Tag Archives: relationships

Sometimes, judging can come in handy

6 Aug

I overheard a pack of girls talking behind me today.

“He goes, ‘I will pay you five thousand dollars to spend the night with me.’ and she was like ‘Ew, no, you’re the ShamWow guy.’ “

This happened on my way down to the beach at Horsetooth Reservoir outside of Fort Collins, Colorado, which is about 20 minutes from where I now live as of 4 days ago. ..More on that later.


It got me thinking about this ShamWow guy. I’m sure you know who he is; the guy seems to have a neck-craning tendency along with just having a troublesome face in general, plus those eyebrows. I’m guessing he was probably the kid who sat in the middle of his seventh grade class drawing unicorns while all of the cool kids sat in the back flinging spitty pieces of paper at the back of his neck, which actually might explain the craned neck tendency.


Anyway, I thought to myself, “It’s really no surprise that Mr. ShamWow tried to bribe a 20-something girl from Colorado into having sex with him. He kind of looks like a d*ck, and probably has a lot of free time on his hands outside of filming ShamWow commercials in which to bribe young girls and snort cocaine.”

At that moment, I learned something about myself: I am a seriously judgmental motherf*cker. I’m not sure exactly when I became like this, but it may have started the day that I got punched by a drunk homeless guy while I was waiting for the bus at a train station. We had been “talking” about his radio (he had been sputtering on about “FM” and “radio”) and I got tired of saying “What? I can’t really understand you” when I guess he got mad and decided to take it out on my face. I stood up and yelled “WHY DID YOU DO THAT,” ran inside and started crying like a baby… he staggered across the highway towards the Motel 6 while I sat in the back of the police car, still crying.

After that, I no longer bought candy bars for smelly people standing outside of 7-11’s, or made eye contact with kids my age sitting on a sidewalk with a dog and a cardboard sign. Basically, drunken radio-man made me assume that all homeless people were threats that should be avoided.

Due to being brainwashed by Catholic high school, it’s always been in the back of my mind that judging people is BAD. It’s just something that stuck around because maybe I agreed with it as a moral thing rather than a religious teaching. (Please note that I’ve been an atheist since about 10th grade).


But sometimes judging can come in handy. Like when you want to determine whether someone is white trash, you can use these visual cues:

white trash

I’ve been known to attend white trash parties

White Trash Checklist

Clothing: Bud Light/Coors Light swag, sleeveless tee-shirt, denim carpenter shorts positioned low on the hips, bikini top + cutoffs when 20+ miles outside of swimming areas

Accessories: Wallet chain, cigarette behind ear, hunting hat, Sketchers sneakers, Busch Light can, bicep tattoo or tramp stamp, belly button piercing + overweight, “sport” sunglasses

Activities: Feeding soda to children, listening to Creed, buying cigarello’s at Tedeschi’s, referring to a cigarette as a “butt”, hanging out at Wendy’s

Or if you want to know whether someone will make a good boyfriend or girlfriend:

Problematic Significant Other Checklist

Activities: Recycles stuffed animals from past relationships for new relationships, works part-time, fights with parent(s) in front of you, lives with parents

(Unfortunately, I formed these assumptions AFTER breaking up with the guy that helped me form them.. so they came a bit too late. But they’re definitely useful for the future.)

So… I don’t feel so bad about being judgmental anymore. After reflecting, most of my judgments are actually keeping me safer by helping me avoid punches in the face, white trash, and unappealing boyfriends. And that’s just fine with me.


7 Easy Ways to Deter Females

30 Aug

My horoscope should have informed me that the month of August would be chock full of vomit-inducing interactions with guys. From this month’s epic fails in opposite sex interaction, I’ve created a list of 10 easy ways to deter females.

1. Barbecue sauce on your white undershirt while you’re talking to me


stop turning me on.

Inherent to the very word itself, an “undershirt” was designed to function as a buffer for your sweaty skin and another shirt. The undershirt lies in no-man’s-land, free to collect its heart’s desire of yellow armpit triangles and B.O. Although I applaud the comfort you have with your potato-like upper body, your skewed body image does not make it publicly acceptable to walk around my neighborhood (or “bike” your dog — see number 3) in your barbecue-sauce stained undershirt.

2. Watershoes


3. Unabashed laziness

If you can’t muster up the energy to get off your ass and walk your dog, you probably shouldn’t have a dog. No, “biking” your dog does not make you look athletic, regardless of your expensive Trek mountain bike. It just makes you look like a lazy shit. Your Alaskan Huskie probably doesn’t appreciate being choked either.

4. Cartoon boxer shorts

Maybe I’m old-fashioned but I don’t want to feel like I’m dating a five year-old.

guiliana rancic

My bones just turned to ice

5. Bragging to make up for shortcomings

“SHOULD I GET THE BOOZE FOR THE BOAT OR ARE YOU GOING TO?” Me, the other girls at CVS buying magazines for the beach, and Ethel at the counter could really care less about what you and your Bosley Hair Transplant candidate friends are doing this afternoon. Knowing someone who has a boat is not going to hide the fact that you’re twice our age and you’re a lumbering giant with a face as unsettling as Giuliana Rancic.

6. Failure to detect passive-aggressive rejection

You’re my sister’s friend’s brother or that nerdy kid in high school no one ever talked to. Me choosing to “Ignore” such a Facebook Friend Request would present a slew of tentative Jersey Shore -like social situations — so I accepted you. It’s a Tuesday night. You message me on Facebook Chat. The conversation is dull, and I sign off without saying bye. On Thursday night you message me again and I ignore it. Eighteen ignores later…

7. Not holding open the door for me

No clever descriptive paragraph for this one — it’s self-evident.

Moral of the story — plenty of fish in the sea, too few Great White sharks.

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