Tag Archives: cnn

I have no problem with Rich Kids of Instagram

18 Aug

rich kids of instagram in front of mansion

Rich Kids of Instagram. I found out about this Tumblr on my Facebook newsfeed the other day, posted by one person who didn’t have anything to say about it, and another who commented with “Class warfare.. it’s real.”

Barf.

So what’s the media saying about the Rich Kids of Instagram?

I think there was a shortage of fear-mongering social media news stories this week, so TODAY Moms had to spin this Tumblr blog into a public service announcement for “keeping kids safe on the Internet.” Just to add to the stack of 5,345,320,220 other articles that have been written about it since the dawn of AOL under 13 chat rooms.

The Atlantic nailed it by saying that we’re ALL narcissistic assholes on social media, so please, stop pointing fingers at the trust fund kids. They just want to have fun. And post high exposure pictures about it.

CNN quoted this guy as being representative of “disgust and anger”:

when I actually see it as a socially acceptable statement interrupted by an abrupt admission of envy. A+ for honesty!

People, people. We all saw the movie Blank Check in the 90s. Or at least I’m going to assume you did.

blank check 90s movie

This was a movie about an 11 year-old kid who got a blank check in the mail from his senile grandma, told his parents, and they told him to write in $5 or something lame like that. …..Parents. Shortly after, the kid somehow comes upon another blank check and this time around has learned that factoring parents into the equation = no fun. So he fills in “$1,000,000,” takes it to the bank, and cashes it. Then he buys a mansion and fills it up with 1,000 gigantic inflatable pool toys and race cars and such. He swims in cash; that’s all I remember about the movie, other than that he probably got caught in the end and gave back all the money.

And you LOVED that movie as a kid, didn’t you? Don’t deny it.

When that skinny 11 year old kid told his butler to get him another chocolate milk from the seat of his Star Trek inflatable captain’s chair in his in-ground pool, you were dying inside. Because you knew you’d be going to sleep tonight in your ordinary middle-class bunk bed and not a gold-plated race car. You hated your parents for not having offshore accounts and make up for their 80-hour workweeks by buying you tons of awesome shit.

You might hate to admit it, but you haven’t changed much since then. Sure, you might be “the 99%”, Democrat-registered, and owner of a minivan in a small suburb south of the city, but let’s get serious. If a couple million dollars suddenly appeared on your doorstep, you’d have no problem Tweeting about it. Same reason you expect a bonus each year in your paycheck, along with a raise. Everyone’s pursuing their own American Dream, give or take a few zero’s. Just sayin.

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10 Things No One Gave a Shit About in 2010

28 Dec

What with the BP disaster, Chilean miners, Wikileaks, the Craigslist Killer Lifetime Movie and everything else that was important in 2010 getting a second wind of exposure, I’ve decided to put out my own list of Top 10 in 2010. It’s time to shine a light on those things that had no influence over anyone in 2010.

10. Poor hamburger phone connectivity

hamburger phone

I’m tired of all these wireless providers getting all the attention. I’m having a serious hamburger phone connectivity issue here! I can’t make outgoing calls, I can’t get incoming calls, and anytime I hear dialtone it sounds like an orca whale and a fire alarm are mating on the other end of the line. I do not appreciate prank calls, Hamburger Phone Network! If you had a Twitter account, I would not hesitate to Direct Message the shit out of your interns!

9. Rhett Akers’ basement videos

Rhett Akers is on the fast track to Internet Stardom with his Youtube videos, filmed in what appears to be the basement apartment of his parents’ house. And there’s more where that came from, ladies — follow @RhettAkers on Twitter for some more guitar/shirtless action! Red hot!

*If you’re insinuating that I found Rhett Candy by chance today, you are correct

8. Maatia Toafa is elected Prime Minister of Tuvalu

I know what you’re thinking. Tuvalu? Why didn’t this make headlines?!! Well, it’s likely that the news was slightly overshadowed by the record-setting billion-dollar campaign ad expenditures on the other side of the world.

7. Knitting with Dog Hair trend takes off

knitting with dog hair
Meredith Biggelsworth and son

Largely spurred by the 1997 publication of Knitting with Dog Hair: Better a Sweater from a Dog You Know Than from a Sheep You’ll Never Meet, the knitting with dog hair trend reached a pivotal point in 2010, with one final influx of midwestern stay-at-home-moms to the Internet. It was a historical day for the cult phenomenon when on November 23, 2010, 7 total pictures were uploaded to Twitter since 1997.* Says Anne Montgomery, author of KWDH,

“Buster passed on January 12, 1994. It was a painful time for me, as it was right after the holidays and I was also going through a separation period from my now ex-husband. I looked around the house and the solution was right there in front of me. I gathered up Buster’s fur, picked up my knitting needles, and began working away. Now I can have Buster close to my heart whenever I need him.”

Montgomery is currently working on a guide to making jewelry out of hamster feces.

*Source: Twitter Trends

6. How many times I wore these socks

socks

To estimate the number of times I wore these socks in 2010, I will multiply their level of softness by the approximate coldness of my apartment floor, divided by the number of pairs of other socks that I own, minus two days (days I have owned these equally warm slippers, thanks Mom), equals 17.6. I think it’s safe to say that they’ve paid for themselves!

5. It became okay to abort a twin

zach and codyWhat would the world be like if selective reduction had been around for the first trimester of Zach and Cody?* I do not care to imagine such a dark place… I remember exactly where I was when I read the editorial about selective reduction in the back of Elle Magazine. I don’t even know why I began reading the story, I tend to ignore all text in that magazine because it’s usually nonsense written by girls who have cotton balls for brains. Anyway. It was a story about a woman that found out she was pregnant with twins, and was considering the option of aborting one of them. Spoiler alert: she goes for it. Now, I’m fairly open-minded and have a range of liberal views (if you get my gist), but I was shocked, disgusted, and frankly, scared when I reached the end of the story. Regardless of what a parent may say, one way or another, the kid is going to grow up and find out that they should have had a brother or sister. Cue emotional destruction, stage one. What’s weird is that selective reduction is nothing new, the procedure was developed in the 1980s, but it’s becoming more popular. I give it 10 years to further unfold into a Brave New World dystopian scenario.

*It was around, just not popular yet.

4. Spanky resurfaces

spankyRemember the 90s Little Rascals movie, and that kid Spanky who was soooo cute? … That is all.

3. I slept with a bunny

bunny

2. MOBA acquires its newest piece

bad art

Hollywood Lips is about one woman’s inner battle between light and dark, partially owed to the fact that she resembles a palm tree and has weird, angry eyes. Kids can be cruel.

1. This roll of tape ran out

tape

Inauguration: You 1.8 million think you’re sooooo cool

22 Jan
Watching the Inauguration parade in DC

Watching the Inauguration parade in DC

Videos are sprinkled throughout. (Let’s face it, Interneter. I know you. You’re going to ignore the text and go straight to my videos. I’m okay with that. I wrote this mainly for myself and for Jenn Berry, who’s in England, and made this trip happen for me.)

Premier Bus Lines deposited us onto the mean streets of DC at 5:30 in the morning. (By “Premier” they must mean “Comparable to sitting on a moonbounce while children are jumping”). The sky was black, the moon was thumbnail-like, and the Capitol dome was brightly looming in the distance. It was the first and last time I would see a government monument. http://www.myspace.com/suspensefulmusic

Vendors scampered about arranging their Obama hand-puppets and Obama air fresheners (“They smell like change, 3 dollars”) on tables. Normal people were out too, alot of them; it was kind of like a vampire movie. Mental note: write screenplay for Political Interview with the Vampire, starring Denzel Washington as Barack Obama and Danny DeVito as Anderson Cooper.

Jenn, I REALLY regret not buying you this

Jenn, I REALLY regret not buying you this

We got breakfast at the Hyatt Hotel. Coincidently, out of 100 tables, we sat at the table the college freshmen behind us on the bus had sat.

Me: “Which one of you decided to eat Doritos at 2 o’clock in the morning?” [The three freshmen look at eachother]

College Freshmen #1: “Me”

Me: “FUCKKKK YOUUUUUUU”

We walked away to get coffee and I said to Greg ‘That’s not an awkward breakfast or anything.” Greg’s eye twitched a little so I know he heard me and laughed on the inside. He was pretty much asleep still. Hey thanks, Premier Bus Lines! Anytime I want my boyfriend turned into a shell of his former self, I’ll call you.

We had our awkward breakfast and went outside to test out personal space boundaries for about 2 and a half hours, eventually rounded a corner, and ended up at the same place we started.

I’d like to give props for the creativity that others exhibited for trying to move through the giant, lovable, masses of Obamafans:

1. Lady holding up a plastic police badge: “POLICE, I got a sick lady with me, let me through”

2. Crowd: “MOVE – THAT – BUS”

3. Southern old lady jamming her Prohibited-Item walker into peoples’ backs (if it was my back I would have been REALLY MAD! but ultimately would have DONE NOTHING! as you may have learned from my old people entry.)

Hours later, a cop told us that they stopped letting people into the Mall, due to “a water main break” which immediately sounded like code for “Bomb threat: time to shit pants”. We found an Irish bar with 10 TVs (shout-out to The Irish Channel) where we gathered with other people who didn’t get into the ceremony. Even people with tickets were there. Today, a little sentence in USA Today (jinxyouowemeasoda!) explained that the Purple Ticket gate was never opened because Barry down at Metal Detector Deliveries R Us delivered to “Mashmington, DC” by accident.

We drove 11 hours to get there, to watch it all happen on TV. Whatevs, even the 1.8 million people who got into the actual ceremony ended up watching it on TV (see below), but in the arctic cold (as CNN said, “Temperature in DC: 25 degrees, feels like 11,” to which I remarked “Where do they come up with that measurement?” and some big black guy laughed.)

A picture of a picture of a picture.. wait I think I just blew your mind

A picture of a picture of a picture.. wait I think I just blew your mind

I talked to people from San Diego, West Virginia, North Carolina, and heard the legend of The People That Came from Ethiopia (What? I know..) This was the reason I wanted to come to DC most. I wanted to experience history alongside the other people who dropped everything to come out there and be a part of it all.

And besides seeing the Reverend Al Sharpton, I even saw Brink…

Editorialists, bloggers, and comic strip artists can satire the SHIT out of the nation’s optimism towards Obama’s presidency. Why not put on some black eyeliner, line up your Taking Back Sunday albums, and make a cozy spot in the corner to cry in? Don’t forget to Twitter about how life sucks every half hour.

Please excuse my cold sore:

DVD Extras

DC’s Reaction to Bush during the Inauguration:

DC’s “Chinatown” . . I think they were hinting at something:

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