Open Letter to the Birds that Took Down Flight 1549

24 Jan
Looks like the perps fled the scene ..pussies

Dear Birds,

Looks like your little terrorist attack on Flight 1549 backfired. Immediately following your poorly planned air strike, journalists declared Sully the Pilot a national hero, and even President Obama briefly considered changing career paths in favor of aviation school.

Admit it, birds. You’re just jealous that “iron birds” get all the fame and fortune. Well, let us know when you figure out a way to carve out your little stomachs into a fuselage with ample legroom. Because let’s get serious. You’re pretty much useless. If you’re not lying next to my mashed potatoes or endorsing Rogaine in front of the American flag, get out of my country. Or at least pay taxes.

This guy's swimmin in women with they own condiminiums

Who dat

Oh – one last thing. Thank you for lowering airline rates. Screw “the economy” or “profit loss” – we both know that airlines are cutting prices because of you. Which is good for me, because now I don’t have to spend 4 hours on the Fung Wah bus to New York, inhaling the cocktail of body odors emitting from each plastic-bag-carrying passenger. Instead, I can bank on a brief flight to NYC, perhaps an altercation with one of your kind mid-air, and at the very worst, a layover in the Hudson River.

Best wishes for your future FAILendeavors,



10 Responses to “Open Letter to the Birds that Took Down Flight 1549”

  1. katiestrophic January 25, 2009 at 4:56 am #

    LOOOOVE it!

  2. ummmmheyyyy January 25, 2009 at 5:15 am #

    I emailed it to the Dig. I’m hoping for the same success that I had with my letters to them haha

  3. melouise January 25, 2009 at 5:11 pm #

    Inspiring words. Well done!

    I plan on berating the Canadian geese that hang around here when they show their feathery asses again. Little fuckers. Saw a family of them last May, hanging around and stealing food from native born ducks… did they show any green cards?

    No. They expect their “anchor hatchlings” to be their ticket to the American Way of Life.

  4. ummmmheyyyy January 25, 2009 at 11:55 pm #

    Whoa capital W. You really know your animals. Did you know that said Geese were behind this preposterous attack on our nation? And did you know that said Geese used to drop deuces onto my junior high football field, targeting the very spot we had marching band practice? Worthless animals.

  5. Mame January 26, 2009 at 4:33 pm #

    What were they thinking? Probably refer to themselves as gooses. Animals are idiots.

  6. JennBerry. January 28, 2009 at 2:51 pm #

    Whoooaaa Good Stuff. . . Sorry I’m behind the times! Congrats on the super low cost flight to NYC btw.

    Miss your face.

  7. katiestrophic January 28, 2009 at 4:55 pm #


  8. ummmmheyyyy January 29, 2009 at 2:42 pm #

    Yea Katie I think you missed her joke. Good effort though

  9. James McKenna January 30, 2009 at 5:45 pm #

    i need to train my birds better.

  10. Ahmnodt Heare December 23, 2010 at 1:23 pm #

    When they’re not taking down planes over the Hudson, they’re doing fly-by bombings. Thank you for bringing up the atrocities of our fine-feathered “friends.”

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