The Art of People-Watching

8 Aug

Half the fun in people-watching is that you get to make fun of other people. The other half is having a good laugh at them.

Psst, were Asian

"Psst, we're Asian"

Sometimes people don’t even need to be made fun of — they look ridiculous enough to provide an endless supply of natural laughter. These moments are magical and should be cherished with a best friend or grandmother. (I remember being little and sitting outside the Red Lobster eating french fries and vinegar with my grandmother, first experiencing the art of “People-Watching”; subtitled Talking Mad Shit About Strangers. Magical.

After a long day of shopping or a night spent battling The Spins, the easiest way to enjoy the benefits of People-Watching is to go for visuals. Talking Mad Shit about someone’s fanny pack is simpler than any other People-Watching tactic, such as Eavesdropping, doing The Foreign Film (watching two people from afar and dubbing in conversation), or watching out from behind a mirrored window (nose-pickers, pimple-poppers, women checking out their own asses). The following Fashion Faux Pas’s’ (?) are a few of my favorites to point out to a friend.

"Look at this great sweatshirt I bought on Ebay. I'm so unique!"

"Look at this great sweatshirt I bought on Ebay. I'm so unique!"

Disney sweatshirts in cities. I don’t care if it’s a tad chilly out and you forgot to pack your North Face fleece that you got on sale at Bob’s — Disney sweatshirts are never okay. If a bird shit on all your other clothes and there are no more Cheers Boston hoodies left in the entire city, at least consider carrying a gimp keychain and strapping a portable CD player to your hip to fool passersby into thinking that you’re attending a 90s Party.

Louis Vuitton Handbags. You’re wearing a tattoo-print baby tee and jewel-encrusted jeans. That giant LV-print handbag MUST be real.

Uggs. Self-explanatory.

Aasics are cool again.

"Aasics are cool again."

Sneakers with suits. For some reason all women who ride public transportation met by candlelight in a hidden chamber and agreed that it is socially acceptable to take off their heels and ride the train home in massive white Keds. The humor gradient lightens a tad when the athletic footwear is more stylish or less boat-like, however the sneaker-suit combo is still fug. Why not substitute heels for a pair of ballet flats? Why not go barefoot? Why god, why?

White sunglasses. You look like a tool.

Tight Shirts. You didn’t just shop in the boy’s section of abercrombie to save money. Rather, you want us girls to see your remotely toned physique. Put on some white sunglasses while you’re at it to complete the look.

That’s all I can think of for now. Feel free to comment with some of your own favorites via WordPress or Facebook. Cheers to Saturday!

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2 Responses to “The Art of People-Watching”

  1. Ahmnodt Heare September 6, 2009 at 6:40 pm #

    I would add the “denim front / faux leather back” pants. And also anything that looks like it came from an episode of “When Garanimals Attack!”

  2. arieldreyer September 28, 2009 at 1:52 am #

    Um, I kind of love you.

    Don’t forget to watch for sweatshirt girls: http://arieldreyer.wordpress.com/2008/09/28/omgiwant2basweatshirtgirl/

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