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How you, too, can be an Online Content Writer

29 Mar online content writer

A sarcastic and tongue-in-cheek look at the world of online content writing.

online content writer

Yes, THIS MEANS YOU!

Do you have a computer? Are you capable of forming sentences? Congratulations, you are now steps away from being an Online Content Writer! If you like what you see on sensational websites like The Huffington Post, Fox News, CopyBlogger, and the Boston Herald, here’s how you, too, can become an online content writer JUST LIKE THEM!

Part I: How to make it look like you know what you’re talking about

Formatting is the key to making it look like you know what you’re talking about. The trick is to liberally use bullet points and bold, numbered lists, italics, and underline. Write anything in this paragraph. No one is going to read it, because it’s too long, and there are bullet points in bold below that are shorter and can be read quicker. If there is a particular topic in mind that you would like to highlight such as daisy dukes are back in fashion but this time for men, you can bold it, and the eye will probably travel straight to that phrase, so really, the only word that matters in this paragraph is that phrase, and maybe the last sentence of this paragraph. Daisy dukes are back in fashion because

  • The weather is getting warmer
  • Men’s shorts are just too longto keep them cool
  • All of the celebrities are wearing them!

copyblogger gold

Youre MINUTES away from churning out pure gold like this

Part II: Copying and paraphrasing your content

Welcome to the second part of your article. This is your chance to truly shine as an online content writer. Prior to this moment, you had listed bullet points of your opinions. Here is the part where you support those opinions with rigorous, original research. Your job is to paraphrase that rigorous, original research, as seen below (and remember the golden rule of Online Content Writing — NEVER CREDIT THE SOURCE! Because you paraphrased it, the content is, naturally, YOUR MATERIAL.)

This summer, daisy dukes are the hottest trend on the Paris and Milan runways – but this time around, MEN are wearing them. Celebrities seen wearing these hot cutoffs include: Charlie Sheen, Justin Bieber, Justin Timberlake, and even Will Ferrell! You can buy the newest daisy dukes at Express for Men, H&M, and Target. (Or you can fashion your very own pair of daisy dukes by cutting the pants off of a pair of faded jeans.) With the way this trend has caught fire in Hollywood, it’s safe to say that daisy dukes are here to stay.

how to tie a shoelace

Preschoolers: The little-known eHow audience

…Or maybe you just don’t know what to write. If that’s the case, simply think of what people want, or problems they need to solve.  Don’t worry if you don’t know how to do these things, or how to solve their problems; you can always copy the things other people have written and paraphrase it without giving credit. Remember: YOU ARE THE EXPERT! How to find content that you can copy and paraphrase:

  1. Google
  2. eHow
  3. Wikipedia
  4. News articles
  5. Personal web pages written by actual experts
  6. Blogs
  7. Social media (Twitter, Facebook, etc.)
  8. Other ways!!!

Part III: Mastering the art of the title

You have now arrived at the single, most important part of being an online content writer (other than not crediting your sources, of course!). If it doesn’t have a good title, no one is going to read it. That means no one is going to click on the Adsense ads embedded in your page or fill out your affiliate form for Hotels Combined.

the ultimate title

Fear, check. Size 700 font, check. Blood-like font color, check. Dramatic picture, check. SUCCESS!!

In their titles, the masters of online content use: fear, accusation, suspense, and the old standby of “10 ways to…” So you’re writing about The Adverse Effects of Watching Television in Juveniles. (This is actually the title of a Popular Science article — which you are paraphrasing.) By using the techniques I mentioned, here are some great ways to spin that crusty old title into something that PUNCHES YOUR AUDIENCE IN THE FACE:

  • Fear: “Why Your Child Could Perish in 5 Years”
  • Accusation: “How You’re Killing Your Children”
  • Suspense: “The Household Object That is Slowly Murdering Each and Every One of your Children”
  • 10 Ways: “10 Ways your Child Could Die in your Own Home”

By now, you should feel very comfortable with using bulletpoints and bold, copying content and paraphrasing it, and writing effective titles. Make sure to summarize your entire article here at the bottom to make it easy for people who do not have the time to read your entire article. You are now officially an online writing expert – set up a Twitter account, Facebook page, write your new professional title in your email signature and LinkedIn profile, and get ready to share that content!

Special thanks to the thousands of online content writers, bloggers, Moms Who Work from Home, Online Marketing Gurus and various Web Marketing Affiliates who were the inspiration for this article. Shout-0ut to The Content Farm, another source of mockery of online content.

DIY Jacuzzi Hot Tub Fails

19 Nov

I work at a website which, among other things, helps people buy hot tubs. Along the way, I’ve learned a couple of things about hot tubs that I wish I never knew. Firstly, “hot tub girl” is the most searched for phrase in Google in relation to hot tubs in general. Second, I stumbled across a girl who killed her baby in a hot tub, possibly after skipping several important English classes. Thirdly, it seems that public Health class curriculum does not include Safe Hot Tub Sex, as quite a few people seem to be Googling the sh*t out of hot tubs and STDs.’ Lastly, in that typically American way, there seems to be much interest in the hot tub world for DIY hot tubs. Yes, there are actually people out there who make their pickup truck into a hot tub using a garden hose, engine exhaust, and a pinch of redneck. Which leads me to… the ten most epic DIY hot tub fails.

1. Equal ratio hot tub fail

hot tub party

2. Flammable synthetic material fail

hot tub fail

3. Redneck soup fail

redneck fail

4. Homeless fail

homeless fail

5. Cute girl fail

wooden hot tub

6. Supportive beam fail

epic hot tub fail

7. Sobriety fail

sobriety fail

8. Hot tub home fail

hot tub family fail

9. Match.com fail

Match.com fail

10. Threesome fail

Threesome fail

Kindly excuse me while I drop some free hot tub PR for the site I work for… Now git yer hot tub prices, ya hear?

Plane Crashes Into IRS Office in Austin, Texas

18 Feb

Being that it is tax season and the aircraft was a small one-man plane, if you do not see the irony in this you need to be

SHOT

Apparently the guy had tax problems and thought that the best possible way to end his financial troubles was to set his house on fire and fly his airplane into a government building. Please note that I will be forced to abandon all prior commitments when the poster-boy of logic and reasoning, Mr. Joe Stack, appears as a guest on The Colbert Report. You can Become a Fan of Joe Stack here.

10 of the Most Annoying Faces

22 Jan

10. Mario Lopez

  • Dimples. When a person has dimples, there is an inverse relationship of cuteness to frequency of smiling. The more frequently a person with dimples smiles, the less cute they appear. Other than the time A.C. Slater and Zach Morris fought, I don’t remember ever seeing Mario Lopez frown. Hence, a cute level of 0.
  • Perpetual tan. I’m Irish. You’re just making me jealous.

9. Perez Hilton

  • Unkempt eyebrows. You’re gay, you’re supposed to have that shit covered.
  • Falsies. Blue eyes are reserved for people that are intriguing and smart. Like me. You’re neither. Henceforth, those must be contacts.
  • Ironic smile. I’ll see your poor self-esteem and raise you a past unhealthy relationship with food.

8. Megan Fox

  • DSL
  • Dead eyes. Mostly affecting people with no intellect or talents. Don’t believe me? Go rent the Olsen Twins’ Holiday in the Sun and Lindsay Lohan’s Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen to see the real depth that Ms. Fox has put into her roles.

7. & 6. Heidi Montag (Pratt?) and Spencer Pratt

  • The blond beard and ‘stache. Not cute on anyone.
  • The wonders of science. Thank goodness for scientific discoveries. Without them, Heidi’s face, hair, and body as we know it wouldn’t exist.

5. Miley Cyrus

  • Self-explanatory

4. Ed Westwick

  • Nostrils. Do those things ever settle down?
  • Cheekbones crafted from the finest marble
  • Hair that’s better than mine

3. Justin Bieber

  • Baby face. Stop singing about girls and go build a tent-fort.

2. Lady Gaga

  • …Nothing exceptional going on here. Which must explain the ridiculous outfits they put you in.

taylor swift

1. Taylor Swift

  • Squinty eyes
  • Weird teeth
  • “Angry” eyebrows
  • Lips. Can you close them?!
  • Overall alien-resemblance

And there you have it. A thoroughly-researched, comprehensive list of today’s most annoying faces. I hope I haven’t hurt too many of your feelings, Interneters. Be gentle.

Is Etsy.com a Front for a Celebrity Clone Project?

9 Jan

Etsy.com has blown its cover. Once thought to be a retail space for handmade items, the public now has reason to believe that the website is an Internet-based government project focused on experimenting with the genes of once-famous celebrities.

Top authorities are now actively searching in the Beverly Hills area for a rumored ‘black market’ where local celebrities auction off their DNA for cold, hard cash. Authorities believe that unlicensed amateur scientists use the celebrities’ DNA to perform clone experiments, some of these clones ending up as models on Etsy.com.

The evidence below is what has recently been uncovered from Etsy.com.

Subject No. 1000328

Authorities have reason to believe Subject No. 1000328 has been derived from the DNA of

Corey Feldman.

Subject No. 1000746

Authorities have reason to believe that Subject No. 1000746  is an unfortunate result of the malicious DNA tampering of

Mickey Rooney

If you have any information on this crime, please contact Boston’s Fox News Tip Line at 1-888-411-TIPS.

“Multi-Purpose Solution”

19 Mar

Tonight, something in my medicine cabinet inspired me. And no, it wasn’t a bottle of painkillers. And no, I have none to sell you.*

Rather, it was a boring old bottle of Equate Multi-Purpose Solution, which one might infer is used for contact lenses. Then again, one might not infer that. One might take an entirely different thought process.

Ah, Multi-Purpose Solution. An incredibly vague title for a product that is apparently useful in many ways:

  • Chicken broth substitution
  • Sports drink
  • Steak marinade

Equate is Walmart’s generic brand. Almost all Equate products are vaguely labelled. They even seem kind of Engrish in a way. (Which leads me to believe that Walmart cut costs by outsourcing product development to Asian countries.) Onto their other products…


Yea, you try fitting your baby into this so-called “bath.” I did. It wasn’t pretty. Wait, don’t tell anyone I said that, okay? She died during childbirth. DIED. DURING. CHILDBIRTH.

Way to fuck around with the blind, Equate… You reeeeally had my grandfather’s hopes up.

Brody Jenner in a box? Wait, where does he fit all his pairs of white sunglasses and Bromantic boyfriends?

No but really, Equate, this one’s pretty insensitive. Imagine a poor young woman, forced to shop generic, and ignorant of the hazards of douching, placing this box onto the conveyor belt at Walmart. Dozens of eyes watch as she turns the color of a tomato. Nice.

Hey Equate, thanks for the c*ck tease. When I brought this home, I was expecting a cute little Harajuku girl to pop out of this box and begin rubbing me down. Nope, just a tube of some white crap. Again, THANKS. Guess it’s back to Craigslist Missed Connections…

*D.A.R.E.

Ode to The Short-Haired-Girl

7 Mar

short hair girl

Short-Haired-Girl, you have boldly chosen the road less traveled. Often mistaken for a lesbian, you alone hold the truth of your sexuality deep in your loins. In middle school, you’d hear the other girls whisper “Is that a boy or a girl?” And high school prom was quite the predicament, as short hair just doesn’t quite fit with a prom dress. So you didn’t go.

If they cut you, do you not bleed?

44554186_l

I have walked in your shoes, Short-Haired-Girl. I have listened to the heartfelt confessions of coworkers who thought that I was a Les solely because of my haircut. My ears have often been numb from being bare in the winter air. I have spent entire mornings lusting after my roommate’s hair elastics.

11262006001

Me

But I think we can both agree that it is all worth it. Hacking off my hair at 2 o’clock in the morning because I couldn’t sleep was liberating. For those few months I spent as a Short-Haired-Girl, my morning prep time was cut in half. There was also power in the ability to confuse others about my sexuality.

So Short-Haired-Girl, whether you like girls or not, you are beautiful. I have walked the road you travel every day. And I will think of you, Short-Haired-Girl, every time I get a bad haircut.

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