Things I Could Do with a Superbowl Halftime Show LED Suit

7 Feb superbowl halftime show led suit

superbowl halftime show led suit

Since watching the Black Eyed Peas ‘perform’ last night during the Superbowl halftime show, I’ve been fantasizing about the things I could do with an LED suit.

1. Sit in a dark room and abruptly light up, scaring children/old people

2. Hide in a Christmas tree

3. Be my own book light

4. Sit in a movie theater and light up at pivotal moments

5. Be a strobe light

6. Be my own interior car light

7. Be my own camping flashlight / fire, people could sit around me and tell stories

8. Go spelunking

9. Go skydiving and inspire UFO reports

10. Punctuate angry moments by flickering

The opportunities are endless. I can’t wait until some of the dancers start selling their LED suits on eBay, and/or when surplus LED factories in Japan start listing thousands of them accompanied by Asian models throwing peace signs and smiling Asianly. My Paypal is locked and loaded.

Or, I mean, I could always go this route.

christmas tree suit

Advertisements

10 Things No One Gave a Shit About in 2010

28 Dec

What with the BP disaster, Chilean miners, Wikileaks, the Craigslist Killer Lifetime Movie and everything else that was important in 2010 getting a second wind of exposure, I’ve decided to put out my own list of Top 10 in 2010. It’s time to shine a light on those things that had no influence over anyone in 2010.

10. Poor hamburger phone connectivity

hamburger phone

I’m tired of all these wireless providers getting all the attention. I’m having a serious hamburger phone connectivity issue here! I can’t make outgoing calls, I can’t get incoming calls, and anytime I hear dialtone it sounds like an orca whale and a fire alarm are mating on the other end of the line. I do not appreciate prank calls, Hamburger Phone Network! If you had a Twitter account, I would not hesitate to Direct Message the shit out of your interns!

9. Rhett Akers’ basement videos

Rhett Akers is on the fast track to Internet Stardom with his Youtube videos, filmed in what appears to be the basement apartment of his parents’ house. And there’s more where that came from, ladies — follow @RhettAkers on Twitter for some more guitar/shirtless action! Red hot!

*If you’re insinuating that I found Rhett Candy by chance today, you are correct

8. Maatia Toafa is elected Prime Minister of Tuvalu

I know what you’re thinking. Tuvalu? Why didn’t this make headlines?!! Well, it’s likely that the news was slightly overshadowed by the record-setting billion-dollar campaign ad expenditures on the other side of the world.

7. Knitting with Dog Hair trend takes off

knitting with dog hair
Meredith Biggelsworth and son

Largely spurred by the 1997 publication of Knitting with Dog Hair: Better a Sweater from a Dog You Know Than from a Sheep You’ll Never Meet, the knitting with dog hair trend reached a pivotal point in 2010, with one final influx of midwestern stay-at-home-moms to the Internet. It was a historical day for the cult phenomenon when on November 23, 2010, 7 total pictures were uploaded to Twitter since 1997.* Says Anne Montgomery, author of KWDH,

“Buster passed on January 12, 1994. It was a painful time for me, as it was right after the holidays and I was also going through a separation period from my now ex-husband. I looked around the house and the solution was right there in front of me. I gathered up Buster’s fur, picked up my knitting needles, and began working away. Now I can have Buster close to my heart whenever I need him.”

Montgomery is currently working on a guide to making jewelry out of hamster feces.

*Source: Twitter Trends

6. How many times I wore these socks

socks

To estimate the number of times I wore these socks in 2010, I will multiply their level of softness by the approximate coldness of my apartment floor, divided by the number of pairs of other socks that I own, minus two days (days I have owned these equally warm slippers, thanks Mom), equals 17.6. I think it’s safe to say that they’ve paid for themselves!

5. It became okay to abort a twin

zach and codyWhat would the world be like if selective reduction had been around for the first trimester of Zach and Cody?* I do not care to imagine such a dark place… I remember exactly where I was when I read the editorial about selective reduction in the back of Elle Magazine. I don’t even know why I began reading the story, I tend to ignore all text in that magazine because it’s usually nonsense written by girls who have cotton balls for brains. Anyway. It was a story about a woman that found out she was pregnant with twins, and was considering the option of aborting one of them. Spoiler alert: she goes for it. Now, I’m fairly open-minded and have a range of liberal views (if you get my gist), but I was shocked, disgusted, and frankly, scared when I reached the end of the story. Regardless of what a parent may say, one way or another, the kid is going to grow up and find out that they should have had a brother or sister. Cue emotional destruction, stage one. What’s weird is that selective reduction is nothing new, the procedure was developed in the 1980s, but it’s becoming more popular. I give it 10 years to further unfold into a Brave New World dystopian scenario.

*It was around, just not popular yet.

4. Spanky resurfaces

spankyRemember the 90s Little Rascals movie, and that kid Spanky who was soooo cute? … That is all.

3. I slept with a bunny

bunny

2. MOBA acquires its newest piece

bad art

Hollywood Lips is about one woman’s inner battle between light and dark, partially owed to the fact that she resembles a palm tree and has weird, angry eyes. Kids can be cruel.

1. This roll of tape ran out

tape

Me: This Year’s Made for TV Christmas Movie

15 Dec kill santa

Go ahead, sit back and relax with a bowl of Pop Secret. This Christmas, you won’t need to turn on your TV set to watch this year’s spectacular Christmas event. Because the way things are going, I am this year’s ABC Family Original Christmas Movie.

kill santa

Coming to theaters near you! Rated G

Siskel: “An unforgettable event”

Maybe you’re a bit unfamiliar with the concept of ABC Family Original Christmas movies. Let me help you out. For starters, starring in every ABC Family Christmas movie is a B-list TV actor on the downward slope of his or her career (such as Melissa Joan Hart and A.C. Slater in Holiday in Handcuffs). Each movie generally begins with a series of simply hilarious follies or mishaps such as leaving a perm in too long or having to run from the law because of a botched felony (Christmas Caper starring Shannen Doherty) — absolutely hilarious! The mishaps continue, at least two unrealistically matched people fall in love (Christina Milian and Chad Michael Murray in this year’s Christmas Cupid) and the family stops fighting to remember the true meaning of Christmas, etc. etc.

ice water

Upside: Didnt have to use ice in my ice water. Downside: Everything else

My Christmas Story begins in the wee hours of Thursday night, when a big pipe decided to become a deadbeat dad and neglect heating his entire family of apartment building pipes. (Or at least that’s how I see it, because the mechanics of hot water is Spanish to me.) Friday… Saturday… Sunday… Monday….. Tuesday night the hot water comes back on. What luck! Just in time for the worst day of the week!

Rewind to Saturday morning. I am sitting on my couch. My roommate Chad wakes up and comes out, telling me about a fight our other roommate picked with him last night. Chris (known inside my head as Loose Cannon Guy on The Real World) yells from his room that he’s coming out “to talk.” (Loose Cannon usually sleeps until 2pm most days — so this change in behavior leaves me scared). He busts into the living room zipping up his jeans and throws his finger in Chad’s face, using a certain N word in that special Texas way. Chad says nothing, and Chris goes back in his room. Chad and I start to clean up the kitchen. Chris barrels in again, this time appearing to quote directly from a poorly written screenplay about a disturbed youth. It was like watching a bad Real World audition tape.

Skip ahead to Monday. A series of Facebook messages and texts leaves me worried for two days that I might have to find another apartment in less than a month, and during the jolly, ever-so-warm Christmas season. Still no real update on this situation. I wait around for a landlord that never shows up (to address the hot water situation) and feel guilty for going in late to work, then arrive outside to find an orange Christmas card on the windshield of my car.

parking ticket

I hope a bird shit on you while you wrote this

After work on Tuesday, I head to the gym for my first real shower in 5 days. No, I do not put in a workout.

At home, I light a few candles in my room and go to wash my face for bed. I open my door to see flames shooting up from the poinsettia that is in a vase on my bookcase. It’s not even real poinsettia, so it’s not like the petals could have fallen off. Yes, I’m pretty sure I am being haunted by a Christmas ghost who wants to see me die in an ironic way. Luckily, I am able to smother the flames with an Ikea candle holder. They are useful in so many ways.

Poisonous, fragile, AND a fire hazard. What's the friggin POINT?

And so the story continues. I expect things to get increasingly worse over the next 11 days until Christmas (special thanks to Ebay for letting me know the countdown, assholes), with a final scene of me being on the street pushing a cart of bottles and cans like those Asians that I constantly grumble at for waking me up at night. And in case you were wondering about any potential love interests, I think it’s safe to say that my luck in that department will sally forth clear into the New Year.

DIY Jacuzzi Hot Tub Fails

19 Nov

I work at a website which, among other things, helps people buy hot tubs. Along the way, I’ve learned a couple of things about hot tubs that I wish I never knew. Firstly, “hot tub girl” is the most searched for phrase in Google in relation to hot tubs in general. Second, I stumbled across a girl who killed her baby in a hot tub, possibly after skipping several important English classes. Thirdly, it seems that public Health class curriculum does not include Safe Hot Tub Sex, as quite a few people seem to be Googling the sh*t out of hot tubs and STDs.’ Lastly, in that typically American way, there seems to be much interest in the hot tub world for DIY hot tubs. Yes, there are actually people out there who make their pickup truck into a hot tub using a garden hose, engine exhaust, and a pinch of redneck. Which leads me to… the ten most epic DIY hot tub fails.

1. Equal ratio hot tub fail

hot tub party

2. Flammable synthetic material fail

hot tub fail

3. Redneck soup fail

redneck fail

4. Homeless fail

homeless fail

5. Cute girl fail

wooden hot tub

6. Supportive beam fail

epic hot tub fail

7. Sobriety fail

sobriety fail

8. Hot tub home fail

hot tub family fail

9. Match.com fail

Match.com fail

10. Threesome fail

Threesome fail

Kindly excuse me while I drop some free hot tub PR for the site I work for… Now git yer hot tub prices, ya hear?

10 Tips for Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

28 Oct

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
BBBBRRRRRAAAAIIIINNNNSSSS!

This post has been syndicated from ZombieZone.com.

zombie survival guideOkay, you may not have found that funny, but unfortunately it may be the new reality. Undisclosed sources say that Halloween 2010 will see the first zombie apocalypse.  BuyerZone wants you to be prepared!  Here are ten important tips that will help you stay alive until your local Zombie Removal & Extermination crew can come to the rescue.

  1. DON’T DIE: If this isn’t #1 on your list, then good luck. Are partially chewed-up people knocking at your door?  Don’t answer it! They are ZOMBIES and you, my friend, are walking, talking prime rib.  Zombies don’t talk, reason, or have any other functions besides eating.  So, STAY AWAY FROM THEIR MOUTHS!!!  Even if you aren’t devoured, a bite spreads the infection and is 100% deadly.  After about 24 hours, newly infected people die and rise to join the ranks of the undead.
  2. Kill Creatively: Guess who through a sniper scope. One might think that there are only so many ways to destroy the zombie brain.  Wrong!  Go into your shed, work room, or attic and find a sharp or blunt weapon. Use it to take your frustration out and split some zombie skulls!  With a friend?  Play a game.  Try guess who, but from a distance with a large caliber rifle.
  3. Play Time: Just because the world is ending doesn’t mean you can’t have fun. What is the point of being human if you can’t act it?  Take a break from killing creatively and play a game of Monopoly.  It will take your mind off the apocalypse …for awhile.
  4. Fitness: Lean, mean zombie-killing machine. If you can’t beat ‘em, practice running from them. Otherwise, you will be remembered as that aerobically-challenged member of the group who sacrificed himself so the others could escape.  When the apocalypse comes, cardio means everything. Weight training won’t make you look heroic as you lift a zombie over your head only to be devoured by the throngs of voracious zombies surrounding you.
  5. Hygiene: You don’t want to smell worse than they do. So, who knows how long you’ll be stuck wherever you are?  Prioritize the use of your water: set rations for drinking and cleaning yourself.  A week or two without a shower won’t kill anyone.  Also, long hair is a great way for a zombie to get a hold of you.  Sounds like crew cuts are in style!
  6. Food & Supplies: Shop before you drop…DEAD! A hungry survivor is a weak survivor.  Head to the nearest un-looted convenience store and grab as many non-perishables and bottles of water as you can. You don’t want to survive a zombie siege only to succumb to thirst and hunger.
  7. Attire: Does camo make your butt look big? Heels – lose them.  Burberry coat – useless.  In this fashion scenario, you don’t want to look like a ‘great catch.’  What you need are a good pair of boots and dark, earthy-colored clothes.  Form-fitted clothing is preferable for escaping the grasp of decaying hands.
  8. Home Sweet Home: Build your own warm, cozy fortress. Since zombies aren’t tactful or dexterous, they can be easy to outwit.  It may be possible to keep one out behind a door but don’t plan on leaning against it when a dozen zombies are trying to break through – that’s just cinematic suicide, as dozens of movies have shown. Instead, think height. Set up shop on the second floor or roof – but make sure to barricade or destroy your stairs so they can’t follow.
  9. On The Move: The ZTA – Zombie Transit AuthorityIgnore your impulses to jump into the nearest car. Cars need gas, and after the apocalypse, do you really think Shell will stay open?  Instead, steal a mountain bike and hit the trails.  Fast, quiet, and no gas required.
  10. Communication: Yes, without social media. No power, no computer, no Internet, and no phone networks.  If you’re fortunate enough to know Morse Code, you’re still probably out of luck.  It takes two for that tango.  The ideal communication device is a CB radio.  If all else fails, try a white board and a pair of binoculars.

Unless you’re an easy target, these tips should keep you alive and uninfected until trained zombie exterminators are able to reach your area.

Get your free Zombie Extermination price quotes today!

Live and let live.

18 Sep

If I had a nickel for every time I heard that I’d stab this hipster in the genitals

7 Easy Ways to Deter Females

30 Aug

My horoscope should have informed me that the month of August would be chock full of vomit-inducing interactions with guys. From this month’s epic fails in opposite sex interaction, I’ve created a list of 10 easy ways to deter females.

1. Barbecue sauce on your white undershirt while you’re talking to me

watershoes

stop turning me on.

Inherent to the very word itself, an “undershirt” was designed to function as a buffer for your sweaty skin and another shirt. The undershirt lies in no-man’s-land, free to collect its heart’s desire of yellow armpit triangles and B.O. Although I applaud the comfort you have with your potato-like upper body, your skewed body image does not make it publicly acceptable to walk around my neighborhood (or “bike” your dog — see number 3) in your barbecue-sauce stained undershirt.

2. Watershoes

Ew.

3. Unabashed laziness

If you can’t muster up the energy to get off your ass and walk your dog, you probably shouldn’t have a dog. No, “biking” your dog does not make you look athletic, regardless of your expensive Trek mountain bike. It just makes you look like a lazy shit. Your Alaskan Huskie probably doesn’t appreciate being choked either.

4. Cartoon boxer shorts

Maybe I’m old-fashioned but I don’t want to feel like I’m dating a five year-old.

guiliana rancic

My bones just turned to ice

5. Bragging to make up for shortcomings

“SHOULD I GET THE BOOZE FOR THE BOAT OR ARE YOU GOING TO?” Me, the other girls at CVS buying magazines for the beach, and Ethel at the counter could really care less about what you and your Bosley Hair Transplant candidate friends are doing this afternoon. Knowing someone who has a boat is not going to hide the fact that you’re twice our age and you’re a lumbering giant with a face as unsettling as Giuliana Rancic.

6. Failure to detect passive-aggressive rejection

You’re my sister’s friend’s brother or that nerdy kid in high school no one ever talked to. Me choosing to “Ignore” such a Facebook Friend Request would present a slew of tentative Jersey Shore -like social situations — so I accepted you. It’s a Tuesday night. You message me on Facebook Chat. The conversation is dull, and I sign off without saying bye. On Thursday night you message me again and I ignore it. Eighteen ignores later…

7. Not holding open the door for me

No clever descriptive paragraph for this one — it’s self-evident.

Moral of the story — plenty of fish in the sea, too few Great White sharks.

WORLD PREMIER: Building 19 Commercial

2 Aug

building 19

In case you missed it during the season 2 premier of MTV’s Jersey Shore, now you can watch the new Building 19® commercial on YouTube, a Girls with Guns ProductionGirls with Guns is a production company that produces local commercials for such mom-and-pop stores as “Walmart, Inc.” and “The Burger King.”

Want to be FIRST to hear about new Girls with Guns commercials? Want to see our portfolio of past work; the stuff that got us where we are today?

facebook pageBecome a Fan

Congratulations, Natalie Portman!

30 Jul

short hair girl

Short Hair Girl

for hitting NUMBER ONE in the Google image search “short hair girl.” A job well done!

Though she may wish to forget the past, the memory of her bad decisions lives on through Google
-Helen Keller

CASTING CALL for Average/Disappointing Bodies

28 Jul

CASTING CALL — Males & Female Models ALL AGES — $200 to $1000/day (Burlington)

Date: 2010-07-25, 3:08PM PDT

Reply to: job-swjp-1979722@craigslist.org

We are a camping supply website seeking fresh faces to model our new product line.
Must have photogenic facial features; ‘average’ or ‘disappointing’ body is okay**
No experience necessary, please email two or more headshots to info@vtarmynavy.com
Examples of past model work wearing our past styles are below
**We also have opportunities for ‘somewhat presentable’ bodies; please scroll down**

awkward family

The "Questionable Relationship"

awkward

The "Ninja"

emo kid

The "Zoloft 125 mg"

awkward couple

The "Contraceptive"

the unborn

The "Unborn"

apocalypse

The "Apocalypse"

one time in college

The "No One Hears About this at the Office, Ken, I Mean No One"

Or perhaps you think you think you have what it takes to be a poncho model. If so, please send us two or more body shots in addition to your two or more headshots ****PLEASE NO NUDITY, WE ARE A FAMILY COMPANY****

Examples of past poncho model work is below

the handlebar hero

The "Handlebar Hero"

the mean streets

The "Mean Streets of Burlington Vermont"

ridiculous

The "Ruthless Shoveler -What Is That Guy Doing with the Flashlight"

funny

The "Door-to-door TV Salesman"

the kute kid kape

The "Kute Kid Kape (KKK)"

gigolo

The "Gigolo"

ugly jacket

The "Lunchroom Target"

  • Compensation: $200 to $1000 for the day. Shoot compensation to be negotiated.
  • Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
  • Please, no phone calls about this job!
  • Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

									
%d bloggers like this: