Tag Archives: actors

Being Paul Giamatti

9 Aug paul giamatti movie

Due to being unemployed, I’ve been sleeping in and experiencing really strange dreams. They’re the type of dreams that, crusty-eyed and trying to stagger past the small diapered child who follows me around — I’m renting a room from a family that has 3 kids — its exactly what you imagine it to be — I silently pat myself on the back for being capable of such weird yet coherent dreams.

In my latest dream, Paul Giamatti is starring in a movie in which he’s cunning and quick enough to escape the clutches of two faceless cops. I say “movie” because I was somehow aware during the dream that I was inside of a movie, and after the last scene ended, my brain told me to wake up.

paul giamatti movie

About halfway through the movie, I became Paul Giamatti. In one “scene” I shimmied on my stomach through a small, long wooden area. I looked down and saw, through the slats, that my two nemeses were also sliding on their stomachs below me, trying to catch up. There were meaningful glances and sweating.

We emerged all at the same time. I ran to a car and the next scene was all about driving around a parking lot trying to escape bullets and trying to not hit anyone in my way. I hit a lot of cars and knocked a lot of stuff over, but knew the audience would be all “Ohhhh, no he didn’t! Ahhh but I guess it’s okay, he needs to escape for the greater good.” I think I overestimate the emotions of my audience. Generally when I watch a high-intensity scene in an action movie, I end up thinking “ooh, who’s going to fix that bridge?” or “that was a lot of shrapnel, I hope that the resulting wounds of passerby do not cause someone to need to cross the bridge to get to the hospital, because they will likely bleed to death or drown trying to cross that river.”

Thoughts on Blake becoming the next Batman in the Dark Knight Rises

But I got caught. The two cops took me to the top of a grassy hill, where my entire extended family sat on picnic tables underneath a patio tent, eating peanut butter sandwiches. The cop that was escorting me opened the flap of the tent, and then somehow I escaped. Then I became Director again, and watched as Paul Giamatti got into a car, waved, and drove away on the dusty road. Then I woke up.

Looking back, it looks like my dream involved:

  • Paul Giamatti
  • parking lot
  • police
  • peanut butter
  • patio
  • picnic table

I’m not quite sure what that signifies. Maybe I should just stop watching Lost before going to sleep.


10 of the Most Annoying Faces

22 Jan

10. Mario Lopez

  • Dimples. When a person has dimples, there is an inverse relationship of cuteness to frequency of smiling. The more frequently a person with dimples smiles, the less cute they appear. Other than the time A.C. Slater and Zach Morris fought, I don’t remember ever seeing Mario Lopez frown. Hence, a cute level of 0.
  • Perpetual tan. I’m Irish. You’re just making me jealous.

9. Perez Hilton

  • Unkempt eyebrows. You’re gay, you’re supposed to have that shit covered.
  • Falsies. Blue eyes are reserved for people that are intriguing and smart. Like me. You’re neither. Henceforth, those must be contacts.
  • Ironic smile. I’ll see your poor self-esteem and raise you a past unhealthy relationship with food.

8. Megan Fox

  • DSL
  • Dead eyes. Mostly affecting people with no intellect or talents. Don’t believe me? Go rent the Olsen Twins’ Holiday in the Sun and Lindsay Lohan’s Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen to see the real depth that Ms. Fox has put into her roles.

7. & 6. Heidi Montag (Pratt?) and Spencer Pratt

  • The blond beard and ‘stache. Not cute on anyone.
  • The wonders of science. Thank goodness for scientific discoveries. Without them, Heidi’s face, hair, and body as we know it wouldn’t exist.

5. Miley Cyrus

  • Self-explanatory

4. Ed Westwick

  • Nostrils. Do those things ever settle down?
  • Cheekbones crafted from the finest marble
  • Hair that’s better than mine

3. Justin Bieber

  • Baby face. Stop singing about girls and go build a tent-fort.

2. Lady Gaga

  • …Nothing exceptional going on here. Which must explain the ridiculous outfits they put you in.

taylor swift

1. Taylor Swift

  • Squinty eyes
  • Weird teeth
  • “Angry” eyebrows
  • Lips. Can you close them?!
  • Overall alien-resemblance

And there you have it. A thoroughly-researched, comprehensive list of today’s most annoying faces. I hope I haven’t hurt too many of your feelings, Interneters. Be gentle.

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