA OUT, YA? I officially invite you.

Ode to The Short-Haired-Girl

7 Mar

short hair girl

Short-Haired-Girl, you have boldly chosen the road less traveled. Often mistaken for a lesbian, you alone hold the truth of your sexuality deep in your loins. In middle school, you’d hear the other girls whisper “Is that a boy or a girl?” And high school prom was quite the predicament, as short hair just doesn’t quite fit with a prom dress. So you didn’t go.

If they cut you, do you not bleed?

44554186_l

I have walked in your shoes, Short-Haired-Girl. I have listened to the heartfelt confessions of coworkers who thought that I was a Les solely because of my haircut. My ears have often been numb from being bare in the winter air. I have spent entire mornings lusting after my roommate’s hair elastics.

11262006001

Me

But I think we can both agree that it is all worth it. Hacking off my hair at 2 o’clock in the morning because I couldn’t sleep was liberating. For those few months I spent as a Short-Haired-Girl, my morning prep time was cut in half. There was also power in the ability to confuse others about my sexuality.

So Short-Haired-Girl, whether you like girls or not, you are beautiful. I have walked the road you travel every day. And I will think of you, Short-Haired-Girl, every time I get a bad haircut.

How to Get Famous in the 21st Century

19 Feb
(Famous)

(Famous)

Before I tell you how you can attain fame today, it’s important that we look at history first. In consideration of the average modern-day attention span, I have taken the liberty of summing up each century into three or less sentences.

1400s
Become bffls with the King and attain a ship. Find land (Christopher Columbus)

1500s
Paint Bible nonsense (Be generous with halos and doe eyes.) (Leonardo da Vinci, Raphael)
OR
Reject religion and vandalize the Church (Martin Luther)
OR
Invent stuff (Galileo Galilei, Copernicus, Leonardo da Vinci)

1800s
Throw money at things (Andrew Carnegie, John D. Rockefeller)
OR
Kill people (John Wilkes Booth, Jack the Ripper)
*Avoid this route if possible*
OR
Paint without glasses on (Vincent Van Gogh, Claude Monet)
OR
Join the science club (Charles Darwin, Madame Curie, Louis Pasteur)

After skipping several eventful or yawn-inducing centuries, we have arrived in the 2000s. We are but 9 special years into the 21st century, yet there have already been major discoveries in the field of Famosity. I give you…

How to Get Famous in the 21st Century

Choose one of these three paths.

Aspire and attain pop stardom (Britney Spears, NSync)
Minimal talent and a remotely photogenic face will provide you with long-lasting fame and fortune. The gains are significantly greater than the small sacrifice of your childhood and private life.

Use steroids to break into professional sports (Barry Bonds, A-Rod)
A few years of bacne and lying to your closest friends is but a small price to pay for the multi-million dollar product endorsements you’ll soon be enjoying. And it doesn’t really matter when They find out. Just tell them you’re sorry, say you thought it was an energy supplement, then shed a single tear before you fly home to your five Benzes and ergonomically sound robotic wife.

Star on Reality TV (Lauren Conrad, Tiffany “New York” Pollard)
Either act rich and boring, or poor and entertaining. If you succeed in being the most hated or most loved, a couple of spin-off television series’ and a clothing line are in your future.

Good luck, Interneters, in your future endeavors. After following one of the above paths to ultimate Famosity, I anticipate reading each and every one of your autobiographies (written by an assistant, of course.)

With such accomplishments already under our belt in the 21st century, we are on our way to spectacular times ahead.

Think about it

Think about it

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