Tag Archives: crime

Ode to Our Friendly Car Vandal

11 May
car vandal

That hooded sweatshirt really becomes you.

Car Vandal, you are an integral part of Boston culture. I do not care to imagine what our humble city would be like without you. Without you, our crime headlines would be nothing more than reports of bank robberies and suspicious activity in Lynn.

Without you, dear Car Vandal, what would we do in our homes between the hours of 4 and 8pm, when most car vandalisms occur? Piece of mind is highly overrated, and also, for losers. We need fear to keep us alive.

And look, some of my favorite Tweets from @Boston_Police are about you!

boston police tweet

And who even WANTS to be on the list of Top 10 Safest Cities? More like ‘Top 10 Lamest Cities.’ No city has ever gained notoriety by being deemed “safe.” “Safe” cities don’t become the backdrop of major biopics about the rise of a game-changing white rapper, OR get featured in Chrysler Superbowl ads. Safety is for losers.

Lose one car vandal, lose onself, lose all.


"Is it 4-8pm yet?"


Vicious Criminal on the Run

8 Apr


APRIL 8th, 2009 New Haven, CONNECTICUT Police have released this likeness of Stick Stickley, 21, who fled the scene after allegedly assaulting his pregnant 15 year-old girlfriend, whose name has been undisclosed for privacy.

Mr. Stickley was last seen at about 7:30 pm on Tuesday night. A witness to the crime, Chalky Studebaker, 28, described the violent scene that he watched from his front porch:

“There was yelling, she was crying, she covered her face, and he kicked her in the stomach, over, and over, and over… it was horrible. The worst part is, he was smiling the entire time. I’ll never erase that vicious grin from my mind…”

After performing a search at his former address, authorities have concluded that Mr. Stickley is in possession of his deceased father’s 9mm handgun.

Police are requesting that anyone with information on the whereabouts of Stick Stickley come forward.

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