Tag Archives: fail

How you, too, can be an Online Content Writer

29 Mar online content writer

A sarcastic and tongue-in-cheek look at the world of online content writing.

online content writer

Yes, THIS MEANS YOU!

Do you have a computer? Are you capable of forming sentences? Congratulations, you are now steps away from being an Online Content Writer! If you like what you see on sensational websites like The Huffington Post, Fox News, CopyBlogger, and the Boston Herald, here’s how you, too, can become an online content writer JUST LIKE THEM!

Part I: How to make it look like you know what you’re talking about

Formatting is the key to making it look like you know what you’re talking about. The trick is to liberally use bullet points and bold, numbered lists, italics, and underline. Write anything in this paragraph. No one is going to read it, because it’s too long, and there are bullet points in bold below that are shorter and can be read quicker. If there is a particular topic in mind that you would like to highlight such as daisy dukes are back in fashion but this time for men, you can bold it, and the eye will probably travel straight to that phrase, so really, the only word that matters in this paragraph is that phrase, and maybe the last sentence of this paragraph. Daisy dukes are back in fashion because

  • The weather is getting warmer
  • Men’s shorts are just too longto keep them cool
  • All of the celebrities are wearing them!

copyblogger gold

Youre MINUTES away from churning out pure gold like this

Part II: Copying and paraphrasing your content

Welcome to the second part of your article. This is your chance to truly shine as an online content writer. Prior to this moment, you had listed bullet points of your opinions. Here is the part where you support those opinions with rigorous, original research. Your job is to paraphrase that rigorous, original research, as seen below (and remember the golden rule of Online Content Writing — NEVER CREDIT THE SOURCE! Because you paraphrased it, the content is, naturally, YOUR MATERIAL.)

This summer, daisy dukes are the hottest trend on the Paris and Milan runways – but this time around, MEN are wearing them. Celebrities seen wearing these hot cutoffs include: Charlie Sheen, Justin Bieber, Justin Timberlake, and even Will Ferrell! You can buy the newest daisy dukes at Express for Men, H&M, and Target. (Or you can fashion your very own pair of daisy dukes by cutting the pants off of a pair of faded jeans.) With the way this trend has caught fire in Hollywood, it’s safe to say that daisy dukes are here to stay.

how to tie a shoelace

Preschoolers: The little-known eHow audience

…Or maybe you just don’t know what to write. If that’s the case, simply think of what people want, or problems they need to solve.  Don’t worry if you don’t know how to do these things, or how to solve their problems; you can always copy the things other people have written and paraphrase it without giving credit. Remember: YOU ARE THE EXPERT! How to find content that you can copy and paraphrase:

  1. Google
  2. eHow
  3. Wikipedia
  4. News articles
  5. Personal web pages written by actual experts
  6. Blogs
  7. Social media (Twitter, Facebook, etc.)
  8. Other ways!!!

Part III: Mastering the art of the title

You have now arrived at the single, most important part of being an online content writer (other than not crediting your sources, of course!). If it doesn’t have a good title, no one is going to read it. That means no one is going to click on the Adsense ads embedded in your page or fill out your affiliate form for Hotels Combined.

the ultimate title

Fear, check. Size 700 font, check. Blood-like font color, check. Dramatic picture, check. SUCCESS!!

In their titles, the masters of online content use: fear, accusation, suspense, and the old standby of “10 ways to…” So you’re writing about The Adverse Effects of Watching Television in Juveniles. (This is actually the title of a Popular Science article — which you are paraphrasing.) By using the techniques I mentioned, here are some great ways to spin that crusty old title into something that PUNCHES YOUR AUDIENCE IN THE FACE:

  • Fear: “Why Your Child Could Perish in 5 Years”
  • Accusation: “How You’re Killing Your Children”
  • Suspense: “The Household Object That is Slowly Murdering Each and Every One of your Children”
  • 10 Ways: “10 Ways your Child Could Die in your Own Home”

By now, you should feel very comfortable with using bulletpoints and bold, copying content and paraphrasing it, and writing effective titles. Make sure to summarize your entire article here at the bottom to make it easy for people who do not have the time to read your entire article. You are now officially an online writing expert – set up a Twitter account, Facebook page, write your new professional title in your email signature and LinkedIn profile, and get ready to share that content!

Special thanks to the thousands of online content writers, bloggers, Moms Who Work from Home, Online Marketing Gurus and various Web Marketing Affiliates who were the inspiration for this article. Shout-0ut to The Content Farm, another source of mockery of online content.

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10 Things No One Gave a Shit About in 2010

28 Dec

What with the BP disaster, Chilean miners, Wikileaks, the Craigslist Killer Lifetime Movie and everything else that was important in 2010 getting a second wind of exposure, I’ve decided to put out my own list of Top 10 in 2010. It’s time to shine a light on those things that had no influence over anyone in 2010.

10. Poor hamburger phone connectivity

hamburger phone

I’m tired of all these wireless providers getting all the attention. I’m having a serious hamburger phone connectivity issue here! I can’t make outgoing calls, I can’t get incoming calls, and anytime I hear dialtone it sounds like an orca whale and a fire alarm are mating on the other end of the line. I do not appreciate prank calls, Hamburger Phone Network! If you had a Twitter account, I would not hesitate to Direct Message the shit out of your interns!

9. Rhett Akers’ basement videos

Rhett Akers is on the fast track to Internet Stardom with his Youtube videos, filmed in what appears to be the basement apartment of his parents’ house. And there’s more where that came from, ladies — follow @RhettAkers on Twitter for some more guitar/shirtless action! Red hot!

*If you’re insinuating that I found Rhett Candy by chance today, you are correct

8. Maatia Toafa is elected Prime Minister of Tuvalu

I know what you’re thinking. Tuvalu? Why didn’t this make headlines?!! Well, it’s likely that the news was slightly overshadowed by the record-setting billion-dollar campaign ad expenditures on the other side of the world.

7. Knitting with Dog Hair trend takes off

knitting with dog hair
Meredith Biggelsworth and son

Largely spurred by the 1997 publication of Knitting with Dog Hair: Better a Sweater from a Dog You Know Than from a Sheep You’ll Never Meet, the knitting with dog hair trend reached a pivotal point in 2010, with one final influx of midwestern stay-at-home-moms to the Internet. It was a historical day for the cult phenomenon when on November 23, 2010, 7 total pictures were uploaded to Twitter since 1997.* Says Anne Montgomery, author of KWDH,

“Buster passed on January 12, 1994. It was a painful time for me, as it was right after the holidays and I was also going through a separation period from my now ex-husband. I looked around the house and the solution was right there in front of me. I gathered up Buster’s fur, picked up my knitting needles, and began working away. Now I can have Buster close to my heart whenever I need him.”

Montgomery is currently working on a guide to making jewelry out of hamster feces.

*Source: Twitter Trends

6. How many times I wore these socks

socks

To estimate the number of times I wore these socks in 2010, I will multiply their level of softness by the approximate coldness of my apartment floor, divided by the number of pairs of other socks that I own, minus two days (days I have owned these equally warm slippers, thanks Mom), equals 17.6. I think it’s safe to say that they’ve paid for themselves!

5. It became okay to abort a twin

zach and codyWhat would the world be like if selective reduction had been around for the first trimester of Zach and Cody?* I do not care to imagine such a dark place… I remember exactly where I was when I read the editorial about selective reduction in the back of Elle Magazine. I don’t even know why I began reading the story, I tend to ignore all text in that magazine because it’s usually nonsense written by girls who have cotton balls for brains. Anyway. It was a story about a woman that found out she was pregnant with twins, and was considering the option of aborting one of them. Spoiler alert: she goes for it. Now, I’m fairly open-minded and have a range of liberal views (if you get my gist), but I was shocked, disgusted, and frankly, scared when I reached the end of the story. Regardless of what a parent may say, one way or another, the kid is going to grow up and find out that they should have had a brother or sister. Cue emotional destruction, stage one. What’s weird is that selective reduction is nothing new, the procedure was developed in the 1980s, but it’s becoming more popular. I give it 10 years to further unfold into a Brave New World dystopian scenario.

*It was around, just not popular yet.

4. Spanky resurfaces

spankyRemember the 90s Little Rascals movie, and that kid Spanky who was soooo cute? … That is all.

3. I slept with a bunny

bunny

2. MOBA acquires its newest piece

bad art

Hollywood Lips is about one woman’s inner battle between light and dark, partially owed to the fact that she resembles a palm tree and has weird, angry eyes. Kids can be cruel.

1. This roll of tape ran out

tape

DIY Jacuzzi Hot Tub Fails

19 Nov

I work at a website which, among other things, helps people buy hot tubs. Along the way, I’ve learned a couple of things about hot tubs that I wish I never knew. Firstly, “hot tub girl” is the most searched for phrase in Google in relation to hot tubs in general. Second, I stumbled across a girl who killed her baby in a hot tub, possibly after skipping several important English classes. Thirdly, it seems that public Health class curriculum does not include Safe Hot Tub Sex, as quite a few people seem to be Googling the sh*t out of hot tubs and STDs.’ Lastly, in that typically American way, there seems to be much interest in the hot tub world for DIY hot tubs. Yes, there are actually people out there who make their pickup truck into a hot tub using a garden hose, engine exhaust, and a pinch of redneck. Which leads me to… the ten most epic DIY hot tub fails.

1. Equal ratio hot tub fail

hot tub party

2. Flammable synthetic material fail

hot tub fail

3. Redneck soup fail

redneck fail

4. Homeless fail

homeless fail

5. Cute girl fail

wooden hot tub

6. Supportive beam fail

epic hot tub fail

7. Sobriety fail

sobriety fail

8. Hot tub home fail

hot tub family fail

9. Match.com fail

Match.com fail

10. Threesome fail

Threesome fail

Kindly excuse me while I drop some free hot tub PR for the site I work for… Now git yer hot tub prices, ya hear?

Now that’s just not nice.

25 Feb

I have some very exciting news! For a few months now, I’ve been working on a groundbreaking invention that will make using the Internet like it never was before. With this new website interface, the possibilities are endless. The economy will be spurred by it, new industries will arise from it, and millions of companies worldwide, profit and non, will benefit from its vast reach. And the best part is, no one has EVER done ANYTHING like it before.

Here is a sneak peak at what I have been working on. Please keep it under wraps:

=

It’s easy to steal shit.

Especially online. So, either this doucher had an epiphany 5 months after I had mine, or something’s on the stove and it smells like plagiarism. Internet-style. And peppered with awkwardly-formed, haphazard words. Oh, it’s fine “Caleb Jones,” I hate you and your pixellated header too.

Bad Local Commercials

4 Apr

I just found my new Saturday morning activity. (By ‘morning’ I mean from the time I begin mixing my hangover cocktail of coffee and Excedrin, until about 2:30pm.) My new activity is Watching Bad Local Commercials on Youtube. Bad local commercials usually have one or all of the following qualities:

  • Dead eyes
  • Visually unappealing film quality
  • Echoing words (ex. “No Money Down -Down -Down -Down”)
  • Awkward physical movements (ex. the wavering point of a finger)
  • Use of 1980s special effects (ex. The Mirror Effect)picture-5

These ones had me laughing.

1.

“They-fuh-leh tellmeboutoneeyehundedtoosellhomes” Oh, and WHY ARE WE STANDING IN FRONT OF THESE BATHING SUITS??

2.

It’s more fun if you replace the word “model” with “bitch”:

3.

At 0:52 she’s laughing at the silly ghost that just flew by.

These guys on Youtube share my fixation with all things local-commercial, plus they’re hilarious. I messaged them telling them that I would Internet-stalk them until I met them this summer (they live in North Carolina, which is where I’ll be for my internship).

I think it’s genius that they love local commercials enough to make bad local commercials for real businesses. Because that’s what it’s all about. Paying it forward. Coming full circle. Keeping the faith. Clicheing the phrase.

Spring Break in Manhattan

15 Mar

dsc003352After biking across the Brooklyn Bridge, Greg and I bike-laned our way over to Canal Street. I believe I was misled by the stereotype that all Asians ride bikes – because quite a few Asian shopkeepers frowned at our bikes taking up their precious sidewalk space. Next time I visit I might “accidentally” ride my bike into a couple tables of plastic sunglasses and pashmina scarves…

A sidestreet off of Canal Street

A sidestreet off of Canal Street

dsc00313

And just a suggestion – thou shalt spellcheck before engaging in graffiti.

After sadly returning the bikes, we visited Central Park. Unfortunately, we did not see any jogging Phoebe Boufays.

dsc00326But we did visit Strawberry Fields, where I sniped a picture of Greg looking retarded hipster in aviators and the jacket Jimmy stole from some poor shmuck at The Pourhouse. And Greg sniped a couple pictures of me just looking retarded in general.

dsc00328

I is a hat!

dsc003341

After this, we visited the Met (Metropolitan Museum of Art) because I had been there once before and left feeling like I hadn’t even seen 1/10  of it. (That’s what happens when you’re the only person in your family who enjoys art.)

This shrine from the Middle Ages made me laugh, because…

dsc00347

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It pissed me off that when heading north from Downtown, there were fewer train stops. Probably because all the rich people in Midtown & Uptown don’t want all the “normal people” clogging up their Starbucks’. Greg and I never took a cab – because there was no need to. The trains are easy to use, and walking is really the best way of exploring a city, anyway. Plus we didn’t want to spend all our money on transportation. We’d rather spend it on food in Brooklyn…

In conclusion,

Brooklyn > Manhattan

FAILstatusupdate

9 Jan

I’m guessing college didn’t quite work out for Jess.

life-it-to-short

Free Tshirt!

29 Dec

UPDATE: CONTEST IS OVER

I will give you (YES, YOU) this FREE TSHIRT!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

All you have to do is click the picture above,

bid on the Tshirt through Ebay,

then pay me via PayPal.

“WHOA!” You must be thinking.

“This is TOO GOOD to be TRUE,” you say to yourself.

Well, friends, it’s NOT too good to be true. It’s happening.

RIGHT NOW.

Good luck on this limited-time-only contest!

 

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