Old People: THEY’RE EVERYWHERE

6 Jan

Today was a cup brimming with Old People. And not the good kind, either, who flutter about with their cute, eye-magnifying bifocals, pointing out the orangeness of oranges to strangers in supermarkets. Interneters, I encountered the very worst breed of Old People today. I call them ‘The Grey Train.’*

LETHAL WEAPON - AVOID AT ALL COSTS

LETHAL WEAPON - AVOID AT ALL COSTS

*actually, Greg called them The Grey Train in a text message.

It all started at the gym.  The gym I go to has always been a breeding ground for Old People (and metrosexuals, but that’s besides the point). I was waiting to fill my water bottle at the water cooler. A gaggle of female Old People were chit-chatting in front of it, and I said “Excuse me” to them. WHOA. REALLY shouldn’t have gone there.

you-are-correct

Female Asian Old Person #1: “I juh came back fom Aruba, look a my TAN! I look BLACK! I don like it!”

Female Caucasian Old Person #2: [Clearly spends her Social Security checks at Tropic Tanning] “I WISH I was as tan as you! I look SooOooO white!” [Looks me up and down, makes face of disgust at my skin]

It happened again in the steam room. To make the most of my steam room experience, I climbed to the top bench and stretched out.  BIG MISTAKE.

Female Old Person #3: [Enters steam room, looks at me] “HHHHhhhhh.” [Sits down and sulks on bottom bench]

Me: [Thinks about moving legs to make room, rethinks due to passive-aggressive 'HHHHhhhhh', keeps legs stretched out]

Old Person #3: [Leaves]

After leaving the gym, I drove to Shaw’s to purchase some second-rate produce. Being a Tuesday afternoon, Old People were EVERYWHERE. I was feeling up cantaloupes when..

why-are-you-so-old

Male Cart-Pushing Old Person #4: “helLOOOOO”

Me: [Looks up at Old Person, stares]

Male Cart-Pushing Old Person #4: “Can you MOVE your CART?”

Me: “Sorry.” [Glances at giant open space big enough for 2 Subway Jareds pre-Subway Diet to stand in, moves cart 2 inches to the left]

Male Cart-Pushing Old Person #4: [McCains past]

To walk in the style of John McCain; See "Frankenstein" and "Heidi Montag"

to "McCain" past: To walk in the style of John McCain; See "Frankenstein" and "Heidi Montag"

On the drive home I reflected on my encounters with Old People, and The Grey Train breed. Why did I lack the balls to  sass them like I sass everyone else? I know it’s not out of “respect,” because some Old People are just aged versions of people I hate, and if I don’t respect the younger ones, I don’t respect the older ones. I know it’s not out of fear, because I could have easily fired a couple of cantaloupes at Old Person #4’s head, then apologized to his wife for having to share a life with his ass. I think the answer is this: I don’t sass old people because I don’t want to validate their opinion that “Young people are a buncha punks who have no respect for their elders.” So it may appear that I have respect for you, Old Persons #1, 2, 3, and 4. But really, I don’t.

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7 Responses to “Old People: THEY’RE EVERYWHERE”

  1. James McKenna January 7, 2009 at 4:02 pm #

    the elderly frighten me.

    how do hearts last that long!?

    blasphemy!

  2. dctouristsandlocals January 7, 2009 at 5:59 pm #

    It’s tough, b/c you never know if you will encounter the sweet, I-wish-you-were-my-grandma type, or the I’m-entitled-to-whatever-the-hell-I-want-when-I-want-it-and-you’re-gonna-give-it-to-me type.

  3. ummmmheyyyy January 7, 2009 at 7:36 pm #

    yesterday was a #2 kind of day. both literally and applying to your comment, dc.

  4. katiestrophic January 9, 2009 at 1:13 am #

    you rule…there, I commented

  5. arieldreyer September 28, 2009 at 2:04 am #

    I’m going to steal a lot when I’m old. And squeeze pigeons, because pigeons are fat.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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    [...] 3. Southern old lady jamming her Prohibited-Item walker into peoples’ backs (if it was my back I would have been REALLY MAD! but ultimately have DONE NOTHING! as you may have learned from my old people entry.) [...]

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