Confession: I have a neurological disorder! Yaaaayyyyyy

15 Jan
Me and my pal Restless Leg Syndrome
here we are in Arizona
RLS and I have been kicking it since 2007. We went to bed together, and she kept me up all night.
OOoooohhhh Yeaaaaaaaa.

My mom, a nurse,  suggested that bananas might help me get to sleep. A few weeks of bedtime bananas and REM-deprived nights went by. I finally realized that BANANAS DID NOT STOP MY LEGS FROM MOVING, as sensible as the idea might sound.  My Mom (a frickin NURSE, I remind you) was wrong. Mom — your cover has been blown. When you put on your “Nurse’s Uniform” and go to “work,” you’re actually driving to Rhode Island to work the penny-slots and watch Steve Anthony & Persuasions play the best of the 70s, 80s, and 90s.

I began seeing a neurologist, a man named Dr. Blackman, who hates Sarah Palin and looooves the Canadian prank call. Dr. Blackman gave me a prescription for Requip, also used to treat Parkinson’s Disease. Essentially, I am taking the same pills as


who is another Canadian that matters. I know this because I did a book report on him in the 3rd grade. (I may have misunderstood the assignment.)

So, What IS Restless Leg Syndrome?

Good question. Here’s what I think:


That being said, I get into bed, pop a large pill, wait out a few minutes of Restless Legs-ness, then doze off.

There have been a few occasions when I have slept outside of my natural habitat and forgot to bring my pills. That sucks. It takes me hours to fall asleep because my legs seem to think they’re engaging in a soccer match when my mind is all “HEY DOWN THERE DID YOU NOTICE THE BED? IT’S TIME FOR SLEEP” – but eventually I do fall asleep. However, I have been told by a credible source that my legs move in my sleep. Which makes me feel like a dog that tries to run in its sleep. And I am a girl, so associating myself with a dog makes me feel quite poopy.



12 Responses to “Confession: I have a neurological disorder! Yaaaayyyyyy”

  1. James McKenna January 15, 2009 at 5:36 am #

    please tell me your a international soccer star once the lights go out in samantha town.

    unintentionally you just run for hours and kick shit.

  2. outspokenandunderpaid January 15, 2009 at 3:00 pm #

    I’m new to your website and I think you are really funny!!! Can’t wait to read more!

  3. Aaron Goldfarb January 15, 2009 at 4:06 pm #

    A lot of alcohol always cures all my ills. At the least, it cures my restless person syndrome.

  4. ummmmheyyyy January 16, 2009 at 2:40 am #

    thanks outspokenandunderpaid.. i love it when people butter me up.

  5. ummmmheyyyy January 16, 2009 at 2:42 am #

    Farb, i should have mentioned that going to bed shitfaced also seems to work the same as Requip. Weird, huh

  6. ummmmheyyyy January 16, 2009 at 2:44 am #

    Jimmy Benign i quit soccer in the 5th grade so maybe my subconscious is punishing me for it. :(

  7. muhgeen January 17, 2009 at 2:05 am #

    i love your visuals, i’m a fan

  8. ummmmheyyyy January 17, 2009 at 6:15 am #

    oh hai megan smith & thank you. i love your visuals as well!

  9. katiestrophic January 17, 2009 at 4:34 pm #

    i like turtles….yup, I went there

  10. Dr. Dave January 17, 2009 at 10:21 pm #

    Funny stuff, Samantha.

  11. dctouristsandlocals January 21, 2009 at 6:49 pm #

    Alcohol only works for a few hours, until you’ve metabolized it all and you wake up in a sweat. Then you’ll be restless and smelly, which can approximate poopiness.

  12. ghali February 18, 2009 at 7:13 pm #

    merci bien mon ami

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