How you, too, can be an Online Content Writer

A sarcastic and tongue-in-cheek look at the world of online content writing.

Yes, THIS MEANS YOU!

Do you have a computer? Are you capable of forming sentences? Congratulations, you are now steps away from being an Online Content Writer! If you like what you see on sensational websites like The Huffington Post, Fox News, CopyBlogger, and the Boston Herald, here’s how you, too, can become an online content writer JUST LIKE THEM!

Part I: How to make it look like you know what you’re talking about

Formatting is the key to making it look like you know what you’re talking about. The trick is to liberally use bullet points and bold, numbered lists, italics, and underline. Write anything in this paragraph. No one is going to read it, because it’s too long, and there are bullet points in bold below that are shorter and can be read quicker. If there is a particular topic in mind that you would like to highlight such as daisy dukes are back in fashion but this time for men, you can bold it, and the eye will probably travel straight to that phrase, so really, the only word that matters in this paragraph is that phrase, and maybe the last sentence of this paragraph. Daisy dukes are back in fashion because

• The weather is getting warmer
• Men’s shorts are just too longto keep them cool
• All of the celebrities are wearing them!

Youre MINUTES away from churning out pure gold like this

Part II: Copying and paraphrasing your content

Welcome to the second part of your article. This is your chance to truly shine as an online content writer. Prior to this moment, you had listed bullet points of your opinions. Here is the part where you support those opinions with rigorous, original research. Your job is to paraphrase that rigorous, original research, as seen below (and remember the golden rule of Online Content Writing — NEVER CREDIT THE SOURCE! Because you paraphrased it, the content is, naturally, YOUR MATERIAL.)

This summer, daisy dukes are the hottest trend on the Paris and Milan runways – but this time around, MEN are wearing them. Celebrities seen wearing these hot cutoffs include: Charlie Sheen, Justin Bieber, Justin Timberlake, and even Will Ferrell! You can buy the newest daisy dukes at Express for Men, H&M, and Target. (Or you can fashion your very own pair of daisy dukes by cutting the pants off of a pair of faded jeans.) With the way this trend has caught fire in Hollywood, it’s safe to say that daisy dukes are here to stay.

Preschoolers: The little-known eHow audience

…Or maybe you just don’t know what to write. If that’s the case, simply think of what people want, or problems they need to solve.  Don’t worry if you don’t know how to do these things, or how to solve their problems; you can always copy the things other people have written and paraphrase it without giving credit. Remember: YOU ARE THE EXPERT! How to find content that you can copy and paraphrase:

1. Google
2. eHow
3. Wikipedia
4. News articles
5. Personal web pages written by actual experts
6. Blogs
7. Social media (Twitter, Facebook, etc.)
8. Other ways!!!

Part III: Mastering the art of the title

You have now arrived at the single, most important part of being an online content writer (other than not crediting your sources, of course!). If it doesn’t have a good title, no one is going to read it. That means no one is going to click on the Adsense ads embedded in your page or fill out your affiliate form for Hotels Combined.

Fear, check. Size 700 font, check. Blood-like font color, check. Dramatic picture, check. SUCCESS!!

In their titles, the masters of online content use: fear, accusation, suspense, and the old standby of “10 ways to…” So you’re writing about The Adverse Effects of Watching Television in Juveniles. (This is actually the title of a Popular Science article — which you are paraphrasing.) By using the techniques I mentioned, here are some great ways to spin that crusty old title into something that PUNCHES YOUR AUDIENCE IN THE FACE:

• Fear: “Why Your Child Could Perish in 5 Years”
• Accusation: “How You’re Killing Your Children”
• Suspense: “The Household Object That is Slowly Murdering Each and Every One of your Children”
• 10 Ways: “10 Ways your Child Could Die in your Own Home”

By now, you should feel very comfortable with using bulletpoints and bold, copying content and paraphrasing it, and writing effective titles. Make sure to summarize your entire article here at the bottom to make it easy for people who do not have the time to read your entire article. You are now officially an online writing expert – set up a Twitter account, Facebook page, write your new professional title in your email signature and LinkedIn profile, and get ready to share that content!

Special thanks to the thousands of online content writers, bloggers, Moms Who Work from Home, Online Marketing Gurus and various Web Marketing Affiliates who were the inspiration for this article. Shout-0ut to The Content Farm, another source of mockery of online content.

The Budding Career of a Professional Greeting Card Writer

My parents are trying to sell our house. I know this because A) I found The Idiot’s Guide to Buying and Selling a Home in our living room and B) turning up all over the house are things from the past — things that have spent years gathering dust in corners and closets underneath stacks of old National Geographic magazines. This means that they must have already read Chapter 8: How to Get Rid of all the S–t You Accumulated over the Past Twenty Years. I was looking for a stamp today when I came across a ziplock bag filled with a snapshot of my childhood. Here’s what I found.

All signed by me.

Which led me to the shocking conclusion… As a kid, I wanted to be a professional greeting card writer. For some reason I repressed this memory — I remember always wanting to be A Writer as a kid. Which is, still, far less cool than wanting to be, oh a firefighter or professional soccer player, you know, something unattainable for the average person but at least it sounded cool during recess. On second thought, maybe I repressed the memory after everyone laughed at me during recess.

Anyway, here’s your chance to be floored by the budding career of an aspiring professional greeting card writer.

Get well soon — Feel free to wipe your germ-infested boogers on this card

Congradulations on your recent marriage!! Your ex-wives from your last three marriages sent these razor-edged pinwheels in honor of your newest matrimony

[Inside]:

Wishing you all the happiness that life has to offer to two people with a bastard blonde child; why do you think we picked out a card with a bride in a yellow wedding dress? That dirty whore you’re marrying obviously isn’t fit for a white one and you’re too busy giving mustache rides to Wendy’s employees to know the difference

[Inside]:

Nope, I’ve had funner

And two postcards:

Hello! from Hallucinating Rainbow Island, Tennessee and Bad Acid Trip Shards of Glass Raining from the Chicken Pox Clouds, Minnesota

A Day at the Brain Doctor’s Office

Yesterday, me and my pal Restless Leg Syndrome climbed into the car and dropped in for a visit to my doctor at South Shore Neurology.

Walking into the waiting room at 851 Main Street is an enjoyable experience which I look forward to every six months. Don’t get me wrong, there are times when I wish I could be Michael Keaton in Multiplicity and go shopping while my clone is left to leaf through a decaying People Magazine for a couple of hours. Despite the waiting, people-watching in a neurologist’s waiting room is fun. There are cute old people accompanied by their younger handlers, attempting to keep the flighty wanderings in check with inconsistent success. There are middle-aged, be-lipsticked working women impatiently bobbing their high-heeled feet. Yesterday there appeared to be a couple of divorcées on their 4th date, evident by the liberal laughter in response to the man’s second-rate jokes, and the absence of a goodbye kiss as the woman departed to get her brain checked out. But the most fun in people-watching at 851 Main Street comes via my vivid yet drastic imagination. It’s kind of a pleasure to imagine the crazy nonsense that is occurring behind each of my fellow patients’ skulls.

Old Mr. Pennyloafers to my left is undergoing the first stages of dementia. Somewhere in his brain, a group of synapses are munching on York Peppermint Patties while watching reruns of The Price is Right. Meanwhile Mr. Pennyloafers’ daughter, Elise, is downloading an iPhone app that will estimate the value of her father’s estate for when he croaks in oh, 2, 3 years. Across from me, Sharon Gladstone-Perry and her migraines might find relief in a new drug heavily promoted by Redbook. As for the lovers in the corner, Amy has decided to save her tidbit about narcolepsy for a later date in the relationship.

The nurse calls my name. I am led down a hallway to a familiar room which, though the building was built only ten years ago, still appears to be from the seventies. Leather-bound books with titles such as “Restless Leg Syndrome and You” and (in excessively large and visible lettering) “DEMENTIA,” line the walls. I settle into a chair and become entranced by a paperweight on my doctor’s desk. Is it very windy in this part of the building? At one point in the day does my doctor desperately scan his desk for something of just the right size that will secure flyaway papers to his desk, something other than the equally heavy stapler and book that are also within reach? At this time Dr. Herman enters the room and we exchange hello’s.

The conversation gets a bit off track with a discussion about the pitfalls of German cuisine. Such is the manner of Dr. Herman; our last visit was mainly about the two Canadian DJs who prank called Sarah Palin, peppered with a bit of discussion about my RLS. (For a man of sixty, my doctor really knows his way around YouTube.) He recommends Berlin for my upcoming Eurotrip, we advance to the screening room for a more comprehensive version of the sobriety test, and then it’s back to his office for the icing on the cake.

This is the part where Dr. Herman dictates a letter to my primary care physician into a tape recorder, which I assume is later typed up by some unfortunate medical assistant. I am still unsure as to why my presence is necessary for this portion of the visit, but I enjoy it nonetheless. As a man of sixty, Dr. Herman has probably been doing this tape-recording-shindig for decades. And at one point in time it was probably a cutting-edge technology. Dr. Herman begins. After every sentence, he says “STOP.” It sounds very official and I can perfectly visualize said unfortunate medical assistant rolling her eyes. Last is the update on my vitals. This is the part where Dr. Herman strings words and numbers together into a mess of gibberish. If you asked me if he were describing a 22 year-old girl or the approximate size and weight of a lawn chair, I would not be able to tell you. Click. He stands up, we say our goodbyes and I find myself once again in the waiting room.

As I make an appointment with the receptionist for 6 months in advance, I am saddened by the fact that I may have to cancel. (I’m aiming to flee Massachusetts for a warmer climate and better job market come Fall). My only hope is that Dr. Herman can refer me to a doctor’s office that is just as much fun as 851 Main Street.

Getting Personal with Samantha

I apologize for skimping on the text lately. New England is boring me. I have travel fever, but I’m locked down by school and an ill-paying internship. And I don’t mean “ill” as in “That’s one ill muh fucka!”

I have been practicing various forms of escapism as a way to take my mind off of my mundane daily life. I have been reading this book:

which is very, very good (but the ultimate test will be   when I actually get to the city on March 8th.) I have been applying to summer jobs and internships. I have been jealously reading travel blogs, my favorite one as of late being Nomadic Matt, written by a guy that did the college thing, got his Masters, got a job, then quit everything and became a gypsy. A gypsy that owns a laptop and updates frequently from the road.

I have also been enjoying the company of this handsome fellow:

Last, I spend most showers and commutes fantasizing about future  occupations, most of them associated with travel. Oh man that sounds pathetic. Oh well. The most recurring occupational fantasies are

1. Me as Host of a TV show on the Travel Channel

<–Optional slogan: ‘Sit at home and watch people travel on TV’

2. Me as a Writer for a TV show on the Travel Channel (which leads to imagining a life of poverty and frequent writers’ strikes, not to mention getting taken advantage of by everyone in a suit – hey, isn’t that what happens? & THAT’s why I’m getting a business degree instead of an English degree)

3. Me as Author of assorted nonfiction bestsellers (don’t worry – I would NEVER curse the world with a book as shitty as Steven Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People)

4. Me as a Camerawoman for Anthony Bourdain’s show on the Travel Channel

<–“You’re a little close”

5. Me taking over Samantha Brown’s job on the Travel Channel (Let’s face it. Eventually she’ll age out of hosting)

It’s okay, I hate New England too—->

5. Me as Vice President of Viacom (you know, the keyholder to Comedy Central, MTV, VH1, Nickelodeon, Paramount Pictures, etc.)

6. Me as Marketing Extraordinaire for Viacom

7. Me as a Travel Writer (I suppose freelancing is a start..)

I’ll stop at seven.

My next trip is Brooklyn/Manhattan from March 8th – 12th. I haven’t written my Manhattan entry yet because I’m still planning the itinerary. (Yea, I’m one of those people.)

I just hate the thought of coming back home. :(

Phonics: “Pah-hoe-nykes”

When I’m bored in the shower I enjoy reading the backs of shampoo bottles. When I’m bored on the train to work, I enjoy reading the Metro,  and when I’m bored on the train after work, I flip through  Stuff@Night. I am a Level 5 Ad-Ignorer for both, which is ironic because I work in advertising. And by work in advertising, I mean that I scan and file the ad contracts that put the ads on the pages of Stuff@Night and The Boston Phoenix. True Life: I’m an Intern.

These are my two favorite columnists. Both are guaranteed to make me LOL on a trainride, thus disturbing other passengers’ Staring-Into-Space time.

1. Elliott Kalan, Metro columnist, writer for the Daily Show, political satirist and sex object

Read his occasionally-posted-on-the-Metro-website column here (under “Kalan:”). The Metro makes me quite proud of the weird web-people that sit behind me and run our webpages.

2. Mike Diskin, Stuff@Night columnist (writes Saturday Night Live), creative director for Stuff@Night

‘Twas The Weekend Before Christmas

by Michael Diskin  |  January 12, 2009

EXCERPT:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Read the rest here. Iambic pentameter not included.

Have a good weekend, Interneters;  I’m off to watch the boyfriend’s band  at the All Asia Cafe. I’m hoping to meet some real, live Asians.

Storytime with Samantha

(This Book Sucks)

Last night, I found a folder of stories written by 2nd-Grade-Me. At age 7, I thought I was “The Bomb” at writing. Screw being an astraunaut or firefighter; I wanted to be “A Writer” when I grew up, which, to me, consisted of sitting in a shack typing on a typewriter by candlelight, and wearing glasses. I’ve pretty much only followed through on the latter.

 

That being said, here are some excerpts from my captivating tales, for your viewing pleasure.

**PLEASE NOTE**

These excerpts are narrated by 21-Year-Old-Sam, not 2nd-Grade-Sam, because I’m not quite sure how to go back in time yet. If anyone has any tips on how to go back in time, please let me know, or send me a link. Sorry for any inconvenience.

 

Words of Wisdom

*alternate title: Rejected Wikipedia Entry

 

Pity Wow

And yes, I dyed my hair brown. You are so kind, I like it too.