“Multi-Purpose Solution”

19 Mar

Tonight, something in my medicine cabinet inspired me. And no, it wasn’t a bottle of painkillers. And no, I have none to sell you.*

Rather, it was a boring old bottle of Equate Multi-Purpose Solution, which one might infer is used for contact lenses. Then again, one might not infer that. One might take an entirely different thought process.

Ah, Multi-Purpose Solution. An incredibly vague title for a product that is apparently useful in many ways:

  • Chicken broth substitution
  • Sports drink
  • Steak marinade

Equate is Walmart’s generic brand. Almost all Equate products are vaguely labelled. They even seem kind of Engrish in a way. (Which leads me to believe that Walmart cut costs by outsourcing product development to Asian countries.) Onto their other products…


Yea, you try fitting your baby into this so-called “bath.” I did. It wasn’t pretty. Wait, don’t tell anyone I said that, okay? She died during childbirth. DIED. DURING. CHILDBIRTH.

Way to fuck around with the blind, Equate… You reeeeally had my grandfather’s hopes up.

Brody Jenner in a box? Wait, where does he fit all his pairs of white sunglasses and Bromantic boyfriends?

No but really, Equate, this one’s pretty insensitive. Imagine a poor young woman, forced to shop generic, and ignorant of the hazards of douching, placing this box onto the conveyor belt at Walmart. Dozens of eyes watch as she turns the color of a tomato. Nice.

Hey Equate, thanks for the c*ck tease. When I brought this home, I was expecting a cute little Harajuku girl to pop out of this box and begin rubbing me down. Nope, just a tube of some white crap. Again, THANKS. Guess it’s back to Craigslist Missed Connections…

*D.A.R.E.

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5 Responses to ““Multi-Purpose Solution””

  1. Michael March 21, 2009 at 2:05 am #

    Too much, well done. Favorites included, but were not limited to Brody Jenner, reeeeally, and Craigslist Missed Connections.

  2. ummmmheyyyy March 21, 2009 at 2:50 pm #

    Thanks!

  3. SVV March 22, 2009 at 3:37 am #

    Nice, but Way to c**k tease yourself! You with a link that I thought would take me to a place that sold painkillers ! Instead, I’m sent to re-hab. Which is for quitters don’t ya know?

  4. ummmmheyyyy March 22, 2009 at 7:28 pm #

    Well if it isn’t the famous SVV! Did you know that you were the #1 Googled name last week? ish

  5. Pamela March 27, 2009 at 10:48 pm #

    Hilarious! Good job!

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