Welcome to the JPEG edition of The Hangover. See if you can piece together the explosion that was this past weekend.
It’s that time of year again! The trees are turning orange, the air is brisk, and the Uggs are flying off the shelves. Yes, people, we have again entered state fair season.
Saturday night I paid $15 to get into The Big E, the biggest state fair in New England right in Western Mass. What I actually got was the chance to peace out on societal norms for a night. Breath of fresh air, it was. Smelled like sausage.
There is no other place where it is socially acceptable for a girl to shove three corndogs down her throat. (Well I’m sure there are some, I just haven’t been to them.) I watched as 15 year-old bastard children of carnies sadly dropped dough into vats of hot oil, struggling to earn their keep. A “M8K YOUR OWN SLUSH” cart failed to see the expansion of the 711 chain — but, paradoxically, people lined up all night to pay $5.95 for the same experience. My friends and I searched for 2 Girls 1 Cup on my cousin’s iPhone while standing in line for Fried Oreos — yet the thought of eating poop didn’t phase us when it came time to have an unofficial eating contest for the tasty, gooey-brown-center treats.
Children on leashes, hick-couples handing over a buck to see “The World’s Biggest Pig,” a Bear Funhouse which hopefully didn’t contain a live bear, a horse show which I still have NO idea what the purpose was, fat people mowing down on steak hoagies. At the end of the night, a large splatter of vomit on the pavement was the icing on the cake.
Good times, good people; Fall has officially begun.
Half the fun in people-watching is that you get to make fun of other people. The other half is having a good laugh at them.
Sometimes people don’t even need to be made fun of — they look ridiculous enough to provide an endless supply of natural laughter. These moments are magical and should be cherished with a best friend or grandmother. (I remember being little and sitting outside the Red Lobster eating french fries and vinegar with my grandmother, first experiencing the art of “People-Watching”; subtitled Talking Mad Shit About Strangers. Magical.
After a long day of shopping or a night spent battling The Spins, the easiest way to enjoy the benefits of People-Watching is to go for visuals. Talking Mad Shit about someone’s fanny pack is simpler than any other People-Watching tactic, such as Eavesdropping, doing The Foreign Film (watching two people from afar and dubbing in conversation), or watching out from behind a mirrored window (nose-pickers, pimple-poppers, women checking out their own asses). The following Fashion Faux Pas’s’ (?) are a few of my favorites to point out to a friend.
Disney sweatshirts in cities. I don’t care if it’s a tad chilly out and you forgot to pack your North Face fleece that you got on sale at Bob’s — Disney sweatshirts are never okay. If a bird shit on all your other clothes and there are no more Cheers Boston hoodies left in the entire city, at least consider carrying a gimp keychain and strapping a portable CD player to your hip to fool passersby into thinking that you’re attending a 90s Party.
Louis Vuitton Handbags. You’re wearing a tattoo-print baby tee and jewel-encrusted jeans. That giant LV-print handbag MUST be real.
Sneakers with suits. For some reason all women who ride public transportation met by candlelight in a hidden chamber and agreed that it is socially acceptable to take off their heels and ride the train home in massive white Keds. The humor gradient lightens a tad when the athletic footwear is more stylish or less boat-like, however the sneaker-suit combo is still fug. Why not substitute heels for a pair of ballet flats? Why not go barefoot? Why god, why?
White sunglasses. You look like a tool.
Tight Shirts. You didn’t just shop in the boy’s section of abercrombie to save money. Rather, you want us girls to see your remotely toned physique. Put on some white sunglasses while you’re at it to complete the look.
That’s all I can think of for now. Feel free to comment with some of your own favorites via WordPress or Facebook. Cheers to Saturday!