7 Easy Ways to Deter Females

30 Aug

My horoscope should have informed me that the month of August would be chock full of vomit-inducing interactions with guys. From this month’s epic fails in opposite sex interaction, I’ve created a list of 10 easy ways to deter females.

1. Barbecue sauce on your white undershirt while you’re talking to me

watershoes

stop turning me on.

Inherent to the very word itself, an “undershirt” was designed to function as a buffer for your sweaty skin and another shirt. The undershirt lies in no-man’s-land, free to collect its heart’s desire of yellow armpit triangles and B.O. Although I applaud the comfort you have with your potato-like upper body, your skewed body image does not make it publicly acceptable to walk around my neighborhood (or “bike” your dog — see number 3) in your barbecue-sauce stained undershirt.

2. Watershoes

Ew.

3. Unabashed laziness

If you can’t muster up the energy to get off your ass and walk your dog, you probably shouldn’t have a dog. No, “biking” your dog does not make you look athletic, regardless of your expensive Trek mountain bike. It just makes you look like a lazy shit. Your Alaskan Huskie probably doesn’t appreciate being choked either.

4. Cartoon boxer shorts

Maybe I’m old-fashioned but I don’t want to feel like I’m dating a five year-old.

guiliana rancic

My bones just turned to ice

5. Bragging to make up for shortcomings

“SHOULD I GET THE BOOZE FOR THE BOAT OR ARE YOU GOING TO?” Me, the other girls at CVS buying magazines for the beach, and Ethel at the counter could really care less about what you and your Bosley Hair Transplant candidate friends are doing this afternoon. Knowing someone who has a boat is not going to hide the fact that you’re twice our age and you’re a lumbering giant with a face as unsettling as Giuliana Rancic.

6. Failure to detect passive-aggressive rejection

You’re my sister’s friend’s brother or that nerdy kid in high school no one ever talked to. Me choosing to “Ignore” such a Facebook Friend Request would present a slew of tentative Jersey Shore -like social situations — so I accepted you. It’s a Tuesday night. You message me on Facebook Chat. The conversation is dull, and I sign off without saying bye. On Thursday night you message me again and I ignore it. Eighteen ignores later…

7. Not holding open the door for me

No clever descriptive paragraph for this one — it’s self-evident.

Moral of the story — plenty of fish in the sea, too few Great White sharks.

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7 Responses to “7 Easy Ways to Deter Females”

  1. theweeklyargus August 30, 2010 at 3:09 am #

    Of course, all can be made up by slipping on a mesh bodysuit and offering a girl a gentlemanly back rub using medicated lotion.

  2. Marcello August 30, 2010 at 3:56 am #

    Is the number 7 way to deter females, asking about where the number 7 way to deter females went? haha

  3. Peter Clarke August 30, 2010 at 5:07 am #

    7. Not being able to count.

  4. ummmmheyyyy August 30, 2010 at 1:04 pm #

    Sue me people I effed up hahaha

  5. Christa August 31, 2010 at 10:44 pm #

    <3

  6. LaboriousLiving September 4, 2010 at 1:06 pm #

    My boyfriend bought water shoes. I will ‘lose’ them immediately!

  7. Andy September 10, 2010 at 10:12 pm #

    I have to disagree with the watershoes though. Staph infections. Tetanus. AIDS. That’s just a really cautious dude. No way do I go into any shower without watershoes. Even my own.

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