Tag Archives: movies

Being Paul Giamatti

9 Aug paul giamatti movie

Due to being unemployed, I’ve been sleeping in and experiencing really strange dreams. They’re the type of dreams that, crusty-eyed and trying to stagger past the small diapered child who follows me around — I’m renting a room from a family that has 3 kids — its exactly what you imagine it to be — I silently pat myself on the back for being capable of such weird yet coherent dreams.

In my latest dream, Paul Giamatti is starring in a movie in which he’s cunning and quick enough to escape the clutches of two faceless cops. I say “movie” because I was somehow aware during the dream that I was inside of a movie, and after the last scene ended, my brain told me to wake up.

paul giamatti movie

About halfway through the movie, I became Paul Giamatti. In one “scene” I shimmied on my stomach through a small, long wooden area. I looked down and saw, through the slats, that my two nemeses were also sliding on their stomachs below me, trying to catch up. There were meaningful glances and sweating.

We emerged all at the same time. I ran to a car and the next scene was all about driving around a parking lot trying to escape bullets and trying to not hit anyone in my way. I hit a lot of cars and knocked a lot of stuff over, but knew the audience would be all “Ohhhh, no he didn’t! Ahhh but I guess it’s okay, he needs to escape for the greater good.” I think I overestimate the emotions of my audience. Generally when I watch a high-intensity scene in an action movie, I end up thinking “ooh, who’s going to fix that bridge?” or “that was a lot of shrapnel, I hope that the resulting wounds of passerby do not cause someone to need to cross the bridge to get to the hospital, because they will likely bleed to death or drown trying to cross that river.”

Thoughts on Blake becoming the next Batman in the Dark Knight Rises

But I got caught. The two cops took me to the top of a grassy hill, where my entire extended family sat on picnic tables underneath a patio tent, eating peanut butter sandwiches. The cop that was escorting me opened the flap of the tent, and then somehow I escaped. Then I became Director again, and watched as Paul Giamatti got into a car, waved, and drove away on the dusty road. Then I woke up.

Looking back, it looks like my dream involved:

  • Paul Giamatti
  • parking lot
  • police
  • peanut butter
  • patio
  • picnic table

I’m not quite sure what that signifies. Maybe I should just stop watching Lost before going to sleep.

Me: This Year’s Made for TV Christmas Movie

15 Dec kill santa

Go ahead, sit back and relax with a bowl of Pop Secret. This Christmas, you won’t need to turn on your TV set to watch this year’s spectacular Christmas event. Because the way things are going, I am this year’s ABC Family Original Christmas Movie.

kill santa

Coming to theaters near you! Rated G

Siskel: “An unforgettable event”

Maybe you’re a bit unfamiliar with the concept of ABC Family Original Christmas movies. Let me help you out. For starters, starring in every ABC Family Christmas movie is a B-list TV actor on the downward slope of his or her career (such as Melissa Joan Hart and A.C. Slater in Holiday in Handcuffs). Each movie generally begins with a series of simply hilarious follies or mishaps such as leaving a perm in too long or having to run from the law because of a botched felony (Christmas Caper starring Shannen Doherty) — absolutely hilarious! The mishaps continue, at least two unrealistically matched people fall in love (Christina Milian and Chad Michael Murray in this year’s Christmas Cupid) and the family stops fighting to remember the true meaning of Christmas, etc. etc.

ice water

Upside: Didnt have to use ice in my ice water. Downside: Everything else

My Christmas Story begins in the wee hours of Thursday night, when a big pipe decided to become a deadbeat dad and neglect heating his entire family of apartment building pipes. (Or at least that’s how I see it, because the mechanics of hot water is Spanish to me.) Friday… Saturday… Sunday… Monday….. Tuesday night the hot water comes back on. What luck! Just in time for the worst day of the week!

Rewind to Saturday morning. I am sitting on my couch. My roommate Chad wakes up and comes out, telling me about a fight our other roommate picked with him last night. Chris (known inside my head as Loose Cannon Guy on The Real World) yells from his room that he’s coming out “to talk.” (Loose Cannon usually sleeps until 2pm most days — so this change in behavior leaves me scared). He busts into the living room zipping up his jeans and throws his finger in Chad’s face, using a certain N word in that special Texas way. Chad says nothing, and Chris goes back in his room. Chad and I start to clean up the kitchen. Chris barrels in again, this time appearing to quote directly from a poorly written screenplay about a disturbed youth. It was like watching a bad Real World audition tape.

Skip ahead to Monday. A series of Facebook messages and texts leaves me worried for two days that I might have to find another apartment in less than a month, and during the jolly, ever-so-warm Christmas season. Still no real update on this situation. I wait around for a landlord that never shows up (to address the hot water situation) and feel guilty for going in late to work, then arrive outside to find an orange Christmas card on the windshield of my car.

parking ticket

I hope a bird shit on you while you wrote this

After work on Tuesday, I head to the gym for my first real shower in 5 days. No, I do not put in a workout.

At home, I light a few candles in my room and go to wash my face for bed. I open my door to see flames shooting up from the poinsettia that is in a vase on my bookcase. It’s not even real poinsettia, so it’s not like the petals could have fallen off. Yes, I’m pretty sure I am being haunted by a Christmas ghost who wants to see me die in an ironic way. Luckily, I am able to smother the flames with an Ikea candle holder. They are useful in so many ways.

Poisonous, fragile, AND a fire hazard. What's the friggin POINT?

And so the story continues. I expect things to get increasingly worse over the next 11 days until Christmas (special thanks to Ebay for letting me know the countdown, assholes), with a final scene of me being on the street pushing a cart of bottles and cans like those Asians that I constantly grumble at for waking me up at night. And in case you were wondering about any potential love interests, I think it’s safe to say that my luck in that department will sally forth clear into the New Year.

Whoever did this trailer needs to change professions

4 Mar

The Company Men.

I vote that it should have been a commercial for natural male enhancement. Special thanks to Ben Affleck, Kevin Costner, Tommy Lee Jones, and Chris Cooper for making out with my home city of Boston and hucking the loogy you call The Company Men.

10 of the Most Annoying Faces

22 Jan

10. Mario Lopez

  • Dimples. When a person has dimples, there is an inverse relationship of cuteness to frequency of smiling. The more frequently a person with dimples smiles, the less cute they appear. Other than the time A.C. Slater and Zach Morris fought, I don’t remember ever seeing Mario Lopez frown. Hence, a cute level of 0.
  • Perpetual tan. I’m Irish. You’re just making me jealous.

9. Perez Hilton

  • Unkempt eyebrows. You’re gay, you’re supposed to have that shit covered.
  • Falsies. Blue eyes are reserved for people that are intriguing and smart. Like me. You’re neither. Henceforth, those must be contacts.
  • Ironic smile. I’ll see your poor self-esteem and raise you a past unhealthy relationship with food.

8. Megan Fox

  • DSL
  • Dead eyes. Mostly affecting people with no intellect or talents. Don’t believe me? Go rent the Olsen Twins’ Holiday in the Sun and Lindsay Lohan’s Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen to see the real depth that Ms. Fox has put into her roles.

7. & 6. Heidi Montag (Pratt?) and Spencer Pratt

  • The blond beard and ‘stache. Not cute on anyone.
  • The wonders of science. Thank goodness for scientific discoveries. Without them, Heidi’s face, hair, and body as we know it wouldn’t exist.

5. Miley Cyrus

  • Self-explanatory

4. Ed Westwick

  • Nostrils. Do those things ever settle down?
  • Cheekbones crafted from the finest marble
  • Hair that’s better than mine

3. Justin Bieber

  • Baby face. Stop singing about girls and go build a tent-fort.

2. Lady Gaga

  • …Nothing exceptional going on here. Which must explain the ridiculous outfits they put you in.

taylor swift

1. Taylor Swift

  • Squinty eyes
  • Weird teeth
  • “Angry” eyebrows
  • Lips. Can you close them?!
  • Overall alien-resemblance

And there you have it. A thoroughly-researched, comprehensive list of today’s most annoying faces. I hope I haven’t hurt too many of your feelings, Interneters. Be gentle.

Hannah Mantana: The Major Motion Picture

2 May

Here’s the full 5-minute comedy my friends and I made for Campus Moviefest. We won the AT&T mobile phone award (for using their phone in the movie in a creative way) and they’re showing our movie this weekend at an awards show in NYC.

Hannah Mantana: THE MOVIE

My plans for this weekend? Filming a local-style commercial at Walmart w/ my girls Megan and Katie. (“Welcome ta Walmaht, here we have ill-fitting clothes and Rubbermaid containers” etc).

Yours forever,
Samantha

Hannah Mantana: THE MOVIE

30 Mar

Here is the preview* for the comedy short that my friends and I made for Campus Moviefest:

*Sorry it’s not the whole thing – but we need everyone we can to come see our movie (and then vote for it to win) at Campus Moviefest.

Wednesday April 22nd – Bridgewater State College – Campus Center – 7:30pm

FREE

If we win we get to go to NYC for Regionals & win some siqq prizes!! HELP A SISTA OUT, YA? I officially invite you.

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