Tag Archives: police

Being Paul Giamatti

9 Aug paul giamatti movie

Due to being unemployed, I’ve been sleeping in and experiencing really strange dreams. They’re the type of dreams that, crusty-eyed and trying to stagger past the small diapered child who follows me around — I’m renting a room from a family that has 3 kids — its exactly what you imagine it to be — I silently pat myself on the back for being capable of such weird yet coherent dreams.

In my latest dream, Paul Giamatti is starring in a movie in which he’s cunning and quick enough to escape the clutches of two faceless cops. I say “movie” because I was somehow aware during the dream that I was inside of a movie, and after the last scene ended, my brain told me to wake up.

paul giamatti movie

About halfway through the movie, I became Paul Giamatti. In one “scene” I shimmied on my stomach through a small, long wooden area. I looked down and saw, through the slats, that my two nemeses were also sliding on their stomachs below me, trying to catch up. There were meaningful glances and sweating.

We emerged all at the same time. I ran to a car and the next scene was all about driving around a parking lot trying to escape bullets and trying to not hit anyone in my way. I hit a lot of cars and knocked a lot of stuff over, but knew the audience would be all “Ohhhh, no he didn’t! Ahhh but I guess it’s okay, he needs to escape for the greater good.” I think I overestimate the emotions of my audience. Generally when I watch a high-intensity scene in an action movie, I end up thinking “ooh, who’s going to fix that bridge?” or “that was a lot of shrapnel, I hope that the resulting wounds of passerby do not cause someone to need to cross the bridge to get to the hospital, because they will likely bleed to death or drown trying to cross that river.”

Thoughts on Blake becoming the next Batman in the Dark Knight Rises

But I got caught. The two cops took me to the top of a grassy hill, where my entire extended family sat on picnic tables underneath a patio tent, eating peanut butter sandwiches. The cop that was escorting me opened the flap of the tent, and then somehow I escaped. Then I became Director again, and watched as Paul Giamatti got into a car, waved, and drove away on the dusty road. Then I woke up.

Looking back, it looks like my dream involved:

  • Paul Giamatti
  • parking lot
  • police
  • peanut butter
  • patio
  • picnic table

I’m not quite sure what that signifies. Maybe I should just stop watching Lost before going to sleep.

Ode to Our Friendly Car Vandal

11 May
car vandal

That hooded sweatshirt really becomes you.

Car Vandal, you are an integral part of Boston culture. I do not care to imagine what our humble city would be like without you. Without you, our crime headlines would be nothing more than reports of bank robberies and suspicious activity in Lynn.

Without you, dear Car Vandal, what would we do in our homes between the hours of 4 and 8pm, when most car vandalisms occur? Piece of mind is highly overrated, and also, for losers. We need fear to keep us alive.

And look, some of my favorite Tweets from @Boston_Police are about you!

boston police tweet

And who even WANTS to be on the list of Top 10 Safest Cities? More like ‘Top 10 Lamest Cities.’ No city has ever gained notoriety by being deemed “safe.” “Safe” cities don’t become the backdrop of major biopics about the rise of a game-changing white rapper, OR get featured in Chrysler Superbowl ads. Safety is for losers.

Lose one car vandal, lose onself, lose all.

boston

"Is it 4-8pm yet?"

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