Tag Archives: catholic

Sometimes, judging can come in handy

6 Aug

I overheard a pack of girls talking behind me today.

“He goes, ‘I will pay you five thousand dollars to spend the night with me.’ and she was like ‘Ew, no, you’re the ShamWow guy.’ “

This happened on my way down to the beach at Horsetooth Reservoir outside of Fort Collins, Colorado, which is about 20 minutes from where I now live as of 4 days ago. ..More on that later.


It got me thinking about this ShamWow guy. I’m sure you know who he is; the guy seems to have a neck-craning tendency along with just having a troublesome face in general, plus those eyebrows. I’m guessing he was probably the kid who sat in the middle of his seventh grade class drawing unicorns while all of the cool kids sat in the back flinging spitty pieces of paper at the back of his neck, which actually might explain the craned neck tendency.


Anyway, I thought to myself, “It’s really no surprise that Mr. ShamWow tried to bribe a 20-something girl from Colorado into having sex with him. He kind of looks like a d*ck, and probably has a lot of free time on his hands outside of filming ShamWow commercials in which to bribe young girls and snort cocaine.”

At that moment, I learned something about myself: I am a seriously judgmental motherf*cker. I’m not sure exactly when I became like this, but it may have started the day that I got punched by a drunk homeless guy while I was waiting for the bus at a train station. We had been “talking” about his radio (he had been sputtering on about “FM” and “radio”) and I got tired of saying “What? I can’t really understand you” when I guess he got mad and decided to take it out on my face. I stood up and yelled “WHY DID YOU DO THAT,” ran inside and started crying like a baby… he staggered across the highway towards the Motel 6 while I sat in the back of the police car, still crying.

After that, I no longer bought candy bars for smelly people standing outside of 7-11’s, or made eye contact with kids my age sitting on a sidewalk with a dog and a cardboard sign. Basically, drunken radio-man made me assume that all homeless people were threats that should be avoided.

Due to being brainwashed by Catholic high school, it’s always been in the back of my mind that judging people is BAD. It’s just something that stuck around because maybe I agreed with it as a moral thing rather than a religious teaching. (Please note that I’ve been an atheist since about 10th grade).


But sometimes judging can come in handy. Like when you want to determine whether someone is white trash, you can use these visual cues:

white trash

I’ve been known to attend white trash parties

White Trash Checklist

Clothing: Bud Light/Coors Light swag, sleeveless tee-shirt, denim carpenter shorts positioned low on the hips, bikini top + cutoffs when 20+ miles outside of swimming areas

Accessories: Wallet chain, cigarette behind ear, hunting hat, Sketchers sneakers, Busch Light can, bicep tattoo or tramp stamp, belly button piercing + overweight, “sport” sunglasses

Activities: Feeding soda to children, listening to Creed, buying cigarello’s at Tedeschi’s, referring to a cigarette as a “butt”, hanging out at Wendy’s

Or if you want to know whether someone will make a good boyfriend or girlfriend:

Problematic Significant Other Checklist

Activities: Recycles stuffed animals from past relationships for new relationships, works part-time, fights with parent(s) in front of you, lives with parents

(Unfortunately, I formed these assumptions AFTER breaking up with the guy that helped me form them.. so they came a bit too late. But they’re definitely useful for the future.)

So… I don’t feel so bad about being judgmental anymore. After reflecting, most of my judgments are actually keeping me safer by helping me avoid punches in the face, white trash, and unappealing boyfriends. And that’s just fine with me.


The natural way to get high

9 Feb

Why taint your pee when you can feel high by staying awake longer than recommended? Say no to drugs. Instead, try


It’s the natural way to get high!

Here’s what they said about Stayingawakelongerthanrecommended®.

Lewis Carroll, author of Alice in Wonderland


“I always thought that I’d have to carry on the family business of polishing containers. Then one day I stumbled upon Stayingawakelongerthanrecommended®. I instantly found myself pulling in serious quid by writing about hookah-smoking caterpillers and dancing turtles! If only we Carroll’s had found out about it sooner…”



Richard Thalheimer, Founder of The Sharper Image

“After I got my engineering degree at MIT, I felt lost. Day in and day out, I would build solar panels, water filters; you know, things that advanced humankind. Meanwhile, I was riding a Huffy to work, and dining on Ramen noodles… Then a friend at work told me about Stayingawakelongerthanrecommended®. Since that moment, I’ve never looked back!”



The authors of The Bible

thelastsupper “So we were all sitting around a table one night, right? John was all ‘We gotta leave a legacy behind, man. We’ve been touring the hillsides, getting manna and sweet virgin tail for years with our sick magic tricks. We should write a book!'”

What began as an instruction guide for bachelors soon became a cult classic. Legend has it that Jesus, the hippie of the B.C. era, began passing around Stayingawakelongerthanrecommended®, and within a week, the first draft of The Holy Bible was spreading like the plague across the Middle East.


Still not convinced?

If history’s just not for you, take a look at the accomplishments of a more recently devoted Stayingawakelongerthanrecommended® fan.




Meet the fan, writer for ummmmheyyyy.wordpress.com

n45405321_31567208_5580“And it the still when it to the reticulum, Golgi bodies. Ayyyyyyyyyy Stayingawakelongerthanrecommended®.”


It’s the natural way to get high!


Side effects may include headache, nausea, dizziness, lightheadedness, loss of balance, hives, impaired judgement, pain while urinating, unusual paleness, confusion, loss of interest in daily activities, tonsil enlargement, vision changes, hallucinations, increased pressure in the brain, inability to hold down solids, numbness, death.
%d bloggers like this: