I work at a website which, among other things, helps people buy hot tubs. Along the way, I’ve learned a couple of things about hot tubs that I wish I never knew. Firstly, “hot tub girl” is the most searched for phrase in Google in relation to hot tubs in general. Second, I stumbled across a girl who killed her baby in a hot tub, possibly after skipping several important English classes. Thirdly, it seems that public Health class curriculum does not include Safe Hot Tub Sex, as quite a few people seem to be Googling the sh*t out of hot tubs and STDs.’ Lastly, in that typically American way, there seems to be much interest in the hot tub world for DIY hot tubs. Yes, there are actually people out there who make their pickup truck into a hot tub using a garden hose, engine exhaust, and a pinch of redneck. Which leads me to… the ten most epic DIY hot tub fails.
1. Equal ratio hot tub fail
2. Flammable synthetic material fail
3. Redneck soup fail
4. Homeless fail
5. Cute girl fail
6. Supportive beam fail
7. Sobriety fail
8. Hot tub home fail
9. Match.com fail
10. Threesome fail
Kindly excuse me while I drop some free hot tub PR for the site I work for… Now git yer hot tub prices, ya hear?
CASTING CALL — Males & Female Models ALL AGES — $200 to $1000/day (Burlington)
Date: 2010-07-25, 3:08PM PDT
Reply to: job-swjp-1979722@craigslist.org
We are a camping supply website seeking fresh faces to model our new product line.
Must have photogenic facial features; ‘average’ or ‘disappointing’ body is okay**
No experience necessary, please email two or more headshots to info@vtarmynavy.com
Examples of past model work wearing our past styles are below
**We also have opportunities for ‘somewhat presentable’ bodies; please scroll down**
The "Questionable Relationship"
The "Ninja"
The "Zoloft 125 mg"
The "Contraceptive"
The "Unborn"
The "Apocalypse"
The "No One Hears About this at the Office, Ken, I Mean No One"
Or perhaps you think you think you have what it takes to be a poncho model. If so, please send us two or more body shots in addition to your two or more headshots ****PLEASE NO NUDITY, WE ARE A FAMILY COMPANY****
Examples of past poncho model work is below
The "Handlebar Hero"
The "Mean Streets of Burlington Vermont"
The "Ruthless Shoveler -What Is That Guy Doing with the Flashlight"
The "Door-to-door TV Salesman"
The "Kute Kid Kape (KKK)"
The "Gigolo"
The "Lunchroom Target"
Compensation: $200 to $1000 for the day. Shoot compensation to be negotiated.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
You may have noticed a lack of me writing lately. I’ve been busy getting C’s in biology, interviewing for a fictional job, and shooting a movie with my friends for Campus Moviefest at my college. Here are some pictures; I’ll throw the movie on Youtube by Monday. I won’t tell you what it’s about yet so you might have to piece it together from the pictures…
Basically, they lent us an HD video camera, a MacBook Pro w/ iMovie and FinalCut (which is a mystery to me and I don’t intend to solve it), two new Samsung phones (which I’ve been using to buy ringtones, call people, and probably try to call my cousin in England), and a tripod. AND we can win prizes. They spoiled us. The movie can only be five minutes and we only get 6 days to complete it. Including editing. PHEW.
With all this excitement, I’ve pretty much blown off all my schoolwork, which is only Calculus problems – let’s face it, I go to a state school. It is what it is. :)
So I’ll post the full movie on Youtube by Sunday. Oh, it’s a comedy. Obviously.
If you have no money (like me), the best way to travel is to do resort work. Tons of resorts across the US and abroad need seasonal workers, and to attract us they offer sick benefits. At this job, we got to use powerboats for free and for as long as we wanted, we used wakeboards/waterskis/tubes/kayaks for free, we got a discount on the gas (which, split between 4 people ends up being $16 for an entire day of wakeboarding – basically free), and we got to go on tons of free employee trips to tourist spots. Oh, and housing was $50 a month, meals were Welfare-cheap, and they even gave us a free week on a houseboat if we finished out our contract. (I didn’t get to use mine because I live on the other side of the country.) This is the website that I and alot of other people have used to score jobs.
On that note, I’d like to begin showing off my next summer-job destination. Hopefully. They better love my application..
SUMMER 2009: THE NEXT FRONTIER
Washington state, you’re SO HOT right now. If I was a gentle but slow giant named Lennie and you were a mouse, I’d keep you in my pocket and stroke you. Don’t get the literary joke?:
I haven’t even BEEN to Washington, but the Internet is making it look so damn sexy. Lock the door, unzip your jeans, and check out this national park porn, sponsored by 1-800-RED-HOTT:
Her name is Olympic National Park. She loves stretching out naked on an empty beach.. with or without you. Dial 9 now to talk to her.
When Olympic National Park goes out with the girls, she’s fantasizing about you with your pants off. That’s her secret. Dial 9 now to talk to her.
She’sliving three separate lives. No one knows. Hear her secrets when you Dial 9 now to talk to Olympic National Park.
Have you been a bad boy? Olympic National Park wants to teach you a lesson. A lesson you won’t forget. Dial 9 now to talk to her.
1-800-RED-HOTT
“Where local girls go wild”
Now that I’ve gotten you all hot and bothered, let’s talk about Presidents.
It only makes sense that my boy Franklin Delano Roosevelt was the mastermind behind National Olympic Park. FACT: He was my favorite US President ever since I did a paper on him in the eleventh grade. You tha man, FDR. (IMO, Obama should ditch the $900 billion-dollar tax rebate crap and do what FDR did after the Depression – create a bunch of jobs with conservation projects.) <– That wasn’t very Escapist of me and I do apologize. Ish.
Lake Quinault Lodge is the place I hope to get a job at. They offer hiking, kayaking, fishing, and apparently the rest comes easy. Kind of like your mom.
I’ve also applied at Stehekin Landing Resort in Washington (equally sexy), Sequoia/Kings Canyon in Fresno, California, and I did a general application for all Aramark resorts including the one pictured above. Lake Tahoe would be my second choice. A couple friends of mine worked there and loved it.
To be blunt, remaining in Massachusetts over the summer pretty much guarantees unemployment. So I’m escaping. :) <–shameless plug
"And as the leaves begin to fall and my walks to class are almost unbearable, I feel as if it's only appropriate to want the most fashionable look to get me through those bitter cold days. ...Confession: I need a Baby Beard."
-Amanda Koldy
Want to be a sponsor? Or want to tell me about a product that is absolutely ridiculous? See my About Page for my contact info, Facebook and Twitter!
Escapism - A Humor Blog 
Recent Comments