Tag Archives: cats

I’ve waited 27 days to write this

27 Aug

Today I felt inspired to do this:

Karma's a bitch.

You might be thinking “What, I did not subscribe to a crafting blog. What the eff is this?”

Don’t worry, this is NOT a crafting blog, nor will it ever be. So let me explain. Bit of background info: I am renting a bedroom in a sketchy, messy 3 bedroom house that’s occupied by a family. Why? I moved to Colorado and needed to lock down a random sublet so that I’d have a place to live while going on job interviews and just trying to make my way out here. I found this place on Craigslist, was stressed out and sick of searching for apartments and jobs, and mailed them a check, sight unseen.

I knew it wasn’t going to be ideal, but I didn’t know it would be like this.

Laundry room:

gross laundry room

I think they took the concept of a “laundry room” literally, because there are clothes EVERYWHERE. I’m assuming they’re still like that, because I haven’t been down there since my first time doing laundry. I’d be okay with wading through other people’s dirty clothes, but it also smells like cat pee and, on top of that, a few days ago there was a sewage leak. Once a personal preference, now a safety hazard. I’m out of clean underwear.

Living room: 

messy living room

Mostly uninhabitable, 2 points for irony! The one time I sat on the couch was the last time I sat on the couch, frankly because I’m afraid of whatever is lurking in the cushions that’s feeding off Cheetos from 2008.

Parents:

I met the mother, Buffy, when she was talking on a Nokia cell phone as she walked through the front door. She hung up and told her husband:

“We can’t use this cell phone, they can track it. We need to get another cell phone.”

Then she turned to me and explained that Hunter’s father was trying to find out where his son was because they just got custody of him (red flag #1). Then she introduced herself to me. Best first impression ever!

(Later, the mother told me that she’s a germaphobe. Several times, actually. Please refer to the previous pictures of the house, and let me know if you find this amusing too.)

Kids:

neenu

This is the 2 year-old girl who follows me around everywhere. She’s cute but she often stinks because her parents don’t bother changing her diaper or her clothes.

red head

This picture represents the 6 year-old BONUS child named Hunter. I don’t have a picture of him because I don’t like him, so this picture of a redhead should suffice. I say “bonus” child because the day I moved in, the father sat me down in the foyer (nearly gave me a heart attack — who “sits” their tenants down upon arrival?) and told me that, surprise, Hunter would be living with the family. I was informed that Hunter is the wife’s child from an abusive relationship that she “just got out of.” ..Red flag #2.

“The Wall”

Every wall in the living room is known as “The Wall,” which is a more spacious form of “The Corner.” As in “Hunter!??? GET ON THE WALL!” Said child stomps over to The Wall, faces it, and the parents continue watching TV. Child turns and watches the TV. Child stands there for 45 minutes, because he spoke while on The Wall and thus extended his initial “minute” on the wall by 44 minutes. Actually, even a well-behaved “minute” can last 20 minutes — I’ve seen it a couple times.

This is not a recommended form of parenting.

Sooooooo how does the Karma’s a Bitch mason jar fit into all this?

Well, for the past four or five days, the family’s been gone.

“I found out that they’re not coming back,” said the shirtless/hairy man that also rents a room in the house (another surprise). He was on his way to the bathroom holding a shower caddy. One perk of living with creepy older men is that you get to see them on their way to shower or use the bathroom, and then get visualizations of things to come. Ugh.

“What? Wait.. what? I thought they owned the house?” I was surprised, but also kind of amused at the same time. Nothing really shocked me at this point in the game.

“No, I guess they rent it.” Aha.. Renters were renting to renters. Quite clever of them. “Yea, Buffy’s sister came by earlier this morning when you were gone, and she said that they weren’t coming back, and she asked me if I wanted to keep the cats.”

The Cats:

love this cat

this cat's kinda nice

I wasn’t too surprised that they had skipped out on their own rent, left the place a complete mess, and left most of their belongings, but I was surprised that they were completely fine with abandoning two cats to basically die of starvation. Cool.

On one hand, their leaving might be an upgrade because the cats were neglected in the first place. My second week here, I noticed that their water bowl was empty and I filled it up. The black little guy ran right over and drank like he just stumbled across an Oasis on the Oregon Trail. I’ve been feeding them ever since. The family also has a puppy, who they apparently decided was worthy of bringing along. He spent most of his time on a chain in the dirt backyard or locked in the shed overnight.

I know this is a humor blog, and I was trying to keep a good sense of humor in a situation that I couldn’t control, but stuff like this just makes me hate humanity. Sure, there are some decent people out there, but there are way more pieces of sh*t who are completely irresponsible and assume that their actions don’t have consequences. Or worse, they know exactly what they’re doing but they don’t care. I feel like the past couple of years I keep meeting more of these people.

So.. telling myself “karma is a bitch” is sometimes the only thing that settles me down. I don’t believe in any god so I’m not capable of thinking that someday they’ll meet their maker in a firey pit of misery. I guess I believe that “you get what you give” and “what goes around comes around.” Actions have reactions. When you feed your 2 year old a steady diet of soda, chips, fried chicken, and pizza, she’s probably going to resent you when she hits 13 and gets picked on for being overweight. She’ll hate you even more when she realizes there’s no money for college because you skipped out on your rent 800 times. And in some mysterious way, when she runs away at 17, that’s karma coming back at you for when you decided to abandon two cats and leave them to starve and die. Karma’s a bitch.

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It’s about to get all cat lady up in here

20 Feb porn

Thanks to this blog, a photo of a mutual cat friend of mine has made it to the elite Facebook page The Tiniest Tiger; third in popularity only to  Adults Shorter than Danny Devito and OKCupid Red Heads. I’m really proud to be responsible for this huge feline accomplishment. Special thanks to Michael Bench who chose that photo over about 400 other photos of cats.

In the spirit of the moment, I’d like to share with you a collection of cat photos taken over May to August 2008, in Lake Powell, Arizona, when my cousin Jenn Berry and I tore up the Southwest and “worked” as watersports instructors. The kittens in the following photos are named Blackout and Beaver, siblings to Optimus Prime, Megatron, and other Transformers autobots and decepticons. So put your Tigger sweatshirt and elastic waistband jeans on because it’s about to get all cat lady up in here.

cat with tampon

Wow, way to be discreet with the feminine products.

oak leaf

porn

Ooh, caught you looking at porn.

cat swimming

Swimming lessons!

pervert

Sure, that’s normal.

blackout

Thanks for watching.

Last Night at the Rodeo

14 Mar

In case I didn’t mention it, I’ve been in Texas this past week for spring break. I’m here in Dallas visiting my cousins, partly to get some sun, and partly to see if this is where I want to move to when I break out of the death grip that is college this May. So far I love it here. We visited Austin last weekend (more on that later), and spent the rest of the week in Dallas.

I feel that I’ve accomplished a lot this past week. First, I’ve realized that not everyone in Texas is fat. Austin is teeming with runners, and I actually have grown so accustomed to seeing thin people in Dallas that I do a double-take when someone larger walks by. Which I’m not sure is an accomplishment, but whatever. Second, I’ve forged a relationship with my cousin’s two cats — a major feat because the older one, Rascal, is apparently a punk ass bitch to most people. I feel special. Oh. Two accomplishments might not be “a lot” on paper, but it was in my mind. But onto the rodeo topic.

awkwardface.com

Being my last weekend in Texas, my cousin Laura bought us 2 tickets to the rodeo. This entailed using lots of hair spray, squeezing into tight flared jeans (which I haven’t done since I was 17), and layering on the eye makeup. I felt like we were going to an 8th grade dance.

We drove to Mesquite, Texas, ended up at a dark, empty building (wrong night), and turned around and drove 50 minutes in the opposite direction. We ended up at Billy Bob’s in Fort Worth, where we paid $12 to see Billboard’s newest sweethearts, Micky and the Motorcars. After seeing several cowboy hats, 2-steppers, and a girl in a baby tee, we decided to check out the rest of Fort Worth. = Sup tumbleweeds. Really, if you can avoid the city, do so please.

All in all, thanks for sitting through my anticlimactic story. I’ll have more interesting things to write about at a later date, when I’m not salivating over a Boboli pizza cooking in my cousin’s oven.

A tree DOES grow in Brooklyn

13 Mar

pic_0095_1

Yes! Now I don’t have to read the book…

It was Day Three of staying in a hostel in Brooklyn when I realized why there was trash all over the streets. CATS. The manager of our hostel refers to these cats as “lions” – they’re scruffy, giant city-cats who team up in the wee hours and tear into trash bags, carrying chicken bones and Golden Krust wrappers onto the sidewalks and streets.

Other than the trashy streets, I have fallen in love with Brooklyn. Our skin color made us stick out, but we were friendly and everyone was friendly right back. We walked daily to Fulton Street to eat and catch the C train to Manhattan.

Fulton Street (C Train to Franklin St.)
Fulton Street (C Train to Franklin St.)

You can smell Fulton Street a block away because of the hundreds of amazing and cheap Caribbean, West Indian, and soul food joints. There must have been a sale on yellow signs because they’re everywhere. I had a couple of spicy jerk chicken co-patties ($1.50/ea) and Greg had jerk chicken at Golden Krust (a Caribbean fast food chain). We ate a $3.50 breakfast two mornings in a row at a diner owned by a Portuguese family. I had THE BEST macaroni and cheese of my life at a soul food kitchen (C Train to Throop) accompanied by the cutest “Hi, honay” and “What can I getcha, baybeh?”

I bought a pair of new Nikes and Adidas sneakers on Fulton St. for $20/each. They’re ridiculous-looking and I love them. We also went to the Goodwill where I found a bunch of new, pretty dresses that were too big :( I found a brand-new black leather handbag and paid a whopping $7 for it.

It was a genius idea of Greg’s to rent bikes and ride all over Brooklyn & Manhattan. We rented two Schwinns in Brooklyn’s DUMBO (Down Under the Manhattan Bridge Overpass) at Recycle a Bicycle. It was only $30 for a 24 hour rental including a helmet and lock! Do you love my sweet windburn?

dsc00321

We got “pulled over” and ID’d by two cops in Brooklyn for biking on the sidewalk…so after that we had to bike on the street. It was scary at first but a ton of fun. We biked over the Brooklyn Bridge and navigated through crowded Canal Street, which is essentially hundreds of stores selling the exact same crappy handbag and pair of sunglasses.

dsc00310

My favorite park in Brooklyn

My favorite park in Brooklyn

The view from Grimaldi's

The view from Grimaldi's

After waiting a half-hour in the line outside, we ate “the best Brooklyn pizza” at Grimaldi’s. No. No way. The pizza was SO bland! The sauce was begging for a bucket of spices to be dumped on it. I am what one might call a Crust Maverick, and I left their bland crust on my plate for awhile (then ate it because I was bored and still hungry.) After not being impressed by “the best Brooklyn pizza” I officially began my quest for the REAL best Brooklyn pizza. (Coming soon to Bravo, brought to you by the creators of The Real Housewives of Orange County/New York City/Atlanta.) My second try for good Brooklyn pizza was at a Jewish pizza shop on Fulton Street…FAIL. This might just be a lifelong quest. For now I’ll stick with my town’s own Holbrook House of Pizza as my personal favorite pizza.

Last, I really must plug Pedro’s, a Mexican/Spanish/American casual restaurant/bar in DUMBO. Please ignore the “I-have-a-tamale-up-my-ass” reviews on Yelp, because this place has intense cheese tamales ($6 for 2) and salsa and a cool atmosphere – we came back twice. I wish we went back there at night. Below is the exterior, and if someone can find me this stencil I will give you $4.

Pedro's

Pedro's

So that’s the rundown on Brooklyn. My next post will be about Manhattan. Thanks for reading, betches!

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