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10 Tips for Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

28 Oct

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
BBBBRRRRRAAAAIIIINNNNSSSS!

This post has been syndicated from ZombieZone.com.

zombie survival guideOkay, you may not have found that funny, but unfortunately it may be the new reality. Undisclosed sources say that Halloween 2010 will see the first zombie apocalypse.  BuyerZone wants you to be prepared!  Here are ten important tips that will help you stay alive until your local Zombie Removal & Extermination crew can come to the rescue.

  1. DON’T DIE: If this isn’t #1 on your list, then good luck. Are partially chewed-up people knocking at your door?  Don’t answer it! They are ZOMBIES and you, my friend, are walking, talking prime rib.  Zombies don’t talk, reason, or have any other functions besides eating.  So, STAY AWAY FROM THEIR MOUTHS!!!  Even if you aren’t devoured, a bite spreads the infection and is 100% deadly.  After about 24 hours, newly infected people die and rise to join the ranks of the undead.
  2. Kill Creatively: Guess who through a sniper scope. One might think that there are only so many ways to destroy the zombie brain.  Wrong!  Go into your shed, work room, or attic and find a sharp or blunt weapon. Use it to take your frustration out and split some zombie skulls!  With a friend?  Play a game.  Try guess who, but from a distance with a large caliber rifle.
  3. Play Time: Just because the world is ending doesn’t mean you can’t have fun. What is the point of being human if you can’t act it?  Take a break from killing creatively and play a game of Monopoly.  It will take your mind off the apocalypse …for awhile.
  4. Fitness: Lean, mean zombie-killing machine. If you can’t beat ‘em, practice running from them. Otherwise, you will be remembered as that aerobically-challenged member of the group who sacrificed himself so the others could escape.  When the apocalypse comes, cardio means everything. Weight training won’t make you look heroic as you lift a zombie over your head only to be devoured by the throngs of voracious zombies surrounding you.
  5. Hygiene: You don’t want to smell worse than they do. So, who knows how long you’ll be stuck wherever you are?  Prioritize the use of your water: set rations for drinking and cleaning yourself.  A week or two without a shower won’t kill anyone.  Also, long hair is a great way for a zombie to get a hold of you.  Sounds like crew cuts are in style!
  6. Food & Supplies: Shop before you drop…DEAD! A hungry survivor is a weak survivor.  Head to the nearest un-looted convenience store and grab as many non-perishables and bottles of water as you can. You don’t want to survive a zombie siege only to succumb to thirst and hunger.
  7. Attire: Does camo make your butt look big? Heels – lose them.  Burberry coat – useless.  In this fashion scenario, you don’t want to look like a ‘great catch.’  What you need are a good pair of boots and dark, earthy-colored clothes.  Form-fitted clothing is preferable for escaping the grasp of decaying hands.
  8. Home Sweet Home: Build your own warm, cozy fortress. Since zombies aren’t tactful or dexterous, they can be easy to outwit.  It may be possible to keep one out behind a door but don’t plan on leaning against it when a dozen zombies are trying to break through – that’s just cinematic suicide, as dozens of movies have shown. Instead, think height. Set up shop on the second floor or roof – but make sure to barricade or destroy your stairs so they can’t follow.
  9. On The Move: The ZTA – Zombie Transit AuthorityIgnore your impulses to jump into the nearest car. Cars need gas, and after the apocalypse, do you really think Shell will stay open?  Instead, steal a mountain bike and hit the trails.  Fast, quiet, and no gas required.
  10. Communication: Yes, without social media. No power, no computer, no Internet, and no phone networks.  If you’re fortunate enough to know Morse Code, you’re still probably out of luck.  It takes two for that tango.  The ideal communication device is a CB radio.  If all else fails, try a white board and a pair of binoculars.

Unless you’re an easy target, these tips should keep you alive and uninfected until trained zombie exterminators are able to reach your area.

Get your free Zombie Extermination price quotes today!

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CASTING CALL for Average/Disappointing Bodies

28 Jul

CASTING CALL — Males & Female Models ALL AGES — $200 to $1000/day (Burlington)

Date: 2010-07-25, 3:08PM PDT

Reply to: job-swjp-1979722@craigslist.org

We are a camping supply website seeking fresh faces to model our new product line.
Must have photogenic facial features; ‘average’ or ‘disappointing’ body is okay**
No experience necessary, please email two or more headshots to info@vtarmynavy.com
Examples of past model work wearing our past styles are below
**We also have opportunities for ‘somewhat presentable’ bodies; please scroll down**

awkward family

The "Questionable Relationship"

awkward

The "Ninja"

emo kid

The "Zoloft 125 mg"

awkward couple

The "Contraceptive"

the unborn

The "Unborn"

apocalypse

The "Apocalypse"

one time in college

The "No One Hears About this at the Office, Ken, I Mean No One"

Or perhaps you think you think you have what it takes to be a poncho model. If so, please send us two or more body shots in addition to your two or more headshots ****PLEASE NO NUDITY, WE ARE A FAMILY COMPANY****

Examples of past poncho model work is below

the handlebar hero

The "Handlebar Hero"

the mean streets

The "Mean Streets of Burlington Vermont"

ridiculous

The "Ruthless Shoveler -What Is That Guy Doing with the Flashlight"

funny

The "Door-to-door TV Salesman"

the kute kid kape

The "Kute Kid Kape (KKK)"

gigolo

The "Gigolo"

ugly jacket

The "Lunchroom Target"

  • Compensation: $200 to $1000 for the day. Shoot compensation to be negotiated.
  • Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
  • Please, no phone calls about this job!
  • Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

		

Space Travel Price Quotes

26 Jul

If you’re reading this, and you know who you are, it would be a mutually beneficial move on your part to hire me. Because really, who else would offer space travel price quotes on their website?

space travel

Just sayin’.

Awkward Valentine’s Day

14 Feb

Happy Valentine’s Day!

About a month ago, I found a really great website that allows anyone with an Internet connection to type in text, wait as the words go through a magical Internet machine, and marvel at their own personalized virtual candy heart. Yea, that part’s cool and all. But the best part of the website is that it shows a smattering of other peoples’ creations.

Here are my favorites. They’re awkward as fuck.

heart


Who needs face-t0-face confrontation when you can tell her that she’s a prude with a candy heart?



heart10


Okay that just makes me think of nieces in pieces, which makes me imagine ‘U’ dragging your nieces by the hair through the woods and hacking them to death with a machete. Happy Valentine’s Day.


heart11


Heart Skin must be a delicacy where you come from. Or, you’re planning on eating your girlfriend tonight. Either way, I’m concerned.


heart121

Hm. Seem to have “lost” all the ‘Luv Ya’ and ‘Fax Me’ hearts..

What I’m really trying to say is don’t ever call me.


heart5


Turn the u upside-down……..sounds crazy but it

might     just     work

Red lettering on black, yes, yes, it works, it really works……….


heart7


So dirty that I made you this e-candy heart on the Internet. SO DIRTY. Maybe tonight we can hook up the webcams and cyber.



heart161

Convert to Catholicism, TODAY!



heart17


Come on, I’ve always wanted to try it. Really? You’ll do it? – – I think you bend over and I do a C-shape with my arms and legs – – No not like that – – No that hurts – – OW MARTHA YOU’RE HURTING ME

Wait it was 69? GODDAMMIT

Here is the website.  Just keep hitting Refresh. I will probably spend tonight lurking the shit out of it, as I already celebrated Valentine’s Day with my own 83 partner on Thursday. (It was a two-occasion affair, being Lincoln’s birthday and all.)
On that note, GET LAID and DRIVE  SAFELY! (In that order.)

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