Tag Archives: Christmas

10 Things No One Gave a Shit About in 2010

28 Dec

What with the BP disaster, Chilean miners, Wikileaks, the Craigslist Killer Lifetime Movie and everything else that was important in 2010 getting a second wind of exposure, I’ve decided to put out my own list of Top 10 in 2010. It’s time to shine a light on those things that had no influence over anyone in 2010.

10. Poor hamburger phone connectivity

hamburger phone

I’m tired of all these wireless providers getting all the attention. I’m having a serious hamburger phone connectivity issue here! I can’t make outgoing calls, I can’t get incoming calls, and anytime I hear dialtone it sounds like an orca whale and a fire alarm are mating on the other end of the line. I do not appreciate prank calls, Hamburger Phone Network! If you had a Twitter account, I would not hesitate to Direct Message the shit out of your interns!

9. Rhett Akers’ basement videos

Rhett Akers is on the fast track to Internet Stardom with his Youtube videos, filmed in what appears to be the basement apartment of his parents’ house. And there’s more where that came from, ladies — follow @RhettAkers on Twitter for some more guitar/shirtless action! Red hot!

*If you’re insinuating that I found Rhett Candy by chance today, you are correct

8. Maatia Toafa is elected Prime Minister of Tuvalu

I know what you’re thinking. Tuvalu? Why didn’t this make headlines?!! Well, it’s likely that the news was slightly overshadowed by the record-setting billion-dollar campaign ad expenditures on the other side of the world.

7. Knitting with Dog Hair trend takes off

knitting with dog hair
Meredith Biggelsworth and son

Largely spurred by the 1997 publication of Knitting with Dog Hair: Better a Sweater from a Dog You Know Than from a Sheep You’ll Never Meet, the knitting with dog hair trend reached a pivotal point in 2010, with one final influx of midwestern stay-at-home-moms to the Internet. It was a historical day for the cult phenomenon when on November 23, 2010, 7 total pictures were uploaded to Twitter since 1997.* Says Anne Montgomery, author of KWDH,

“Buster passed on January 12, 1994. It was a painful time for me, as it was right after the holidays and I was also going through a separation period from my now ex-husband. I looked around the house and the solution was right there in front of me. I gathered up Buster’s fur, picked up my knitting needles, and began working away. Now I can have Buster close to my heart whenever I need him.”

Montgomery is currently working on a guide to making jewelry out of hamster feces.

*Source: Twitter Trends

6. How many times I wore these socks

socks

To estimate the number of times I wore these socks in 2010, I will multiply their level of softness by the approximate coldness of my apartment floor, divided by the number of pairs of other socks that I own, minus two days (days I have owned these equally warm slippers, thanks Mom), equals 17.6. I think it’s safe to say that they’ve paid for themselves!

5. It became okay to abort a twin

zach and codyWhat would the world be like if selective reduction had been around for the first trimester of Zach and Cody?* I do not care to imagine such a dark place… I remember exactly where I was when I read the editorial about selective reduction in the back of Elle Magazine. I don’t even know why I began reading the story, I tend to ignore all text in that magazine because it’s usually nonsense written by girls who have cotton balls for brains. Anyway. It was a story about a woman that found out she was pregnant with twins, and was considering the option of aborting one of them. Spoiler alert: she goes for it. Now, I’m fairly open-minded and have a range of liberal views (if you get my gist), but I was shocked, disgusted, and frankly, scared when I reached the end of the story. Regardless of what a parent may say, one way or another, the kid is going to grow up and find out that they should have had a brother or sister. Cue emotional destruction, stage one. What’s weird is that selective reduction is nothing new, the procedure was developed in the 1980s, but it’s becoming more popular. I give it 10 years to further unfold into a Brave New World dystopian scenario.

*It was around, just not popular yet.

4. Spanky resurfaces

spankyRemember the 90s Little Rascals movie, and that kid Spanky who was soooo cute? … That is all.

3. I slept with a bunny

bunny

2. MOBA acquires its newest piece

bad art

Hollywood Lips is about one woman’s inner battle between light and dark, partially owed to the fact that she resembles a palm tree and has weird, angry eyes. Kids can be cruel.

1. This roll of tape ran out

tape

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Me: This Year’s Made for TV Christmas Movie

15 Dec kill santa

Go ahead, sit back and relax with a bowl of Pop Secret. This Christmas, you won’t need to turn on your TV set to watch this year’s spectacular Christmas event. Because the way things are going, I am this year’s ABC Family Original Christmas Movie.

kill santa

Coming to theaters near you! Rated G

Siskel: “An unforgettable event”

Maybe you’re a bit unfamiliar with the concept of ABC Family Original Christmas movies. Let me help you out. For starters, starring in every ABC Family Christmas movie is a B-list TV actor on the downward slope of his or her career (such as Melissa Joan Hart and A.C. Slater in Holiday in Handcuffs). Each movie generally begins with a series of simply hilarious follies or mishaps such as leaving a perm in too long or having to run from the law because of a botched felony (Christmas Caper starring Shannen Doherty) — absolutely hilarious! The mishaps continue, at least two unrealistically matched people fall in love (Christina Milian and Chad Michael Murray in this year’s Christmas Cupid) and the family stops fighting to remember the true meaning of Christmas, etc. etc.

ice water

Upside: Didnt have to use ice in my ice water. Downside: Everything else

My Christmas Story begins in the wee hours of Thursday night, when a big pipe decided to become a deadbeat dad and neglect heating his entire family of apartment building pipes. (Or at least that’s how I see it, because the mechanics of hot water is Spanish to me.) Friday… Saturday… Sunday… Monday….. Tuesday night the hot water comes back on. What luck! Just in time for the worst day of the week!

Rewind to Saturday morning. I am sitting on my couch. My roommate Chad wakes up and comes out, telling me about a fight our other roommate picked with him last night. Chris (known inside my head as Loose Cannon Guy on The Real World) yells from his room that he’s coming out “to talk.” (Loose Cannon usually sleeps until 2pm most days — so this change in behavior leaves me scared). He busts into the living room zipping up his jeans and throws his finger in Chad’s face, using a certain N word in that special Texas way. Chad says nothing, and Chris goes back in his room. Chad and I start to clean up the kitchen. Chris barrels in again, this time appearing to quote directly from a poorly written screenplay about a disturbed youth. It was like watching a bad Real World audition tape.

Skip ahead to Monday. A series of Facebook messages and texts leaves me worried for two days that I might have to find another apartment in less than a month, and during the jolly, ever-so-warm Christmas season. Still no real update on this situation. I wait around for a landlord that never shows up (to address the hot water situation) and feel guilty for going in late to work, then arrive outside to find an orange Christmas card on the windshield of my car.

parking ticket

I hope a bird shit on you while you wrote this

After work on Tuesday, I head to the gym for my first real shower in 5 days. No, I do not put in a workout.

At home, I light a few candles in my room and go to wash my face for bed. I open my door to see flames shooting up from the poinsettia that is in a vase on my bookcase. It’s not even real poinsettia, so it’s not like the petals could have fallen off. Yes, I’m pretty sure I am being haunted by a Christmas ghost who wants to see me die in an ironic way. Luckily, I am able to smother the flames with an Ikea candle holder. They are useful in so many ways.

Poisonous, fragile, AND a fire hazard. What's the friggin POINT?

And so the story continues. I expect things to get increasingly worse over the next 11 days until Christmas (special thanks to Ebay for letting me know the countdown, assholes), with a final scene of me being on the street pushing a cart of bottles and cans like those Asians that I constantly grumble at for waking me up at night. And in case you were wondering about any potential love interests, I think it’s safe to say that my luck in that department will sally forth clear into the New Year.

Happy Holidays from the Christmas Tree Shoppes! (ish)

27 Nov

My friends and I made another movie in the holiday spirit. It’s pretty much a sequel to last summer’s Welcome to Walmart. Enjoy!

Happy holidays from Girls with Guns Productions!

Cheap Christmas Gift Ideas: Pregnancy Tests and More!

7 Nov

Here we are again at that magical time of year when the mall has mandated with its decor that October 31st is the perfect time to start thinking about Christmas shopping. But in these tough economic times, do we really have the money like we did last year to buy Uncle Harry that wireless talking meat thermometer from The Sharper Image? Definitely not. (And if we do have the money, we’re putting it towards a foreclosed shack on the beach that just got $8000 cheaper.)

I have had my share of poor Christmases. One Christmas, when I was 16, I bought my best friend a cardboard cut-out of Gollum from Lord of the Rings. She never actually saw the movie. Still, this Christmas is going to be the most epic of poor Christmases because everyone else is poor too. Maybe we’ll have one of those The Grinch Who Stole Christmas -Christmases, you know, minus the part where a grinch steals all the gifts, but keeping the part where everyone decides at the end that they love each other and that Christmas gifts really don’t matter. Which is so untrue. I keep a hierarchy of friendships based purely upon how much each person spends on me for Christmas. Note: Katie, you’re in the danger zone. Better step it up.

Enter: My solution to end your empty wallet woes this holly-jolly season. A list of home-grown Christmas ideas with most items found at your local Family Dollar, or at most retail plazas on suburban bus routes, because you had to sell your car.

For the Teenage Girl in Your Life

First off, I hope you’re not a 52 year-old man. If you are, hopefully this teenage girl is your daughter or niece. That being said, let’s move on. I envision a gift basket. Contents may include

  • a pregnancy test, $3.99 at FamilyDollar.com. If you’re her Dad, this means you can kill two birds with one stone by avoiding that uncomfortable sex talk, and give her a practical Christmas gift that she or one of her hysterically crying friends will find useful.
  • Bag of Hershey kisses, discounted to $1.00 during post-Halloween sale at Rite Aid. When her boyfriend dumps her for not giving it up at the prom, the chocolate will be waiting faithfully at home.
  • Proactiv free trial. Warning: Remove from gift basket should said teenage girl have PMS. You might wind up dead. But your heart is in the right place.

For the Hypochondriac in Your Life

For him or her, these must be really scary times. Put them at ease with your homemade H1N1 Prevention Kit.

  • A free trial subscription to Netflix. The third grader who wrote this eHow article on Swine flu prevention recommends avoiding large public gatherings. Your little friend is going to be spending a lot of time alone watching romantic comedies.
  • A personalized face mask, $3.00. Go wild with the googly eyes and glitter pens.
  • Wall of the United States with box of red and black pins, $10.00. They can create their own personal version of the real-time map of H1N1 infections across the United States. It’s like a game of pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey with a fatal twist. And practical, too. They can be reminded every second of every day of the impending pandemic.

h1n1

  • 3 bottles of Robitussin Cough Medicine. If things really get tough — you know, if they actually become one of those red little Game of Life -looking markers on the above map, at least they can throw three sheets to the wind and go Robo-trippin like that 14 year-old kid on Intervention.

For that person you hate but are obliged to give a Christmas gift to

A coworker, your boss, your boyfriend’s mother, the opportunities are endless. Go with this list of Gifts that Save Money, subtitled “Practical Gifts that You Wouldn’t Enjoy Receiving but You Would Like to Burden On Someone Else” / “Blatant Regifts Such that the Receivee Recognizes the Blatant Regiftedness.” Examples of suggested gifts include a Brita water filter and reusable shopping bags.

I hope you enjoy assembling these gifts for the loved and hated ones in your life. Requests for future gift ideas are more than welcome!

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