10 Tips for Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

28 Oct

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?

This post has been syndicated from ZombieZone.com.

zombie survival guideOkay, you may not have found that funny, but unfortunately it may be the new reality. Undisclosed sources say that Halloween 2010 will see the first zombie apocalypse.  BuyerZone wants you to be prepared!  Here are ten important tips that will help you stay alive until your local Zombie Removal & Extermination crew can come to the rescue.

  1. DON’T DIE: If this isn’t #1 on your list, then good luck. Are partially chewed-up people knocking at your door?  Don’t answer it! They are ZOMBIES and you, my friend, are walking, talking prime rib.  Zombies don’t talk, reason, or have any other functions besides eating.  So, STAY AWAY FROM THEIR MOUTHS!!!  Even if you aren’t devoured, a bite spreads the infection and is 100% deadly.  After about 24 hours, newly infected people die and rise to join the ranks of the undead.
  2. Kill Creatively: Guess who through a sniper scope. One might think that there are only so many ways to destroy the zombie brain.  Wrong!  Go into your shed, work room, or attic and find a sharp or blunt weapon. Use it to take your frustration out and split some zombie skulls!  With a friend?  Play a game.  Try guess who, but from a distance with a large caliber rifle.
  3. Play Time: Just because the world is ending doesn’t mean you can’t have fun. What is the point of being human if you can’t act it?  Take a break from killing creatively and play a game of Monopoly.  It will take your mind off the apocalypse …for awhile.
  4. Fitness: Lean, mean zombie-killing machine. If you can’t beat ‘em, practice running from them. Otherwise, you will be remembered as that aerobically-challenged member of the group who sacrificed himself so the others could escape.  When the apocalypse comes, cardio means everything. Weight training won’t make you look heroic as you lift a zombie over your head only to be devoured by the throngs of voracious zombies surrounding you.
  5. Hygiene: You don’t want to smell worse than they do. So, who knows how long you’ll be stuck wherever you are?  Prioritize the use of your water: set rations for drinking and cleaning yourself.  A week or two without a shower won’t kill anyone.  Also, long hair is a great way for a zombie to get a hold of you.  Sounds like crew cuts are in style!
  6. Food & Supplies: Shop before you drop…DEAD! A hungry survivor is a weak survivor.  Head to the nearest un-looted convenience store and grab as many non-perishables and bottles of water as you can. You don’t want to survive a zombie siege only to succumb to thirst and hunger.
  7. Attire: Does camo make your butt look big? Heels – lose them.  Burberry coat – useless.  In this fashion scenario, you don’t want to look like a ‘great catch.’  What you need are a good pair of boots and dark, earthy-colored clothes.  Form-fitted clothing is preferable for escaping the grasp of decaying hands.
  8. Home Sweet Home: Build your own warm, cozy fortress. Since zombies aren’t tactful or dexterous, they can be easy to outwit.  It may be possible to keep one out behind a door but don’t plan on leaning against it when a dozen zombies are trying to break through – that’s just cinematic suicide, as dozens of movies have shown. Instead, think height. Set up shop on the second floor or roof – but make sure to barricade or destroy your stairs so they can’t follow.
  9. On The Move: The ZTA – Zombie Transit AuthorityIgnore your impulses to jump into the nearest car. Cars need gas, and after the apocalypse, do you really think Shell will stay open?  Instead, steal a mountain bike and hit the trails.  Fast, quiet, and no gas required.
  10. Communication: Yes, without social media. No power, no computer, no Internet, and no phone networks.  If you’re fortunate enough to know Morse Code, you’re still probably out of luck.  It takes two for that tango.  The ideal communication device is a CB radio.  If all else fails, try a white board and a pair of binoculars.

Unless you’re an easy target, these tips should keep you alive and uninfected until trained zombie exterminators are able to reach your area.

Get your free Zombie Extermination price quotes today!


3 Responses to “10 Tips for Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse”

  1. Ahmnodt Heare October 28, 2010 at 1:56 pm #

    Thank you for introducing my to a new voting base! I am confident I can campaign to zombies and bring peace.

  2. Rindo October 28, 2010 at 2:37 pm #

    Gee, thanks. One more important thing:

    Sex: There won’t be too many humans around anyway. Enjoy yourselves while you can. God knows when you’ll be able to, again. Unless you’re a necrophiliac, in which case, the Zombie Apocalypse oughta be a field day, for you freaks. *blech*

  3. ummmmheyyyy October 28, 2010 at 6:41 pm #

    Good luck on your new demographic!

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