Ode to Our Friendly Car Vandal

That hooded sweatshirt really becomes you.

Car Vandal, you are an integral part of Boston culture. I do not care to imagine what our humble city would be like without you. Without you, our crime headlines would be nothing more than reports of bank robberies and suspicious activity in Lynn.

Without you, dear Car Vandal, what would we do in our homes between the hours of 4 and 8pm, when most car vandalisms occur? Piece of mind is highly overrated, and also, for losers. We need fear to keep us alive.

And look, some of my favorite Tweets from @Boston_Police are about you!

And who even WANTS to be on the list of Top 10 Safest Cities? More like ‘Top 10 Lamest Cities.’ No city has ever gained notoriety by being deemed “safe.” “Safe” cities don’t become the backdrop of major biopics about the rise of a game-changing white rapper, OR get featured in Chrysler Superbowl ads. Safety is for losers.

Lose one car vandal, lose onself, lose all.

"Is it 4-8pm yet?"