The Budding Career of a Professional Greeting Card Writer

15 Jul

My parents are trying to sell our house. I know this because A) I found The Idiot’s Guide to Buying and Selling a Home in our living room and B) turning up all over the house are things from the past — things that have spent years gathering dust in corners and closets underneath stacks of old National Geographic magazines. This means that they must have already read Chapter 8: How to Get Rid of all the S–t You Accumulated over the Past Twenty Years. I was looking for a stamp today when I came across a ziplock bag filled with a snapshot of my childhood. Here’s what I found.

Rejected Hallmark Applicant: The Complete Works

All signed by me.

Which led me to the shocking conclusion… As a kid, I wanted to be a professional greeting card writer. For some reason I repressed this memory — I remember always wanting to be A Writer as a kid. Which is, still, far less cool than wanting to be, oh a firefighter or professional soccer player, you know, something unattainable for the average person but at least it sounded cool during recess. On second thought, maybe I repressed the memory after everyone laughed at me during recess.

Anyway, here’s your chance to be floored by the budding career of an aspiring professional greeting card writer.

slumber party

get well soon

Get well soon — Feel free to wipe your germ-infested boogers on this card

hallmark applicant 2

Congradulations on your recent marriage!! Your ex-wives from your last three marriages sent these razor-edged pinwheels in honor of your newest matrimony

[Inside]:

awkward family

Wishing you all the happiness that life has to offer to two people with a bastard blonde child; why do you think we picked out a card with a bride in a yellow wedding dress? That dirty whore you’re marrying obviously isn’t fit for a white one and you’re too busy giving mustache rides to Wendy’s employees to know the difference

fun

[Inside]:

Nope, I’ve had funner

And two postcards:
postcards

Hello! from Hallucinating Rainbow Island, Tennessee and Bad Acid Trip Shards of Glass Raining from the Chicken Pox Clouds, Minnesota

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7 Responses to “The Budding Career of a Professional Greeting Card Writer”

  1. Whale Maiden July 15, 2010 at 11:21 pm #

    Oh I love your cards and your commentary! I was laughing out loud by the time I got to the “Hello from Hallucinating Rainbow Island, Tennessee and Bad Acid Trip Shards of Glass Raining from the Chicken Pox Clouds, Minnesota.” Please keep writing!!

    Best wishes,
    ~WM~

  2. ummmmheyyyy July 16, 2010 at 12:47 am #

    Thanks Whale! :) haha

  3. Christa July 16, 2010 at 5:26 am #

    Ahaha. Awesome. :) I look forward to getting emails from you. xD

  4. LaboriousLiving July 16, 2010 at 5:10 pm #

    You have a bright future lady!

  5. Michael July 18, 2010 at 5:47 am #

    Okay the slumber party card is ridiculously adorable and holy smokes super creative.

    The subtext on the “whore bride, bastard child, free mustache rides to Wendy’s employees groom” I thought was self evident from the card, thus making your additional commentary somewhat pedantic.

    Didja know that if the mom doesn’t have a chin cleft and the dad doesn’t have a chin cleft, but the baby has a chin cleft…then congrats! That baby belongs to another man!

    You should do a card for that.

  6. ummmmheyyyy July 19, 2010 at 4:03 am #

    Saving the insult for the middle of the comment. Brilliant. I like your style.

  7. roulette pengar July 22, 2010 at 6:33 pm #

    Damn, that sound’s so easy if you think about it.

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